Old and New Jokes

How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just one, but hes never around when you need it done.

Tom and Jack are on an expedition to the center of Africa, when they are suddenly surrounded by a group of small, painted, evil-looking natives.

Tom says, We have nothing to fear. See me get us out of this one!

So he approaches the one that is wearing the fancy feathers – obviously the chief, and, reaching into his poscket, pulls out a bic lighter. He makes sure that he has the chiefs undivided attention and flicks it on.

Well, the chief is suprised! He turns to one of the elders and says, Look at that! It lit the first time!!!

Its time to turn your computer off and read a book when….

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.

3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.

7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

8. You find yourself typing com after every period when using a word processor.com.

9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

10. You cant call your mother. . She doesnt have a modem.

11. You check you mail. It says no new messages. So you check it again.

12. You dont know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.

14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html

15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.

16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.

This lady walks into her psychiatrist one day and says:

Doctor, I just cant have an orgasm.

Do you masturbate?, he says.

No luck. is the reply.

How about cunnilingus?

Nope

Kick-start vibrator?

Wakes up the neighbors, but not me. she complains.

Hmm, looks like a problem. Wait here. the doctor says as he walks into the next room.

He walks out with a black velvet case and places it on his lap. Her eyes widen as he opens it, revealing its contents.

What is it, she gasps.

Its a VOODOO DICK, he proclaims, as he hoists the foot-long, meaty shaft from the case.

It is VERY powerful, but it can fulfill your every desire. Watch. VOODOO DICK,

hand! he commands.

The dick leaps across his lap into his open palm faster than the eye can see.

Ooooh, she sighs.

VOODOO DICK, box. The dick returns in a shot to its case.

You may take this, but you must promise NOT to abuse its power.

Certainly, of course, anything you say she sputters, the wetness in her mouth matched by the wetness in her panties.

So she takes the magic missile with her, thanking the good doctor and hurrying out to her car. But she cant wait to get home, so she prys the lid open on the seat next to her.

VOODOO DICK, hand! she commands. It flies eagerly into her hand. She is amazed by the size of this veiny tool, and quickly removes her underwear.

VOODOO DICK, pussy!
she screams, and it obliges. Burying itself inside her in an instant, she gasps with pleasure.

VOODOO DICK, fuck me. It begins to thrust in and
out.

VOODOO DICK, faster! It quickens the pace while the woman sits in sexual bliss. Unbelievable sensations course through her body.

VOODOO DICK, harder! It pounds away furiously as orgasms begin, one after the other. Soon the woman begins to tire, unaccustomed to this sort of satisfaction.

VOODOO DICK, stop. BUT IT WONT STOP

VOODOO DICK, stop now!, she yells. It continues its relentless assault.

Quit it, VOODOO DICK. That hurts It is oblivious to her desires. She finally manages to wrench it from her pussy and throw it out the window. Just as she gets the window rolled up, it is there against the glass, trying to get in.

She quickly starts the car and screeches away in terror. 60, 70, 80 mph. The VOODOO DICK hot on (and for) her tail. 90, 100. The woman starts to pull away as the dick fades away behind the last corner. Sirens blare.

The women is babbling senselessly as the officer approaches her car. You-you have to let me go. There is this-this thing – gotta go she yells.

Lady, you were doing 100 miles an hour. What the hell is your problem?

You dont under-understand. There is this VOODOO DICK following me. she sputters.

A WHAT?, the cop yells?

A magic VOODOO DICK. Its after me! she exclaims.

To which the cop replies, VOODOO DICK, my ass!

A christian democrat
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A socialist
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

An American republican
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

An American democrat
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for
being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you
voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your
neighbor. You feel righteous.

A communist
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk.

A fascist
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the
milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

Democracy, American style
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have
to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one
cow, which was a gift from your government.

Capitalism, American style
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of
cows.

Bureaucracy, American style
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one,
milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the
drain.

An American corporation
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce
the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A French corporation
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A Japanese corporation
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the
size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then
create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them
World-Wide.

A German corporation
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A British corporation
You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherds
pie, please.

An Italian corporation
You have two cows, but you dont know where they are. You break
for lunch.

A Russian corporation
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again
and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another
bottle of vodka.

A Swiss corporation
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others
for storing them.

A Brazilian corporation
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
declares bankruptcy.

An Indian corporation
You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A Chinese corporation
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim
full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who
reported on them.

An Israeli corporation
There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory,
an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their
calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

An Arkansas corporation
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Cologne, May 27 dpa – The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many Big Mac hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germanys leading institutes.

The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonalds restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies relative purchasing power.

The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, baskets of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.

If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

Only if he is silly enough to repeat what he just said!

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half.

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.

As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.

The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?

The boy replied, Minnesota, sir.

Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota, asked the manager.

The boy replied, Theyre all just hookers and hockey players up there.

My wife is from Minnesota!

The boy replied, Oh Really! What team did she play for?

Yo mamas so fat

– Yo Mamas so fat, she couldnt fit in a satellite photo.
– Yo Mamas so fat, shes on both sides of the family.
– Yo Mamas so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
– Yo Mamas so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washingtons nose
– Yo Mamas so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes
– Yo Mamas so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs
– Yo Mamas so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: Free Willy! free Willy!
– Yo Mamas so fat, shes got her own zip code
– Yo Mamas so fat, people jog around her for exercise
– Yo Mamas so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
– Yo Mamas so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance.
– Yo Mamas so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck.
– Yo Mamas so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her.
– Yo Mamas so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
– Yo Mamas so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a Caution! Wide Turn sign.
– Yo Mamas so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
– Yo Mamas so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read One at a time, please.
– Yo Mamas so fat, I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas.
– Yo Mamas so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the rain, people run to her and yell Taxi!
– Yo Mamas so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
– Yo Mamas so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
– Yo Mamas so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
– Yo Mamas so fat, when she tripped on 10th St., she landed on 22nd St..
– Yo Mamas so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
– Yo Mamas so fat, if she was a superhero, she would be incredible bulk.
– Yo Mamas so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall.
– Yo Mamas so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
– Yo Mamas so fat, she stepped on rainbow and made Skittles
– Yo Mamas so fat, I guess we know whats eating Gilbert Grape.
– Yo mamas so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud.
– Yo mamas so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
– Yo mamas so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.
– Yo mamas so fat, she stepped on a talking scale, and it said GET THE HELL OFF!!
– Yo mamas so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds
– Yo mamas so fat, she stepped on my cats tail, now I call him Beaver.
– Yo mamas so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
– Yo mamas so fat, when I climbed on top of her, I burned my ass on the light bulb.
– Yo mamas so fat, shes got more chins than a Chinese phone book.
– Yo mamas so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
– Yo mamas so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.
– Yo mamas so fat, I ran around her twice, and got lost.
– Yo mamas so fat, instead of wearing Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levis 1002s.
– Yo mamas so fat, shes got more rolls than a bakery.
– Yo mamas so fat, she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her as a new world.
– Yo mamas so fat, she could sell shade.
– Yo mamas so fat, that when God said Let there be Light, he told her to move her fat ass out of the way.
– Yo mamas so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her.
– Yo mamas so fat, when I have sex with her, I have to slap her ass and ride the wave in.
– Yo mamas so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time.
– Yo mamas so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet dont get wet.
– Yo mamas so fat, she bumps into people when shes sitting down.
– Yo mamas so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop.
– Yo Mamas so fat, her butt has its own congressmen.
– Yo Mamas so fat, she needs a boomerang to wear a belt.

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a

jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for

it all.