Old and New Jokes

This is a true story which happened to me.
For a while, I worked as a cashier at a local drugstore.
Well, one afternoon, while I was working at the drug counter, a woman came in
and dropped off 3 prescriptions to be filled. Later, she came back, and wanted
to pick up the prescriptions (they were for her husband). Two of the
prescriptions were ready, with the third stapled to the bag. The pharmacist
had already told me about this one.

Here you go, we were only able to fill two of the prescriptions,
I said.

Why cant you fill the other one? she said.

Im sorry, we dont carry that one, I said.

Well, can you order it?

No.

Well where can I get it filled?

Im afraid you will have to go to the hospital to get it filled.

Why? Whats it for?

A chest X-ray.

And some people wonder why patients never know what the h**l is going on!
BTW, the handwriting on the prescription (by the doctor) was one of the
clearest I have ever seen.

MANILA (Reuters) – A Filipino man was killed and his friend seriously wounded after they sarcastically applauded a student for singing Frank Sinatras classic My Way off-key, according to a newspaper report.

The 21-year-old student felt insulted when the victims clapped after he sang the song at a karaoke parlor in downtown Manila, the reports said Monday.

After getting into a fight with the students friends, the victims left the parlor to avoid trouble but were ambushed outside and shot by the student who was later arrested. Newspapers have said Philippine karaoke parlors have been removing My Way from play lists because fights frequently broke out – for unfathomable reasons – when the song was sung.

The song seems to drive many drunken men to commit anything from slight physical injuries to homicide, reports said.

In a remarkably similar incident last November, one man was killed and another wounded when a brawl broke out in a karaoke bar in northern Manila, once again apparently sparked by the quality of singing.

There are three umpires at a baseball game. One is an engineer, one is
a physicist and one is a mathematician. There is a close play at home
plate and all three umpires call the man out. The manager runs out of the
dugout and asks each umpire why the man was called out.

The physicist says, Hes out because I calls em as I sees em.

The engineer says, Hes out because I calls em as they are.

The mathematician says, Hes out because I called him out.

A gay guy pays a visit on his doctor and confides that he has, um, a vibrator stuck up his ass.

The doc says, No problem, Ill have it out shortly.

Oh, no, dont remove it.

The doc says, puzzled, Then what do you want me to do?

Change the batteries, please.

Why is it that in America:

1. Why is it that you can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance?

2. Why is it that there are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink?

3. Why is it that drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

4. Why is it that people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke?

5. Why is it that banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters?

6. Why is it that we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage?

7. Why is it that we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place?

8. Why is it that we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?

9. Why is it that we use the word politics to describe the process so well? (After all, Poli in Latin means many and tics means bloodsucking creatures.)

10. Why is it that they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?

When it becomes a ruler.

Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points.

If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience. Now please begin.

CLUES

1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.

When Im not well, I drip.

When you blow me, I feel good.

2. Im spread before Im eaten.

Your tongue gets me off.

People sometimes lick my nuts.

3. I assist an erection.

Sometimes big balls hang from me.

Im called a big swinger.

4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.

I wasnt maiden for long.

A big hard thing ripped me open.

5. You stick your poles inside me.

You tie me down to get me up.

I get wet before you do.

6. When I go in I cause pain.

I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.

I can fill your hole.

7. A finger goes in me.

You fiddle with me when youre bored.

The best man always has me first.

8. All day long, its in and out.

I discharge loads from my shaft.

Both men and women go down on me.

9. I go in hard.

I come out soft.

You blow me hard.

10. If I miss, I hit your bush.

Its my job to stuff your box.

When I come, its news.

11. I offer Protection.

I get the finger ten times.

You use your fingers to get me off.

12. I have a stiff shaft.

My tip penetrates.

I come with a quiver.

13. My business is briefs.

I am a cunning linguist.

I plead and plead for it.

*******************************************************

Answers:

1. nose

2. peanut butter

3. crane

4. Titanic

5. tent

6. dentist

7. wedding ring

8. elevator

9. chewing gum

10. newspaper boy

11. glove

12. arrow

13. attorney

This is a joke told by Dave Allen on one of his
shows (British program Dave Allen at Large).

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a
graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk
fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to
climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned
the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He
gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.

A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides
to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too,
falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the
mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there
and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.

The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder
and tells him, Youll never get out!

He did.

Dave Allen is an excellent storyteller and a very inventive
comedian. Im afraid that just reading it here doesnt do justice
to it.

En una ocasión había muchas personas reunidas en una casa y pasó por aquel lugar un conocido de la familia y preguntó:

¿Qué pasó compadre?… ¿murió alguien?

Si, mi burro mató a mi suegra de una patada.

¿Y toda esa gente conocía a tu suegra?

No… ¡Vinieron a comprar el burro!

Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.