Old and New Jokes

Oh Husband, Dear Husband, I tremble with fear.

Youve been on overtime almost a year,

And since you are gone, till way late at night

A good piece of ass seems way out of sight.

O Husband, Dear Husband, Please dont be a fool,

Working this overtime is wasting your tool.

For better it is, to be poor all your life,

Than to bring a soft peter home to your wife.

I used to be happy as your little queen,

But now every night youre no where to be seen

You come home from work just able to creep,

I feel like screwing, but you want to sleep.

Each evening, Dear Husband, you crawl into bed,

Your intentions are good but your peter is dead.

I play with your pecker all wrinkled and dry,

I get so damn mad, I could lay down and cry.

I have pleaded with you dear, with tears in my eyes,

Ive played with your balls, but your pecker wont rise,

So Ill find me a man who works eight hours a day,

And while youre on O.T., well proceed to make hay.

For in this whole world, there is only one sin,

For which there is no pardon, and never has been,

And that is a man whos so foolish and mean,

That he gives up his fucking to run a machine.

One night a man and his wife are in bed when the man hears a knock on his door,
so he gets up and opens it. Standing there is a very drunk guy who asks the
homeowner to give him a push.What! the homeowner yells in an angry voice and promptly slams the door in
the drunks face. He goes back upstairs and gets back in bed, and his wife asks
him who it was. Just a guy wanting a push, the husband says.Why didnt you help him? the woman asks.Because its 3:30 in the morning! the husband yells.The wife, slightly angry now, says, Remember that time our car broke down and someone was nice enough to help us in the middle of the night? I think you should help him.Very grumpy now, the husband gets back up, gets dressed, and goes outside. Not
seeing the man or his car, he yells out, Where are you? You said you wanted a push!The drunk calls out, Im over here!Still not seeing the drunk, the husband yells out again, WHERE?!The drunk yells back, OVER HERE, BY YOUR SWING SET!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a dog.

Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

But Im not allowed up on the couch!



Doctor, Doctor Youve got to help me – I just cant stop my hands shaking!

Doc: Do you drink a lot?

Not really – I spill most of it!



Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.

Then youll have a bad headache.



Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im God!

Doc: When did this start?

Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the…



Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!

Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?



Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

Doc: I never make rash promises!



Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking Im a frog!

Doc: So whats wrong with that?

I think Im going to croak!

A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the lawyers rates.

$50.00 for three questions, replied the lawyer.



Isnt that awfully steep? asked the man.



Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?

What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man? The PGA tour.

There was a retarded duck farmer who had 2 sons, but only enough money to send one to college. So he came up with a fair way to choose who was to get the money. He called both of his sons into a room and gave them each a retarded duck and instructed them to go into the city. The one who made the most off the duck would win the money for college.

Well the first child, being the good child he was, scurried off to sell his duck. As he was walking, he saw a lady mowing her lawn. She jumped up from the mower and screamed, IS THAT A RETARDED DUCK?!? It sure is he replyed, and its for sale too! She said that she collected retarded ducks and would gladly pay him $10 for that duck, he agreed.

Well the other son being the bad kid went strait for the whore house. When he got there, a lady started hittin on him. He said hed love to fuck her but he doesnt have any money, just this retarded duck. She thought about it for awhile and said, well I always did want a pet. So they go in the back and have mad passionate animal sex. When they were done, the lady said she didnt want the duck anymore. He said he would gladly take the duck back if he could fuck her again, so they went at it again. The guy was pretty happy by now so he runs on home, he ran so fast that the duck got away from him and ran out in front of a car and got hit. The duck was clearly dead, so the lady being in the hurry that she was, gave the young man $25 compensation for the dead duck, then she sped off in her car.

When the two finally got home, the father once again called them into a room and said, How much did you make, looking at his good son. The good son said $10, with a modest look on his face.

Then the dad glared at his other son and said, How about you? The bad son said, well… I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up duck!

