Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write Please turn over on both sides of a piece of paper

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?

A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

1) On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.

2) What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

3) I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me — they were cramming for their finals!

4) If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

5) If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

6) I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

7) Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?

A: A Space Invader.

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his

son.

Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the

front door and yells, You need more tail.

The guy turns to his son and says, Son, I never will understand

women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said

to go fly a kite!

{A recent discussion in comp.programming brought this old gem to mind. I
have done some minor editing; the original source and author are unknown
to me. – David Ruggiero}

1. Ive smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, its cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why dont we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. Its more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, theres a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4 bigger.

13. Its ok, well work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, theres an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

21. Let me go get my tweezers.

22. How sweet, you brought incense.

23. This explains your car.

24. You must be a growing boy.

25. Maybe if we water it, itll grow.

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.

27. Are you one of those pygmies?

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?

29. Every heard of clearasil?

30. All right, a treasure hunt!

31. I didnt know they came that small.

32. Why is God punishing you?

33. At least this wont take long.

34. I never saw one like that before.

35. What do you call this?

36. But it still works, right?

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.

38. It looks so unused.

39. Do you take steroids?

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

42. Why dont we skip right to the cigarettes?

43. Oh, I didnt know you were in an accident.

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?

45. Aww, its hiding.

46. Are you cold?

47. If you get me real drunk first.

48. Is that an optical illusion?

49. What is that?

50. Ill go get the ketchup for your french fry.

51. Were you neutered?

52. Its a good thing you have so many other talents.

53. Does it come with an air pump?

54. So this is why youre supposed to judge people on personality.

55. Where are the puppet strings?

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.

58. Never mind, why bother.

59. Is that a second belly button?

60. Wheres the rest of it?

Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Farm.
Note: Refers to the Newtons poor handwriting recognition techniques of the past.

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks this guy doesnt know the difference, so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip…same reaction.

But the bartender still doesnt believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:

Shay mishter, tashte this! The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

That tastes like pee!, he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: It ish. Now how old am I?

SCORPIO

Scorpio condoms outsell all others. Thats probably because people try to impress each other with their sexual prowess by pretending that theyre a Scorpio. The truth is that no right thinking Scorpio would get caught dead wearing a condom. But then death doesnt scare a Scorpio. And a Scorpio doesnt get caught.

Scorpio condoms come in two editions, basic black and the stealthy invisible model. Both leather and studs are optional. Also, because propriety concerns Scorpio, each package of Scorpio condoms comes with a pre-printed, pre-coital agreement. Symbolized by the venomous Scorpion, when you really want to sting your lover, you want a Scorpio condom.

SAGITTARIAN

Sagittarians are known for their worldly pursuits, gamesmanship, cosmopolitan attitude and knack for doing things in a big way. Sagittarian condoms are the sportier models. They come equipped with travel cases.

Sagittarian condoms are the ones that go with you and grow with you. They promise a lot and they are extra thick to protect against fluids of a dubious nature. The archer symbolizes Sagittarius. When you want to be on target with Cupids arrows, you want a Sagittarius condom.

CAPRICORN

Capricorns are known for their longevity, wisdom, practicality, ambition and earthy sensuality. Capricorns tend to be on the conservative side. Capricorn condoms are the most durable, having the longest shelf life. Capricorn condoms are extra strong to last extra long.

With Capricorn condoms, wing tips, pin stripes and brief cases are optional. Be sure to shake them out from time to time, otherwise they go stale. Capricorn is the sign of the mountain goat. When youre horny enough to climb the mountains of love, you want a Capricorn condom.

AQUARIAN

Aquarians are gregarious, yet aloof. Aquarius is a high energy sign and one that is usually politically correct. Aquarian condoms are just a little bit kinky. They come colored hot pink and electric blue, and they come with a battery pack to light up in the dark and French ticklers for extra stimulation.

