Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you keep Alec Baldwin from drowning?
A1: You take your foot off his head.
A2: Get the lead out of his ass.
A3: Chisel the concrete off his feet.

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.” The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.” With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, “I want two more of these.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

183. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that youve turned into Gumby.

The Lancashire dialect reverses the u sounds in put and putt.
A Lancastrian gave a lecture to a large mixed class on the Antarctic
expedition led by Sir Vivian Fuchs. He called him Fucks throughout. A
colleague remonstrated after the lecture: You know, his name is Fuchs.
Oh yes; but I didnt like to say it with all those ladies present.

–J.E.Littlewood, A Mathematicians Miscellany

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time ( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, Id like to try the bet.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowds laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man, what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?

The man replied, I work for the IRS.

Dave was a bit of a nut who enjoyed making obscene phone calls.

His biggest pleasure is making such calls to kindergarten teachers.

Hell find a lonely telephone booth, dial the number of a teacher, and exclaim –

Is this Mrs. Jones, the kindergarten teacher at P.S. 41?

When the teacher answers yes, Dave goes into his act…

Wee-ee, poo-poo ca-ca!

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway. Sister, you are the most beautiful woman Ive ever seen and I must have sex with you. he says.

Im sorry but Ive given my body to God. she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says I know a way you can get her in the sack.

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.

The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing hes going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you.

She replies Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass.

The guy figures this isnt a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever.

After it is over he whips off his outfit and says, Surprise Im the guy on the bus.

With that the nun turns around and says, Surprise Im the bus driver.

Who Wants to Marry a Software Engineer? is Silicon Valleys newest game show.

What quality do you value most in your partner?

A sense of humor
Emotional maturity.
High bandwidth.

When you get home at the end of the day, you like to:

Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner.
Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page.
Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change batteries on your pager, and resynchronize your Palm Pilot and home computer.

Your ideal partner is:

Interesting and attractive.
Emotionally mature and understanding.
Extensible and polymorphic.

In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to:

Dilbert
Kernighan and Ritchie
comp.lang.c++

If go over to your partners place and think its a mess, you would:

Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up.
Call a maid service.
Make clean

What kind of car would you like to buy next, and why?

A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful.
A Jeep, because its youthful, rugged, and wont break down.
A Honda because the engine control computer can be hacked for more horsepower.

If your partner comes home from work complaining bitterly about his boss, you will:

Give him a hug, pour him a drink, and tell him you love him.
Commiserate about how unfair managers can be.
Forge the bossse-mail address, and subscribe him to 17 pornography mailing lists.

Name the 4 essential food groups:

Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy.
Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream.
rec.food.cooking, rec.food.veg, ba.food, alt.food.chocolate

You like to travel with your partner because:

You share new experiences together.
You learn about each other in different situations.
You get more use out of your wireless modem.

How would you describe your attitude towards religion?

Im not particularly religious.
I believe in emacs, but can use vi.
I think emacs can be configured as a full IDE.

You think a relationship is ready for a permanent commitment because:

Youve successfully struggled through several years of good and bad times.
Youre already living together, so you might as well tie the knot.
You finally got your local network configured just right.

If you and your partner got married, you would want to:

Keep your last name.
Change your last name.
Combine your names with a hyphen.
Combine your names with an underscore.

You and your partner think its time to have children when:

Your stock options are vested.
Youve agreed on the requirements and design.
Youve come up with a good naming convention.
You really understand the use of multiple inheritance.

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an accep-
table response to I love you.

Hallmark would make Sorry, what was your name again? cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
game, shed appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside
and a Nice hustle, youll get em next time would pretty
much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of
the NFL Team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and youd
jump out your window and slide down the tail of a bronto-
saurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Itd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put
on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating
the public ugliness ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, youd get beer biceps.

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?