Old and New Jokes

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.

In pain she screamed What the hell did you do that for!?

Tarzan replied, Always check for squirrels.

1. Only in America…… can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America…… are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America…… do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America…… do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America…… do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America…… do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America…… do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America…… do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America…… do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

10. Only in America…… do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clintons practice of taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.

A George Bush watch has no hands and says read my lips.
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.

A fin de someterse a un examen médico general, una superabundante chica acude a una clínica. El médico le ordena que se desvista por completo para proceder a realizarle un minucioso examen. Cuando termina, con el rostro afligido, el galeno le informa con solemnidad:

Señorita, lamento mucho tener que decirle algo.

¿Qué, doctor?, pregunta consternada la mujer.

Que se vista, dice con un profundo suspiro de resignación.

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. Theyre totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. Theyre moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

CONCLUSION: Theyre tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Dog?

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture
in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but dont
hear you when youre in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a
kiss.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

CONCLUSION: Theyre tiny men in little fur coats

Three guys work on a constuction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunchbag and sighs deeply, saying, If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow Im jumping off the building. The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, Im going with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says Im with you guys.
The next day the lunch bell rings.The white man opens his lunch. He says, Turkey sandwich. I love my wife. The black guy opens his lunch. He says, Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said See ya guys. With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says I feel sorry for him. The white man replies, Why? The black guy said, Because he packs his own lunch.

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher
decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as
the plate was being passed he said…

Brothers and Sisters, I dont like to have to do this, but there is a
man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioners wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name.

Later, as he counted the money he found 2O five dollar bills, and a two
dollar bill with a note that read Forever hold your peace, Ill have
that other three dollars before sundown.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because he felt like it!!!