It is entirely wrong to say that Mr. Khushwant Singh is a habitual drinker. He drinks only on two days – one when it rains and other when it does not rain.
10
Aug
10
Aug
Did you hear that El Al and Al Italia are merging?
Oh yeh. Theyre going to call it Vel I Tell Ya
10
Aug
Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) – You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) – You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) – You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 – May 22) – You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 – June 22) – You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 – July 22) – You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) – You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) – You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
10
Aug
One day, Jesus and Satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge.
Jesus and Satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC.
When 10 hours had past, the power suddenly went out, and all the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on.
On Jesuss monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas Satans monitor remained blank.
Satan got really angry and complained to God.
God was quiet for a moment, then he laughed and said, Jesus saves!
09
Aug
En la Habana, en una parada de autobús todos estaban desesperados porque no habÃa llegado el autobús. Cuando por fin llegó, todos desesperados se aventaron por querer subirse. Un negrito chaparro quedo atrás de una señora gordotota que llevaba una bolsa llena de cachivaches; cuando ésta se atora, el moreno, desesperado, la agarra del trasero y la empuja. La mujer se encabrona y empieza a golpear al pobre negro hasta que llegó la policÃa y, como la dama no se querÃa calmar, los llevaron con un juez:
A ve, mi negro, ¿qué fue lo que pasó?
Pue mire, etaba yo eperando la guagua y eta vieja que se sube y que no se sube y entonce que la agarro de las nachas…
El magistrado interrumpe molesto:
Oiga, mi negro, no se dice nachas se dice glúteos.
Ah, bueno, e que yo etaba eperando la guagua y eta vieja que se sube y que no se sube. Entonce yo que la agarro de las pompas…
El juez vuelve a interrumpir:
Oiga, mi negro, que no se dice pompas se dice glúteos…
Eta bien, eta bien. Yo etaba eperando la guagua y eta vieja que se sube y que no se sube. Entonce…
El tipo se queda pensando y le pregunta al juez:
Oiga, señor juez, ¿cómo me dijo que se llamaba el culo de eta vieja?
09
Aug
.. 1. You are not superman.
2. Recoilless rifles arent.
3. Dont look conspicuous. It draws fire.
4. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
5. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
6. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
7. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
8. If you cant remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
9. All five second grenade fuses are three seconds.
10. Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.
11. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
12. The easy way is always mined.
13. The important things are very simple.
14. The simple things are very hard.
15. When you have secured an area, dont forget to tell the enemy, and CNN
16. Incoming fire has right-of-way.
17. Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy more people to shoot at.
18. Friendly fire isnt.
19. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
20. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
09
Aug
Show me a man who always has two feet on the ground,
and Ill show you a man who cant take his pants off.
09
Aug
Q: How do you crash a houseboat party?
A: You just barge in!
Q: What happened to the water polo team?
A: The horses drowned.
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, its uphill and against the wind.
Anyone can win – unless there happens to be a second entry.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
One should be careful to keep his mouth shut – when swimming and when angry.
A swimming pool is a crowd of people with water in it.
Fishing: Just a jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other end.
Creative golf: Stuffing your shots with such precision theat your boss actually believes he beat you fair and square.
Good friend: Anyone who doesnt play as well as you do – and does it consistently.
Class: Demonstrated not by whether you win or lose, but how you tear up your scorecard.
If you have to ask, youre not entitled to know.
If you dont like the answer, you shouldnt have asked in the first place.
A man whos wrapped up in himself makes a mighty small parcel.
09
Aug
A career military man, who had retired as a corporal,
was telling the younger men how he handled officers
during his years of service.
It didnt matter a hoot if he was a Major General,
an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told
those guys exactly where to get off.
Wow, you musta been something, the admiring young
soldiers remarked. What was your job in the service?
Elevator operator in the Pentagon.
09
Aug
*** Real courtroom transcipts…courtesy of real idiots. ***
( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, Im divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didnt know about.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q: Do you drink when youre on duty?
A: I dont drink when Im on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said shed kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.