Un tipo se encontraba sin mujer y, por consiguiente, no tenía en donde meterlo. En eso, ve a un borracho durmiendo en la calle con los pantalones abajo y con el culo al aire. El sujeto no lo pensó dos veces y, caliente como estaba, le metió la puntita hasta que acabó, dejándole luego $100 en el bolsillo. Cuando el borracho se levanta y se encuentra el dinero, se dirige inmediatamente a la botillería y pide una botella de vodka.

Al día siguiente, el calenturiento hace lo mismo y le deja $500. El borrachín se levanta y va directamente a comprarse una botella de güisqui. Duerme la mona nuevamente, y el cachondo se lo mete todo, hasta el fondo, y le deja $1000. El beodo se dirige a la botillería; cuando el dueño lo ve, le pregunta:

¿Güisqui?

¡No, porque con el güisqui me duele mucho el culo!

Después de quedarse sin dinero, un hombre se encuentra afuera de un casino en San José y a las cuatro de la mañana para un taxi:

Buenas. Mire, tengo un problema: necesito que me lleve a Cartago. No tengo dinero aquí para pagarle, por lo que he pensado que usted me deja en la puerta de mi casa, vivo en un primer piso; subo y le bajo el dinero.

No, esa mierda no me la creo, responde el taxista.

Vamos, que necesito que me lleve, que no tengo nada de plata aquí…

Que no, que no te llevo, que te vayas caminando.

Finalmente, el tipo llegó a Cartago como pudo. Al cabo de un mes vuelve a ir al mismo casino y le va de maravilla y se gana 500 mil colones. Sale del casino otra vez a las cuatro de la mañana para coger un taxi y ve que hay una cola de 20 taxis por lo menos y se da cuenta que el último de todos era el del otro día, y dijo para sí mismo:

A este hijueputa hoy si me lo jodo.

Va con el primer taxista:

Hola, buenas noches. Le doy 20 mil colones si me lleva a Cartago, pero con una condición.

Sí, sí, la que sea, la que sea, acepta el conductor.

Que cuando lleguemos allá me la chupes.

¡Qué va, que va. Búscate a otro!

El segundo taxi:

Hola, ¿qué tal? Le doy 20 mil colones si me lleva a Cartago con una condición.

Sí hombre, lo que sea, ¿qué tengo que hacer?

Que cuando lleguemos allá me la chupes.

¡Lárguese antes que lo pichasee todo!

Así se tiró toda la cola y cuando llega al último, que era el del otro día, le dice:

Mira, te doy 20 mil colones si me llevas a Cartago, pero con una condición.

Sí, claro, la que sea.

Que cuando pases por delante de todos estos taxis saques la mano y grites: ¡Voy para Cartago, voy para Cartago!

There were three little pigs named Shutup, Stupid, and Trouble, and they were driving a car through the countryside once day.

Trouble leaned too far out the window and fell out of the car, and then down a hill, so Shutup and Stupid started looking for him.

A police car stopped to see what was the matter, but when the cops asked what their names were, the pigs each said their names in turn.

Shutup
Stupid

Misunderstanding them, the cops asked them if they were looking for trouble, and they said Yes, he fell out of the car and rolled down the hill.

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully. I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, Im certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson. 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesnt smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. 3. Bubba Claus sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzens head now overlooks Bubbas fireplace. 4. You wont hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen … when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, youll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty. 5. Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by Yee Haw! And you also are likely to hear Bubbas elves respond, I herd dat! 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words Back Off! The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy. 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and Its a Wonderful Life will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, youll see Boss Hogg Saves Christmas and Smokey and the Bandit IV featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. 8. Bubba Claus doesnt wear a belt. If I were you, Id make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer and Bing Crosbys Santa Claus is Coming to Town. This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutts Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judds All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.s If You Dont Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It. Sincerely Yours, Santa ClausNorth American Fairies and Elves Local 209