Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

They both are fluffy, and they both pee at the worst times.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way,
when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your
fingernails across it until he hangs up.

TODDLERS CREED: if you have ever worked with toddlers, you should relate to this 🙂

If I want it, its mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, its mine.
If I can take it away from you, its mine.
If I had it a little while ago, its mine.
If it is mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it just looks like mine, its mine.

A blonde wanted to sell her car, but couldnt find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked her how many miles she had on her car."235,000 miles." Her friend told her that was the problem. But the blondes friend told her that her brother is a mechanic and could put back the miles to whatever she wanted. So the blonde went to the mechanic and told him to put the miles at 40,000. Two days later the blonds friend asked her if she sold the car since her brother dropped the miles. The blonde told her, "Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it!"

Dear Santa: Were worried about you.

From your rosy red cheeks to your legendary girth to your all-night sleigh ride around the world, you may be at risk for diseases, maladies, mishaps and lawsuits that send chills through our Santa-loving hearts. The latest warning comes from the National Rosacea Society in Barrington, Ill.

Dermatologist Dr. Jerome Litt says you have a clear-cut case of rosacea, a skin condition that also affects millions of Americans, particularly at middle age. Unable to examine you personally, the good doctor based his finding on a well-circulated report that your cheeks were like roses, (your) nose like a cherry.

Sadly, many observers conclude that red-skin condition comes from hitting the Christmas-punch bowl a little too hard. Sadder still, rosacea can be aggravated by holiday stress, hot chocolate and overexertion — all things you may encounter this time of year. The one bright note in Litts message is that certain antibiotics can help, and he advises you to see a North Pole dermatologist. But the news about you facial tint is only our latest source of concern.

A careful examination of what we know about you and your lifestyle raises a host of other trouble signs:

OBESITY: Frankly, Santa, this may be your biggest area of concern. Studies show overweight men have more than double the normal risk of heart attacks and increased chances of many other diseases. Weve seen the pictures; weve noticed you in the malls. And weve heard that your tummy shakes like a bowlful of jelly when you chuckle. On this, well take part of the blame. All these years, weve set out milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. With 102 million homes in the U.S. alone, even if 1 in 100 homes put out two cookies and a cup of milk, that would make and overnight snack of 2 million cookies and 63,750 gallons of milk. Maybe its time for Mrs. Claus to get you a NordicTrack or a Thighmaster. But be sure to have the old ticker checked out before you start an exercise regimen.

PIPE SMOKING: Youve been pictured with a pipe, and even though an apologist in The New York Times once claimed its only a prop, a witness who encountered you in his home said the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath. According to the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center, pipe and cigar smokers have twice a nonsmokers risk for lung cancer, four times the risk for larynx cancer and two to three times the risk for cancers of the mouth and esophagus. Even if the pipes just a prop, it might be a good idea to lose it. Remember, youre not just a saint, youre a role model.

STRESS: Dealing with Christmas wishes from millions of kiddies could certainly put one on the emotionsl hot seat. And anxiety can surpass even smoking as a risk for certain heart problems. On this point, though, we have some good news: A medical news service says laughter — as evidenced by your trademark Ho, ho, ho — is one of the best stress-busters.

SOOT: We admire your ability to slip up and down the average chimney, an opening about 12 inches by 16 inches. But creosote flakes on the chimney walls are toxic and can lead to respiratory problems. Brent Rigby of Emerald City Chimney Sweeps in Kirkland said his people never actually go into a chimney, and wear protective masks when they reach up through the fireplace to vacuum the soot.

RSI (REPETITIVE STRAIN INJURY): Cards and letters by the bagful arrive on your doorstep through regular mail, but this year weve noticed youre also receiving — and answering — e-mail on at least four Internet addresses, including one based in Seattle, santa@cyberspace.com.

We applaud your move onto the information superhighway, with this caution: too much keyboard work can result in painful injuries to the hands, wrists and arms.

DEER MITES: Close, continuous contact with your trusty reindeer means if they get mites, so might you, says Dr. David DuClos, a veterinary dermatologist in Lynnwood. Watch out for itchy rashes, and keep the deer out of your bed.

FROSTBITE, HYPOTHERMI

A: You usually bundle up, and thats good. A Weather Service satelilite recently showed the temperature at the North Pole was 13 below zero, and high winds are common. Exposure to such conditions can cause frostbite in minutes.

