Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lion!
Lion who?
Lion down on the job again!

Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head.

Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight.
After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink
orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and
placed before him.

The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The
minister replied in disgust, Maam, Id rather be savagely raped by a
brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!

The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,Im
sorry, I didnt know there was a choice. Ill have the same thing hes
having.

How To Shower Like a Woman
How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband
along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so
that you can complain and whine even more about how youre getting fat.

Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.

Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added
vitamins.

Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with
natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red
and raw.

Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair (take at least 15 minutes as you must make
sure that it has all come off).

Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get
it waxed instead.

Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you lose the
water pressure.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
Wrap hair in
super absorbent second towel.

Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with
nails/tweezers if found.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and
then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake your
wiener at her making the woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if
you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch
your privates and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

Get in the shower.

Dont bother to look for a washcloth (you dont use one).

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

Wash your privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.

Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

Make a shampoo Mohawk.

Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

Pee (in the shower).

Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor
because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

Partially dry off.

Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

Leave bathroom fan and light on.

Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your
wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go Yeah baby and thrust your
pelvis at her.

Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Dentro de un ascensor se estaba jugando un partido de futbol.

Desde afuera se escuchaba: ¡Haga el pase, tóquela, crúcela, cabecee, amáguele, levántela!

De un momento a otro se escuchó: ¡GOOOOOOOOOOL, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!

Todos los jugadores del equipo voltean a mirar al arquero de una forma inquisitiva. Este, viéndolos con cara de preocupación, les dice:

¿PERO QUE, NO VEN QUE ME DEJARON SOLO?

Estaba el Creador repartiendo las enfermedades en todo el cuerpo:

Hepatitis… te vas al hígado; laringitis… te vas a la faringe; migraña… te vas a la cabeza.

En eso que llega el SIDA corriendo y se quiere meter a la fila, entonces todas las demás enfermedades comienzan a gritar:

¡A la cola, a la cola!

Había una pareja de enamorados que estaban desesperados por su situación económica, así que la chica se arma de valor y le dice al enamorado:

Carlos ya no aguanto más, me voy a los Estados Unidos a conseguir trabajo, y la condenada toma sus maletas y se larga.

Despues de tres meses, al enamorado le llega un telegrama con el titulo P.P.P, el enamorado angustiado lo lee:

P: POCA PLATA.

P: PELIGRA POTO.

P: POSIBLE PUTA.

Así que el enamorado apenado le responde y al cabo de una semana la chica recibe un telegrama urgente que se titulaba C.C.C, el cual decía:

C: COBRA CARO.

C: CUIDA CULO.

C: CARIÑOS CARLOS.

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if its done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night – Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
28. Love your neighbor, but dont get caught.
29. Love is a hole in the heart.
30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
32. Do it only with the best.
33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
34. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
38. Thou shalt not commit adultery… unless in the mood.
39. Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you.
40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
41. Never argue with a women when shes tired – or rested.
42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt.
43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
45. Never say no.
46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her.
47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
51. Love comes in spurts.
52. The world does not revolve on an axis.
53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
55. Dont do it if you cant keep it up.
56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
59. This wont hurt, I promise.

Un hombre va a un puticlub y se dirige con el dueño:

Buenas, yo quisiera estar, si se puede, con alguna que esté muy buena; que me haga subir al cielo y que nunca se canse.

El proxeneta le señala una superbuena: una rubia escultural.

Sí, sí, esa, sí.

Te vale 20.000.

No tiene algo más barato.

¿Cuánto se quiere gastar, hombre?

Pues 500 pesetas, que es lo que llevo.

Por 500 pesetas tengo un cuarto que los puede valer.

Total, le da las 500 pesetas y entra a un cuarto en que sólo ve un pollo subido a una mesa, y nada más. Extrañado, inspecciona el cuarto, y se acerca al pollo. Empieza a tocarlo, y piensa:

Pues será esto.

Así que agarra al pollo y… racaaaa, empieza a trincarse al pollo y, bueno, piensa que no está mal y es barato. Así que repite al día siguiente, la semana entera, el mes y llega un día y no hay pollo. Le pregunta al dueño que fue lo que pasó, y aquel le informa que el pollo se ha muerto, pero que tiene otro cuarto que por 500 pesetas le puede valer también. Le da las 500 pesetas y entra al cuarto, y ve un montón de gente mirando por una ventana. Se asoma y ve a un tío tirándose a un jarrón, y le comenta a uno:

Anda, que hay estar mal para tirarse a un jarrón.

Pues no veas, hace unos días había un gilipollas trincándose a un pollo.

A: Bury a blonde.