Old and New Jokes

There is a red head hoping around town saying 51, 51 ,51 and a blonde walks up and says can i play the red head sayd shere so they are hoping around town saying 51, 51, 51, and the blonde gets hit by a truck and the red head says 52, 52, 52, 52.

Adlers Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.

This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food establishment:

APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatevers available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldnt be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If thats not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility

SALARY: Less than Im worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but theyre better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be Do you have a car that runs?

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks Im the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, Id like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Fresh in from the JokesGalore.com News Wire…

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping.

If anything, its getting worse.

Following last weeks news that Origami Bank had folded we have more breaking news…

We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song!

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal…stay tuned…

The last black person that had a dream got shot.

When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle.

Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.

I really cant remember, the snail replied.

You see, it all happened so fast.

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says So where are you from, then?

Im from Ireland.

Me too! Ill drink to that.

They both finish their pints and order two more.

Where in Ireland are you from?

Dublin.

Me too! Ill drink to that.

They both finish their pints and order two more.

Where in Dublin are you from?

The East Side.

The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! Ill drink to that! They both finish their pints and order two more.

Where on the East Side are you from?

McDonagh Street.

Me too! This is incredible! Ill drink to that.

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, Thats amazing! I cant believe theyre from the same street in Dublin. Whats going on?

Oh, its nothing amazing, says the bartender,its just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.

• I thought he was the pizza delivery guy leaving. No wondered he smiled when I tried to give him a tip!
• I was putting another denarius in the chariot meter!
• With the earth shakin and all the bright lights, we figgered we was abducted by aliens.

• Since the tomb was already empty when the stone was rolled away, Im afraid youre speaking to the wrong department. Let me give you a BR#245-A-Res form
  and direct you to Burial Services.

• As weve already stated several times before, according to the legal definition of escape, we emphatically deny any wrongdoing in this matter!
• We was HYPNO-TIZED! Centurion Bobicus is still clucking like a chicken!
• You told us to secure the tomb as best as we know how. We did! May I suggest an assessment of our current training program?
• All I know is, this better not mess up my early retirement package!
• Hey! Whatd you expect? Did you tell us we were guarding the Son of God?–NOOOOOOOOO

• Whats the big deal? He said Hed be back!

After buying a used car the pollock asked his wife to make sure that the
blinkers worked correctly. He got in, turned them on and asked her if they
were working. She replied, YES NO YES NO YES,……