Old and New Jokes

Visualize whirled peas.

Q: How many Zen Monks does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two – 1 to do it and 1 not to do it.

More leg-room!

Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?

A: Put your hand in the bell and miss notes.

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day.

The first guy says to the second. You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything theyll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isnt able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – hes got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, What happened? Was the cord too long?

The first guy says, No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?

A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not
been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant
about all the new technology. A technician followed her
onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking
machine with tubes and wires and dials. Boy, would I hate
to be hooked up to that thing, she said.

So would I, replied the technician. Its a floor-cleaning
machine.

Q: Whats the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?

A: The prostitute says, Arent you done yet?
The nympho says, Are you done already?
The blonde says, Beige. . . I think Ill paint the ceiling beige.

How do you prevent a Lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water!

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them.

Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said, dont worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor.

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said, no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem.

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said, its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine.

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a computer engineer. And his response was… Why dont we just get out of the car, shut all of the doors, and then open them again and get back in and start it!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Fez!
Fez who?
Fez me, thats who!