Old and New Jokes

What do you call a dead parrot?

A Polygon.

Q: What do you call 32 Rednecks in one room? A: A full set of teeth.

Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, theyd be intolerable. – Ed Abbey

In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. – Ed Abbey

Girls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. – Edward Abbey

Women who love only women may have a good point. – Edward Abbey

Women: We cannot love them all. But we must try. – Edward Abbey

The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. – Edward Abbey

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. – Woody Allen

Woman: A creature whom a man cant get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. – Ambrose Bierce

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. – Dumas

Women! You cant live with them, you cant do most positions without them. – Dan Fielding (from the Night Court television series)

The great question… Which I have not been able to answer…is, What does a woman want? – Freud

Women are one of the Almightys enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do. – Ellen Glasglow

Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. – Dr. Johnson

Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football. – Fran Lebowitz

Its so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible. – Philip Marlowe The Big Sleep (1939) a novel by Raymond Chandler

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. – Groucho Marx

Men always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give them what they want and theyll defeat themselves. Today, youve got endless women in their 20s and 30s who dont know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be secretary of state. – actor Jack Nicholson

There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible. – P.J. ORourke

Did you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? … And cant say no in any of them. – Dorothy Parker

Women: You cant live with them, and you cant get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. – Emo Phillips

A woman is like a dresser; some man always goin through her drawers. – Blind Lemon Pledge

Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. – Pat Robertson

If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women. – Mort Sahl

Womens magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like women. Its as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to eat when you get to the picnic. Its for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the other hand, theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. – comic Jerry Seinfeld, in Esquire

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere – James Thurber

Feminists say 60 percent of the countrys wealth is in the hands of women. Theyre letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full. – Earl Wilson

A lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.

A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own.

Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.

By the time you know a woman like a book, youre too old to start a library.

Feminists are okay, I just wouldnt want my sister to marry one.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

Never argue with a woman when shes tired…or when shes rested.

One of the ironies of life is that its usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.

Real women dont have hot flashes, they have power surges.

Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.

Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.

One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route. At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked, “Whats your name?” “Patty” she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.
On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him “Special Ross.”
Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.
Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.
On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking… “Damn, I have two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunyons, on a Sesame Street bus!”

A womens lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, Where would man be today if it were not for woman?

She paused a moment and looked around the room.

I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?

From the back of the room came a voice, Hed be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries.

Picard: Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?

Geordi: Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology.

Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.

Riker looks puzzled. What the hell is Microsoft?

Data turns to answer. Allow me to explain. We will send
this program, for some reason called Windows, through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate.

Picard: But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Wont
they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

Data: Yes, Captain. But when Windows detects this, it
creates a new version of itself known as an upgrade. The use of
resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not
be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing
ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal
operational functions.

Picard: Excellent work. This is even better than that
unsolvable geometric shape idea.

.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

Data: Captain, We have successfully installed the
Windows in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed
85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of
the expected upgrade.

Geordi: Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg
storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication
of an upgrade to compensate for their increase.

Picard: Data, scan the history banks again and
determine if there is something we have missed.

Data: Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure
in the upgrade. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the
plan by not sending in their registration cards.

Riker: Captain, we have no choice. Requesting
permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . .

Geordi, excited Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU
capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !

Picard: Data, what do your scanners show?

Data: Apparently the Borg have found the internal
Windows module named Solitaire and it has used up all the CPU
capacity.

Picard: Lets wait and see how long this solitaire
can reduce their functionality.

.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

Riker: Geordi, whats the status on the Borg?

Geordi: As expected the Borg are attempting to
re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each
time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep
space monitor beacon to transmit more windows modules from something
called the Microsoft fun-pack.

Picard: How much time will that buy us ?

Data: Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate
an interest time span of 6 more hours.

Geordi: Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

Picard: Identify.

Data: It appears to have markings very similar to the Microsoft logo

Over the speakers THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE
MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF
UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN
AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS

Data: The alien ship has just opened its forward
hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

Picard: Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft

Riker: Good God captain! Those are humans floating
straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they
survive the tortures of deep space ?!

Data: I dont believe that those are humans sir, if you
will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something
recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases,
and wearing Armani suits

Riker and Picard together, horrified Lawyers !!

Geordi: It cant be. All the Lawyers were rounded up
and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

Data: True, but apparently some must have survived.

Riker: They have surrounded the Borg ship and are
covering it with all types of papers.

Data: I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as
red tape. It often proves fatal.

Riker: Theyre tearing the Borg to pieces!

Picard: Turn off the monitors. I cant stand to watch,
not even the Borg deserve that.

Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, What is wrong with you?

Adam said he didnt have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing shell wash it for you.

She will always agree with every decision you make.

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when youve had a disagreement.

She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

Adam asked God, What will a woman like this cost?

God replied, An arm and a leg.

Then Adam asked, What can I get for a rib?

The rest is history…

The hillbilly man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance.

His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says Honey, I have something to tell you. Im a virgin.

The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there his father says Son, what are you doing here? Youre supposed to be on your honeymoon.

The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says Dad, my new wife told me a big secret of hers. Shes a virgin!!!!

Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasnt good enough for her family, she sure as hell isnt good enough for ours!

Cierto joven siempre soñó con tener una Harley Davidson. Así que un día, habiendo ahorrado suficiente fue a un dealer y compró su moto.

Luego de escogerla, el vendedor le advierte que si la deja afuera mientras llueve, puede oxidarse, así que le recomienda que siempre tenga un frasco de vaselina a la mano, para untarle a la moto.

Unos meses después, el joven se enamora de una chica y ella lo invita a cenar en su casa para conocer a sus padres. Cuando el joven llega en su moto, antes de entrar ella le advierte que en su familia hay una vieja tradición según la cual, al primero que hablara después de la cena le tocaba lavar los platos.

Después de una deliciosa cena, todos continúan sentados, esperando al primero que rompa el silencio, pues nadie quiere lavar.

Pasan 30 largos minutos y el joven, para acelerar un poco las cosas, toma a la novia y la besa enfrente de todos. ¡Nadie dice ni una palabra!

Entonces decide tomar medidas extremas. Toma a su novia, la pone sobre la mesa y tiene sexo con ella… ¡Nadie dice una palabra!

Ahora el hombre está desesperado, así que toma a la suegra, y tiene sexo con ella, de forma aún más salvaje que con la novia…

¡Pero nadie dice ni una palabra!

Ahora,el joven está a punto de reventar y no sabe qué hacer, cuando en la distancia oye unos truenos… Su primer pensamiento es proteger la Harley Davidson. Así que saca del bolsillo la vaselina…

Entonces el padre dice:

¡Está bien, yo lavo, carajo!

A man is drowning in the sea.Help me, Lord, he cries.



Just then, a fishing trawler comes by. Climb on board yells the skipper.



No, no, no, says the drowning man. The Lord will save me.



OK,we will be on our way, then, replies the captain.



Two minutes later a rescue helicopter landed along-side the poor chap, and the pilot threw a rope into the fierce waves. I do not need any help, cries the breathless man, The Lord will come and rescue me.



Moments later the guy drowns, and finds himself in heaven. On meeting God, the man weeps: Lord, I was waiting for you to rescue me from my watery tomb. Why did you not save me?



God replies: You daft sod. I sent you a boat and a bloody helicopter!