Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yucatan!
Yucatan who?
Yucatan fool some people all of the time…!

31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; its actually proportional to the amount of money you have.

32. Roadtrip whenever possible.

33. Pick up all new lingo.

34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

35. Dont burn bridges, especially if hes good in Biology.

36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

37. The health service attendants are there because they couldnt make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.

39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

So the Germans can march in the shade.

A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor, If I had all the beer in the world, Id take it and throw it into the river.

And the congregation cried, Amen!

And if I had all the wine in the world, Id take it and throw it in the river.

And the congregation cried, Amen!

And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, Id take it all and throw it in the river.

And the congregation cried, Hallelujah!

The preacher sat down.

The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced, For our closing song, let us sing hymn 365, Shall we gather at the river.

THE MANS POINTS SYSTEM

For all you guys out there who just cant figure it out, here it

is:

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman

happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she

dislikes & points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing

something she expects…Sorry, thats the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed…+1 You make the bed, but forget to add the

decorative pillows…0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled

sheets…-1 You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty

liners with wings…+5 But return with beer …-5 You check out a

suspicious noise at night …0 You check out a suspicious noise and

its nothing…0 You check out a suspicious noise and its

something….+5 You pummel it with a six iron….+10 Its her

father…-10 You leave the toilet seat up…-5 You replace the

toilet-paper roll when its empty…0 When the toilet-paper roll is

barren, you resort to Kleenex…-1 When the Kleenex runs out you

shuffle slowly to the next bathroom…-2

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party…0 You

stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college

drinking buddy…-2 Named Tiffany…-4 Tiffany is a dancer…-6

Tiffany has implants…-8

HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner…0 You take her out to

dinner and its not a sports bar…+1 Okay, it is a sports bar…-2

And its all-you-can-eat night…-3 Its a sports bar, its

all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your

favorite team…-10

THOUGHTFULNESS You forget her birthday completely…-20 You forget

your anniversary…-30 You forget to pick her up at the bus

station…-45 Which is in Newark, New Jersey…-50 And the pouring

rain dissolves her leg cast…-60

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS Go out with a pal …-5 And the pal is

happily married …-4 Or frighteningly single …-7 And he drives a

Mustang…-10 With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) …-15

You have a few beers…-9 And miss curfew by an hour…-12 You miss

curfew by an hour and you didnt call…-20 You get home at 3

am…-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars

…-40 And not wearing any pants…-50 Is that a tattoo??…-200

HER NIGHT OUT You stay home while she goes out with her annoying

friend from work…+5 She goes out with her annoying work friends,

and she comes home real late…+10 You wait up…+15 She goes out,

comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed…+20

A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie…+2 You take her to a movie she

likes…+4 You take her to a movie you hate…+6 You take her to a

movie you like…-2 Its called DeathCop

3…-3 Which features cyborgs having sex…-9 You lied and said it

was a foreign film about orphans…-15

FLOWERS You buy her flowers only when its expected…0 You buy her

flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it…+20 You give her

wildflowers youve actually picked yourself…+30 And she contracts

Lyme disease…-25

YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly…-15 You develop a

noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it…+10 You develop

a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian

shirts…-30 You say I dont give a damn because you have one

too….-800

FINANCES You spend a lot of money on something impractical…+5

Something she cant use…+10 Such as a motorized model

airplane…-20 And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday…-40

DRIVING You let her tell you how to drive…+20 You let her mother

tell you how to drive…+40 You lost the directions on a trip…-4

You lost the directions and end up getting lost…-10 You end up

getting lost because you followed her directions …+10 You end up

getting lost in a bad part of town …-15 You get lost in a bad part

of town and meet the locals up close and personal…-25 You know

them…-60

THE BIG QUESTION She asks, Do I look fat?…-5 (Sensitive

questions always start with a deficit) You hesitate in

responding…-10 You reply, Where?…-35

COMMUNICATION When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,

displaying what looks like a concerned expression…0 When she wants

to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes….+5 You listen for more

than 30 minutes without looking at the TV…+10 She realizes this is

because youve fallen asleep…-20

A Chicago man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.

The man says, No problem. Im from Chicago.

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see how hes doing. To the devils surprise, the man is doing just fine.

No problem…just like Chicago in June, the man says.

So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the Chicago man is doing.

The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.

No problem. Just like Chicago in July, the man says.

So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.

He says, no problem. Just like Chicago in August.

Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland.

When he goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight. The devil immediately asks the man whats going on.

To which the Chicago man replies…..

THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!

THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!

A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location( A very rich area – Expected around $200,000 in cash daily ). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, Where is my money. The man replied that he didnt know and said that he would find him.

The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Bigs office. Mr. Big said, Where the fuck is my money? . The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said, What the fuck is this?

The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.

Mr. Big said, Do you know how to read sign language?

The man said, No, but Ill find someone who can. .

He comes back with a female interpreter and Mr. Big asks her to ask the runner where his money is. The girl starts asking him in sign language where his money is and the man replies back to her in the same.

Well, says Mr. Big, What did he say?

She says he said, Fuck You! .

Mr. Big replied, Youd better ask him again, I hope he misunderstood you.

The girl asks him again, Where is the money and the man again replied in sign language.

What did he say this time? , asked Mr. Big.

He said Fuck You, again .

With that, Mr. Big got very upset and told her to tell him, If he doesnt tell me where my money is, Ill cut off his head and throw him in the river!.

She told this to the man and this time he answered, Its under the front seat of my car, again in sign language.

Well , asked Mr. Big, What did he say this time? .

She replied He said Fuck You! .

The last words of a chemist:

7. In which glass was my mineral water?

8. The bunschen burnes *is* out!

9. Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?

10. Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.

9. In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by the Governor.

8. The big event is the 100m Sisterchase.

7. Instead of shooting at boring targets, archers take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.

6. Urine drug test transformed into Distance Pissin Competition.

5. Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.

4. Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by award of gold, silver, and bronze teeth.

3. Opening Ceremony is a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.

2. Hometown favorites falter in gymnastics competitions due to all them extra toes.

1. Two words: Billy Bobsledding.