With Aquarius condoms, the packaging features political slogans such as the MiXXe Maxim, Things can change overnight; it depends upon how late you stay up and with whom doing what. Since Aquarius is a social sign. Aquarian condoms come in multi-packs and are detachable to share with your friends. Aquarius is the sign of the water bearer. When your love juices really get to flowing, you want an Aquarius condom.

PISCES

Pisces is known for their deep feelings that somewhat border on mysticism. Pisces are idealistic, sometimes to the point of ecstatic bliss. Pisces condoms are truly extra sensitive and translucent. Little spikes are optional on the inside.

Pisces condoms contain special instructions for erotic fantasy games. Pisces is the sign of the fishes. When it smells like love and youre on a seafood diet, you want a Pisces condom.

AIRES

Aries is the first sign of the zodiac. Aries are action oriented people. Aries is symbolized by the ram, so naturally Aries condoms are made from the finest lambskin. Because Aries often exhibits a get up and go attitude, Aries condoms are steel belted, feature racing stripes, and every fully equipped sports car dispenses them. Onyx packaging is optional for the black sheep.

Aries prides themselves on being first and best. Aries condoms are perfect for quickies. When you want what you want when you want it, you want an Aries condom.

TAURUS

Taurus is perhaps the most sensual and economy minded of the astrological signs. Taurus condoms are made from the most luxurious materials with special models available in silk and velvet. Taurus condoms give you quality at an affordable price, and theyre frequently on sale.

Taurians may be slow to make their minds, but once theyve made a decision, theyre almost impossible to stop. When your love is a sure thing, you want a Taurus condom. The bull symbolizes Taurus. Taurus condoms are the ones you want when youre really horny.

GEMINI

Geminis are known for their versatility, intellect and communications skills. Accordingly, Gemini condoms accommodate a variety of sexual positions and combinations. Gemini condoms are sold in multi-packs and come with a special audio chip. Naturally, theyre available through mail order.

Frequently, Gemini condoms sell two for the price of one. They always come in special pop up dispensers so that you dont have to work too hard. Gemini is the sign of the twins and Gemini condoms come in twin packs and are the preferred model for double headers. When you need to do it more than once, you need Gemini condoms.

CANCER

Cancer is a water sign and as such is very much interested in safety and tradition. Therefore, Cancer condoms are waterproof and heat treated for hot tubs and natural springs. Cancer condoms make you feel secure. Cancer is also the sign of motherhood. With Cancer condoms, if you decide to become a parent, you can always return the unused portion for a partial refund. Cancer condoms are clingy. Never has history know a time when Cancer condoms were not available. Fine antique specimens grace many collections.

Astrologically speaking, Cancer is associated with the breasts. The makers of Cancer condoms are happy to sponsor the annual spring Breast Worship Rituals. Cancer condoms are freely dispensed to beautiful, large breasted women. Cancer is symbolized by the crab. When youre not getting enough love and are starting to feel crabby, reach for an Cancer condom.

LEO

Leos are known for their passion, pride, and (pro)creative urges. Leos tend to be a bit flashy, showy and original in and out of bed. Leo condoms come in gold foil packaging with custom monogramming. Leo condoms come in one size: extra, extra large.

Leo is symbolized by the lion. When youre ready to meet your mate and make wild jungle noises, youre ready for a Leo condom.

VIRGO

Virgos are fussy and particular. Virgo condoms feature perfection of fit and they keep you neat and clear. Virgo tend to be environmentally sound consumer types. Naturally, Virgo condoms have the lowest failure rate, the highest performance rating and come equipped with a detailed, all purpose instruction manual.

Virgo is symbolized by the virgin. When youre ready for some ritualized defloration activities, youre ready for a Virgo condom.

LIBRA

Libras are suave and anxious to please others. Libra condoms are the fancy European models and come in fashionable hand- painted designer packaging. Libra condoms make for an elegant accessory on the best dates. Libra condoms are aesthetically pleasing to both partners. They are reversible and can turn into a diaphragm thus sharing the responsibilities.

Libra is symbolized by the scales. When sex weighs heavily on your mind, you want a Libra condom.