Old and New Jokes

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the
sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, Hey! Where are you going?
You just shot my waiter and you didnt pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender, Hey, man, Im a panda! Look it
up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda,
A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin characterized by distinct black and
white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

A mail clerk for a Judge never had any trouble scoring at all with the ladies. However, the Judge had a paralegal working for him that would not even glance in the clerks direction.

Finally one day, he decided on the direct approach.

He saundered up and said Hey baby. Hows about you and me getting together for a cozy weekend in a quiet out-of-the-way motel. Itd be a blast, fer shure.

She replied, Im afraid that my awareness of your proclivities in the esoteric aspects of sexual behavior precludes any such erotic congenial tete-a-tete.

I dont get it, he said.

Exactly!!! she smiled.

Hey Guy, You Think Youve Got Problems…

• imagine Adam trying to convince Eve that God intended for him to wear the plants in the family

• imagine being so old it takes you forty-five minutes to undress, and another twenty to remember why

• suppose by the time you can read a woman like a book … your eyes go bad

• suppose every time you meet a hot looking girl you used to know … its her daughter

• imagine being so impotent that you even have to fake premature ejaculation

• imagine you join Overeaters Anonymous and they make you a chapter

• suppose two of the worlds greatest movers and shakers move into the apartment above you

• suppose you become a sheik with 150 wives … and your house only has six bathrooms

• imagine you get a great color from going to the beach … but its blue from holding your stomach in

• imagine at the beach your wife tells you to suck your gut in … and you already are

• suppose you go to a carnival … and a fortune teller offers to read your face

• suppose you married a girl because she looked like a siren but now, she only sounds like one

Why do hummingbirds hum?

They forgot the words……

A ten year old boy is walking down the street dragging a dead frog on a string. He walks up into a whorehouse and says to the madame, I would like one girl please. The madame looks at the young boy and says, Im sorry I cant help you, youre too young. So the boy digs into his pocket and whips out two hundred bucks and throws it on the counter. The madame picks up the money up and says, I think we will be able to work something out here.

Then the boy says, On one condition…The girl has to have active herpes. The madame drops the money back onto the counter and says, Well Im sorry I cant help you. All my girls are clean, they get tested every week. So the boy digs back into his pocket and whips out another two hundred bucks and throws it onto the counter. And the madame says, Actually, I think I have just the girl for you. So the boy goes upstairs and does his thing with the girl.

He is on his way down the stairs to leave and hes still dragging that dead frog by a string. The madame stops him as hes leaving and says, Can I ask you a question before you leave? and the kid says, Yeah sure. The madame asks, Why in the hell would a kid your age want a girl with active herpes? Youre gonna keep that the rest of your life, thats insane!

The boy retorts, Well it goes like this… Im gonna go home now and fuck my babysitter. About 11:00 tonight mom and dad will come home. Dad will take the babysitter home and hell fuck her. Then hell come back that same night and fuck my mom. Than about 9:00 tomorrow morning the milkman comes, and thats the motherfucker who killed my frog!

Q. What did one gay sperm say to another?
A. How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

There were three drunk guys and they got in a car accident. They go to heaven and plead god for a second chance. God says, Alright, but dont step on a duck. The drunks reply, Why ducks? God repeats, Just dont step on a duck. The drunks agree and go back down to earth. A few weeks go by, and the first steps on a duck. Instantly, hes chained to the ugliest woman in the world. A month goes by and the second steps on a duck. The last of them is laughing at the others and is instantly chained to the most beautiful woman in the world. He says, God, what did I do for this? The girl says, I dont know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

Q: What are the famous last words of a redneck?

A: Hey yall… Watch this!

What is Jim Baker now preaching?

-Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff.

Neither, its a paradox. If the first is true, then the second must be false, which makes the first false… it doesnt work.