Old and New Jokes

What I Want in a Man – Original List

Handsome
Charming
Financially successful
A caring listener
Witty
In good shape
Dresses with style
Appreciates finer things
Full of thoughtful surprises
An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
Opens car doors, holds chairs
Has enough money for a nice dinner
Listens more than talks
Laughs at my jokes
Carries bags of groceries with ease
Owns at least one tie
Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

Not too ugly (bald head OK)
Doesnt drive off until Im in the car
Works steady – splurges on dinner out occasionally
Nods head when Im talking
Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
Remembers to put the toilet seat down
Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
Doesnt belch or scratch in public
Doesnt borrow money too often
Doesnt nod off to sleep when Im venting
Doesnt retell the same joke too many times
Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
Appreciates a good TV dinner
Remembers your name on occasion
Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

Doesnt scare small children
Remembers where bathroom is
Doesnt require much money for upkeep
Only snores lightly when asleep
Remembers why hes laughing
Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
Usually wears some clothes
Likes soft foods
Remembers where he left his teeth
Remembers that its the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

Breathing
Doesnt miss the toilet

You might be a redneck if…
You wont stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

[… offensive to Titanic survivors; their progeny, … hmmm … fans of the Titanic motion picture(?);-)]

A panicky passenger on the Titanic:

Passenger: Captain,captain, How far is the way to the nearest land?

Captain: Two Miles.

Passenger: In which direction?

Captain: Towards the bottom!

Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

A young lad approaches his father with the question, Whats the difference between fact and theory? Dad tells the boy that its difficult to explain but he can demonstrate it to him. He then tells the lad to ask his mother and sister if they would go to bed with a strange man for $500,000. The boy does as instructed and reports back to dad that both mom and sis said they would in fact sleep with a strange man for that amount of money. Well, there you have it, son, Dad said. In theory, were millionaires. Fact is were living with a couple of sluts.

Its not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.

1. Your boss is always yelling, I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.3. Id love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants.4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.5. You want to see if its like the dream.6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add Exotic Dancer to your exaggerated resume.7. People stop stealing your pens after theyve seen where you keep them.8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.9. Gives bad hair day a whole new meaning.10. No one steals your chair.

A woman walks into the local pharmacy and asks to see sanitary napkins.

The pharmacist replies, We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?

The woman asks, Whats the difference? Pharmacist replies, It depends on what you flow is like! Woman replies, My flo? My flo is linoleum!

Three bulls, one large, one medium, and one small, were standing in the pasture and had just heard a rumor that the farmer had just bought a new, larger bull.

The largest of the three said, Well, he aint getting none of my cows.

The medium bull said, He aint getting none of my cows.

The little bull said, Well, if he aint getting any of yours, them he sure as hell aint getting one of mine.

Two days later, a semi pulls into the yard, and they unload the new bull. Hes big and pissed from having been cooped up for the long journey. When the three bulls see him, the biggest bull says, He can have my cows, the medium bull says, He can have mine, too. The littlest bull, however, begins to paw the ground, snort and bellow, and basically carry on.

Whats with you? the other two asked. Im just showing him I aint a cow! answered he.

A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned and asked, Where did you get such a nice bike?

The second nerd replied, Well, yesterday I was walking home minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want!

The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, Good choice. The clothes probably wouldnt have fit.