A little blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! Its good, innit?
Yes darling, very good.
Is that because Im blond?
Yes darling, its because youre blond.
Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! Its good innit?
Yes darling, very good.
Is that because Im blond, mummy?
Yes darling its because youre blond.
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: Mummy, today we went swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me! She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 Ds at her mummy. Is that because Im blond, mummy?
No darling, its because youre 25.
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself what a waste he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, Is this seat taken? The man replied, This was my wifes seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan. The other man replied,Im so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didnt give the ticket to a friend or a relative?
The man replied, Theyre all at the funeral.
If we are what we eat, then Im easy, fast, and cheap.
An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks Whats your problem, Soldier?
Chronic syphilis, Sir
What treatment are you getting?
Five minutes with the wire brush each day.
Whats your ambition?
To get back to the front, Sir
Good man. says the Major. He goes to the next bad. Whats your problem, Soldier?
Chronic piles, Sir
What treatment are you getting?
Five minutes with the wire brush each day.
Whats your ambition?
To get back to the front, Sir.
Good man. says the Major. He goes to the next bed. Whats your problem, Soldier?
Chronic gum disease, Sir.
What treatment are you getting?
Five minutes with the wire brush each day.
Whats your ambition?
To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir.
A lady walked up to a man on the street and pointed at his suede jacket that he got for Christmas.
You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered.
He replied in a psychotic tone, I didnt know there were any witnesses. Now Ill have to kill you too.
Q: What do Mohammed and Douglas Adams have in common?
A: A deep, abiding respect for the value of a towel on the head.
Who enjoys sex more, males or females?
Females do.
Look at it this way: Think about when your ear itches and you scratch it with your finger. When you pull your finger out, what feels better, your finger or your ear?
Estaban tres cientÃficos discutiendo: un norteamericano, un cubano y un argentino. Hablaban sobre cuál paÃs estaba mejor en la ciencia. El cubano dice:
Mi paÃs está mejor; fÃjense que nació un niño sin piernas, se le puso patas de caballo y ahora es el mejor corredor del mundo.
Mi paÃs está mejor, interrumpe el nortamericano, nació un niño sin brazos, se le puso manos mecánicas y ahora es el mejor escultor.
Y el argentino dice:
No, no, no… mi paÃs está mejor. Nació un niño sin cabeza. Entonces se consiguió un coco, se rellenó de mierda, se le pegó, al niño se le mandó a estudiar; al tiempo se postuló para las elecciones y hoy dÃa es el Presidente de Argentina.
Deseoso de experimentar algo novedoso en el aspecto sexual, un tipo acude con una prostituta apodada La Aspiradora. Después de acordar el precio, entran en la habitación; entonces, sobre la cama, el sujeto es atado de pies y manos. La mujer inicia la aspiración peneana más intensa que aquel hombre hubiese experimentado jamás. Tres minutos después, el sujeto grita desesperado:
¡Para, para, por favor, para!
¿Qué pasa?, pregunta sorprendida la hetaira.
¡Se me está metiendo la sábana por el culo!, alcanza a balbucir el tipo.
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
Doc, I need something for my eyes…cant see well these days.
The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor hes very depressed.
Doc says, Whats the problem…didnt the glasses help you?
The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered Ive been living with a water hose the past 2 years!