Old and New Jokes

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, Im sorry, but we cannot sell cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog. She then bought the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, No, you might have a snake in there.

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger in the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, That smells like shit.

The little old lady said, It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?

Lets play a game, its called bureaucracy, the first one to do anything loses.

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH stands for O as in Dough

If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour

If TTE stands for T as in Gazette

If EAU stands for O as in Plateau



The right way to spell POTATO shoud be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!

Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. Im probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesnt end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which Im still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and Ill probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

Mine says the man. My dog has just killed him, she says.

What breed is your dog? he asks. A Chiuahua, she says.

How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?

He got caught in his throat!!!

Ive learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Ive learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

Ive learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

Ive learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.

After that, youd better have a big dick or huge tits.

Ive learned that you can keep puking long after you think youre finished.

Ive learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when youre down will be the ones who do.

Ive learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

Ive learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Ive learned to say Fuck em if they cant take a joke in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends…trust me, theyll appreciate it –

If not… Fuck em if they cant take a joke!

arab coffee:
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in
tiny cups at gunpoint.

calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a
particular food.

microwave oven:
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within
the cooking compartment.

oven:
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.

porridge:
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words Putrid, hORRId, and sluDGE.

preheat:
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is
put in, as well as when it is removed.

recipe:
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you dont own, to make a
dish the dog wont eat.

tongue:
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses
the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

yogurt:
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste
exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

*** Things that can and do bother the normal person. ***

Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.

The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a blank stare when you look at them.

Theres always a car riding your tail when youre slowing down to find an address.

You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

Its bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you dont realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you dont even have a dog!

Theres a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and

discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.

You slice your tongue licking an envelope…OUCH!

Your tire gauge lets out half the air while youre trying to get a reading.

You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.

A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling…DOUBLE OUCH!

People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.

You cant look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you dont know how to spell it!

You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that youre just browsing.

You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and hell believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Why does sour cream have an Expiration date?

Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If con is the opposite of pro, then what is the opposite of progress?

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didnt grow in it?

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Arent we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IVs as 4s?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Youve named your kids Deduction one and Deduction two.