Old and New Jokes

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

One day, a space ship landed in a farmers field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmers wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmers wife, Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?

The farmers wife replied It needs to be a little bigger around. So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmers wife again How does it feel now?

The farmers wife responded I think it needs to be a little longer.

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife How was the Martian man? To this, the farmers wife replied Fine.

And how about the Martian woman?

The farmer replied, That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!

A young lady had unwantedly become pregnant and wanted an abortion.
Unfortunately, a medical examination showed she could not and when
told so by her doctor she broke down and cried. I cant have a baby
now, she said, There must be something you can do! The doctor
thought about this for a while, and suddenly he came up with an idea:
There is bound to be someone in this hospital in for an appendix
operation when you give birth, and well just give her the baby and
tell her it wasnt the appendix after all.

The young lady agreed to his plan, but at the time she was giving birth
there were no women in for appendix operation in the hospital, in fact
the only person who was was an old priest. The doctor, desperately
realizing the gravity of the situation and his promise, figured he
might as well try anyway.

The priest was overwhelmed. Convinced this was an immaculate
conception he took his little son home. The years passed and his son
grew to become a fine boy. The priest was getting old, and finally he
he called his son to his deathbed.

There is something I have to tell you, said the priest,
I am not your father. His son looked at him in surprise.
The priest went on; I am your mother, the bishop is your father.

Truls Solheim Myklebust
University of Oslo

Bette Midler told this joke on Letterman one recent Friday night…

An old guy goes to the doctor complaining that he has silent gas emissions. He goes on to explain that while playing bridge that morning he had 6 silent gas emissions. At lunch he had four, and while he was sitting there talking to the doctor he had another four.

Can you help me, Doc?, he pleads.

The doctor replies, Yes, and the first thing were going to do is check your hearing.

Q: Did you hear Princess Diana was on the radio?

A: Yep, and on the window, and on the dashboard…

This blonde goes to the Western Union office and says, I just have to get an urgent message to my mother in Europe.

The clerk says it will be $100, and she replies But I dont have any money…. and I *must* get a message to her, its urgent!… Ill do anything to get a message to her.

The clerk replies Anything?

Yes…. ANYTHING! replies the blonde.

He leads her back to his office and closes the door. He tells her to kneel in front of him. Unzip me…

She does.

Take it out….. go ahead.

She does this as well.

She looks up at him, his member in her hands and he says Well… go ahead.. do it..

She brings her lips close to it and shouts Hello?…. Mom?

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows One burger!

Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

The old lady says, thats the most disgusting thing Ive ever seen.

The counterman says, Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.

One day at the office, Joe was sitting at his desk working. His co-worker Frank walks in and notices that Joe is not feeling well.



Whats wrong Joe, asks Frank.





Im all stressed out, my head is killing me.





You want to know what I do when I need relief from stress?, suggests Frank. I go home, tell my wife to lie on the bed, then I rest my head on her chest. Give it try, it works great!





Joe then takes a break. An hour later he returns to work totally refreshed with a smile on his face.





You look alot better, did you try what I told you?, asked Frank.





I sure did, thanks!, responded Joe. By the way, you have a nice apartment.

Henry and his over-developed wife were sitting in the stands waiting for the football game to begin. A friend walked over, said, Hello Henry, gave Henrys wifes breast a little squeeze and walked away.

A few minutes later another guy walked over, said, Hello Henry, then, he too, fondled his wifes breasts and walked on.



This strange sequence of events went on for some time.



Finally a man sitting next to Henry spoke up, Listen pal, Its none of my business, but isnt it a little odd that at least twelve guys came by, said hello to you then grabbed your wife by the breast? Whats the story?



Henry looked at him and moaned, What can I do? If I leave her at home, she sleeps with everybody!

Donald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.

Certainly, sir said the lady behind the counter, shall I put them on your bill?

NO WAY! replied Donald Duck, What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!