MALL THUGS: You spend a lot of time in shopping malls, so you already know things are getting a little tough out there. Try not to walk back to your sleigh at night alone.

MEMORY TROUBLE: Its been said that you make a list, then check it twice. Just being careful, or developing a little memory problem?

SAD (SEASONAL AFFECTIVE DISORDER): This time of year, there is virtually no daylight at the North Pole, and a lack of sunlight can trigger depression in some people. Maybe a full-spectrum light would help keep you jolly.

VIRAL INFECTIONS: A young witness saw you kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe last night. You know this is colds and flu season, dont you?

SLEIGH ACCIDENTS: Weve seen plenty of pictures of you in that sleigh, but never with a seat belt, and wed sure hate to see you get hurt. By the way, when you cruise through Seattle this year, be sure to cover the load.

JET LAG: Fatigue, dizziness and insomnia are all dangers that travelers face when they cross through several times zones. And few travelers cross all 24 of them in a night, like you do.

SKYJACKERS: OK, youve been lucky so far, but theyre out there.

Knowing all the dangers you face makes us feel that much more fortunate that youre still faithfully delivering the goodies to good boys and girls every Christmas.

But you might want to try to reduce some of those risks before your insurance company decides to boost your rates. Which reminds us: You DO have insurance, dont you?

Breakfast

1/2 grapefruit

black coffee

1 piece dry toast

1 sm. glass skim milk
Lunch

1 lettuce leaf

2 tomato slices

2 oz. broiled chicken

4 carrot sticks

1 whole wheat roll with 1 tsp reduced-calorie butter

1 cup red jello

Dinner

1/2 cup salad

1 tsp low fat Italian dressing

4 oz. hamburger patty

2 1/2 slices canned pear

1/4 cup cottage cheese

slice wheat bread
also–8 glasses of water

What You Really Eat

8 a.m. Breakfast

You skip breakfast. Youre not hungry, and this gives you an extra 100
calories for the day.
10 a.m.

You decide to have that black coffee as you see the doughnuts being brought
into the office. You drink your first glass of water, proudly resisting
the doughnuts.
11 a.m.

You are hungry and have a hard time concentrating on your work. You look
forward to lunch.
12 p.m. Lunch

You hungrily eat everything on your diet, including the jello, which you
have hated since you were a child because of that time when you got your
tonsils taken out and they gave you jello at every meal.
1 p.m.

You drink your second glass of water for the day.
1:30 p.m.

You drink your 3rd and 4th glass of water for the day.
2 p.m.

You drink your 5th and 6th glass of water for the day. You marvel at how
a person can be hungry and nauseous at the same time. Your co-worker has
popcorn at her desk and you smell it but are too sick to even want any.
She offers you some and you decline, telling her how little youve eaten
today and how the smell of the popcorn doesnt even tempt you. She is
impressed.
3 p.m.

You are hungry. You know that another co-worker has chocolate on her desk
and there is an open invitation to take some. You do, after all, have
an extra 100 calories for the day. You restrict yourself to one piece
of candy, proud of your willpower. You are still 50 calories ahead.
3:30 p.m.

You are still hungry. Your mind wanders. You remember the Tic Tacs in
your desk — only 2 calories apiece. You eat two. 46 calories left.
3:45 p.m.

You eat two more Tic Tacs. 42 calories left.
4 p.m.

You eat the rest of the pack of Tic Tacs. You are in the negative, but
optimistic. Youll skip the pear at dinner.
5 p.m.

You are famished. You drink the last 2 glasses of water to get you through
to dinnertime.
5:30 p.m.

You arrive home. A bag of crisps is blocking the way to the pasta that
you will be using to make the family dinner. After thinking twice about
it you rip open the package and eat one crisp.
5:35

You eat one more crisp.
6:30 p.m.

You eat the rest of the package of crisps, 6 tablespoons of pasta as you
cook it, and then have a big tub of Haagen Daz. You tell the family that
you are doing too well on your diet to ruin it with dinner. They are impressed.

An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered I wear this collar because I am a Father.

The Jewish man thought a second and responded Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?

The priest thought for a minute and said Sir, I am the father for many.

The Jewish man quickly answered I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people.

The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills.