Old and New Jokes

NEG FRI FRI FRI THU
WED TUE

8 7 6 5 4 32

16 15 14 12 11 10
9

23 22 21 20 19 18
17

32 30 28 27 26 25
24

3938373635
3433

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs.
All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this
calendar a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered
on the 3rd.

2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three
Fridays in every week.

3. There are eight new days added to each month to allow
for end-of-the-month panic jobs.

4. There is no 1st of the month – thus avoiding late
delivery of the previous months last-minute panic jobs.

5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with
non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

6. A new day – Negotiation Day – has been introduced keeping
the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

Esto es un amigo que se encuentra con un viejo conocido y le pregunta:

Hombre, Pepe, ¿qué ha sido de tu vida?

Pues nada… Muy mal, mi hijo tiene cáncer.

¡Vaya, por Dios, qué putada! ¿Le estaréis ayudando y tendréis muchos gastos, no?

¡Uf, una barbaridad! Imagínate: entre médicos, medicinas, quimioterapia, tranchetes…

¡Oye, cómo que tranchetes!

¡Sí, sí, joder, es que es lo único que cabe por debajo de la puerta!

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for 96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldnt find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.



Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away –ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away–ka-blooey!



Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour– bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.



Ive got to get this guy, Al says to himself. He has the perfect arm!



So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.



The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.



Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: Mom, the young man says into the receiver, I just won the Super Bowl!



I dont want to talk to you, the old woman says. You deserted us. Youre no longer my son.



I dont think you understand, mother the young man pleads. I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. Im in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.



No, let me tell you, the mother implores. At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….



The old lady pauses, in tears…

…Ill never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. Youre running around with other women, she charged.

Youre being unreasonable, Adam responded. Youre the only woman on earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. What do you think youre doing? Adam demanded.

Counting your ribs, said Eve.

Yo mama so poor I walked into her house, asked her to use the toilet and she handed me 2 large sticks.

I asked what are theyre for and she says use one to hold up the ceiling, and the other one is to fight of the roaches .

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said…let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice
box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted
to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to
death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus
twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign
that said "Airport Left" she turned around
and went home

Joke from our friends in India…Once as Laloo was coming out of airport, there was huge rush and the security guard told him, "Wait Please." To which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.

Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.

Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves. After theyd
finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then
threw them away. The other woman, realising she was wearing some

very expensive knickers, didnt want to throw hers away and so looked
around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby
wreath.

So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.

The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon theyre up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!

The other one replied, Tell me about it! If you think thats bad, my wife
came home with a card stuck to her arse that read – All the members of the District Fire Brigade will never forget you.

A donkey walks into the bar and the bartender asks, Why the long face?