Old and New Jokes

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter.

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?

And the man replied, I dont know, my wife told me to stand here.

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

Its not the fall that kills you, its the sudden stop.

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said Look at that dog with one eye!

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, Why?

A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patients suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.

2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.

3.Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.

4.Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.

8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.

9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course of treatment by your doctor. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.

10. Never die while in your doctors presence or under his direct care. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

By now Im sure that you have heard all the Redneck jokes. Now here are some takes on how Southern folks look at their Northern cousins:

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A YANKEE IF:

You think barbecue is a verb meaning to cook outside.
You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!
You dont have any problems pronouncing Worcestershire sauce correctly.
For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
You dont know what a moon pie is.
Youve never had an RC cola.
Youve never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.
You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
Youve never seen a live chicken, and the only cows youve seen are on road trips.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You dont see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You dont have bangs.
You would rather vacation at Marthas Vineyard than Six Flags.
More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
Instead of referring to two or more people as yall, you call them you guys, even if both of them are women.
You dont think Ted Kennedy has an accent.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-n-knife show.
You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
You dont have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp to the highway.
You dont have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
The farthest south youve ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
You call binoculars opera glasses.
You cant spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
You dont know what applique is.
You dont know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice, et al).
You dont have doilies, and you certainly dont know how to make one.
Youve never been to a craft show.
You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
You can do your laundry without quarters.
None of your fur coats are homemade.

Airline virus: Youre in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

— Homer Simpson

Here are some jokes from foreign countries that often bear the brunt of many
American jokes. (Dont flame me. Im an American.)

Q: Why does it take 3 Americans to change a lightbulb?

A: One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough lightbulbs until one
is found that isnt defective.

Q: How can you tell its midnight at an American airport?

A: When you see the 8:00 PM flights taking off.

Q: Why do American 18-year-olds take sex education courses?

A: So they can learn what theyve been doing wrong for the past five years.

Q: What do Americans call a TV set that goes five years without need of repair?

A: An import.

Q: How can an American be certain that the car hes just bought is actually
new?

A: When its recalled by the factory.

[Note – reportedly from MAD Magazine – ed.]

Te presentamos algunos argumentos que te permitirán huir en ese momento sin necesidad de que digas: me estoy c…

Ecológica: Ya vengo, Voy a reciclar material biodegradable.

Artística: Voy a pintar un angelito negro.

Filosófica: Voy a pasar de lo abstracto a lo concreto.

Culinaria: Voy a ponerle sabor al caldo.

Romántica: Voy a entregar unos bombones.

Franca: Me voy a sincerar.

Bien intencionada: Voy a sacar lo mejor de mi.

Coqueta: Me voy a echar agüita en los cachetes.

Otras formas de decir: Ya vengo, voy al baño

Voy a evacuar una duda.

Voy a soplar la vela, antes de que se me caiga la torta.

Voy a mandar unos troncos al aserradero.

Voy a sacarme un peso de encima.

Voy a despedir un amigo del interior.

Voy a tirar la basura.

Voy a desalojar al inquilino.

Voy a echar una boya.

Voy a echar un topo al remolino.

Voy a hacer una escultura efímera.

Voy a hundir un zeppelin.

Voy a externar mi malestar.

Voy a tumbarle el puro al cachetón.

Voy a desechar una hipótesis.

Voy a negociar la liberación de rehenes.

Voy a liberar a Willy.