1. The monitor is up on blocks.
2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
3. The six front keys have rotted out.
4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them.
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. The password is BUBBA.
7. Theres a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
8. Theres a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
9. The keyboard is camouflaged.
10. The Mouse is referred to as a Critter
This is Captain of your plane speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard Indian Airways flight 596 Bombay to GOA. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Arabian Sea.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT????!!! What was that?! So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…Youre just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, Cant you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom? Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take so I told her, well just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelers department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesnt even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, Thats fine, honey. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier.
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No honey, I dont feel like it. Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!! I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Youre just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gandhi!
Gandhi who!
Gandhi cane!
Picture an old, musty saloon in Southwest Texas filled with ole West and cattle
raisin memorabilia. At the bar an old rough and ready cowhand with a dirty
Stetson and well-worn boots and faded Levis, sits with a glass and a half empty
bottle of Red Eye. A beautiful young thing comes in and sits right beside him.
She looks him over and asks, Are you a real cowboy?
He looks back at her and says, I get up at the crack of dawn, saddle an old
horse, round up long horns, corral doggies, rope and brand calves, eat dust from
moving herds, live on half-baked beans and bad coffee 365 days a year. Yeah, Im
a real cowboy. Are you a real model?
No, she says. Im a lesbian. I wake up in the morning thinking how empty my
bed looks without a sweet young, naked girlish body lying next to me, I bathe
wishing there was a young nubile body in there with me that I could rub with
soap, I go to breakfast thinking of pert little boobs and nice flat tummies that
I would love to massage, I spend the whole day thinking of nude girls and naked
mature women. Yes, Im a real lesbian.
An hour later another pair of tourists sits down beside the old cowpoke and ask,
Are you a real cowboy?
He looks at them and says, I always thought so until an hour ago when I found
out I was a lesbian.
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said If you get in, Ill give you a lollypop. The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the man said Come on and get in the car with me and Ill give you two lolly pops. She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The man said Get in with me and Ill give you this whole bag of lollypops!
Finally, the girl turned and said Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!
Q: What will you get if Clintons health bill passes?
A: No Job.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A city man decides that he has had enough of urban life and wants to start a farm. He doesnt have much money, though, so he goes to see an old farmer to get his start.
Id like to buy a chicken and a rooster, he says.
Well, young feller, says the farmer, I reckon thatd be okay. But out here in the country we call em a pullet and a cock.
Okay then, says the guy, Ill take a pullet and a cock.
Hey, what about a donkey? says the city guy.
Well sure, says the farmer,but out here in the country we call them asses. All I got is an stubborn old mule out back. He stops alot and hell only go again if you scratch im.
Thats fine, says the guy. He pays the farmer and heads off down the road. A little while later, the mule stops in the middle of the road. No matter what the guy does, he wont go. Then he remembers to scratch it, but he cant put his chickens down, or theyll run off.
Shortly, a woman comes down the road. She sees him and stops.
Can I help you? she says.
Oh yes, said the guy, could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?
She slapped him and took off.
Daffynition: Hummingbird- A bird who forgot the lines to a song!