Once this woman walked into an adult boutique. The clerk noticed that she was shaking all over and thought that she might be ill. The woman approached the clerk and asked, D-d-d-o-o-o y-y-you sell 10 v-v-v-ibr-r-ators?
Yes we do, he answered.
She then asks, Are th-th-th-ey 6 around and made b-b-by Acme adult nov-v-v-el-el-ties?
He again answers, Yes we do sell that model.
The woman looks relieved and exclaims, We-e-ell how d-d-o-o-o you turn th-th-the damn thing off!?!?!
4 Doctors were talking shop one day…
An Israeli doctor said, Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor said Thats nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor said, In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said Hah!
We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!
The Rabbi rose with a red face and said, Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK. This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.
No one moved.
The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and ! in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop, rose in the third pew. Her head was
bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.
Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets…
…and then they all had tea.
A Jewish anthropologist, Benny Steinfeld, was working in the desert near Israel when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes. Steinfeld wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned. All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand. The moral of this story? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
Snow White saw Pinocchio through the woods, so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back and then sat on his face crying, Lie to me! Lie to me!
And Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in the divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, You say here that your wife is crazy?
Mickey replied, No I didnt. I said she is f***ing Goofy.
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.
Sir, what are you yelling about? Youre scaring the customers.
I was just trying to get attention through shocking others. Im sorry, I think Ill go home and rethink whats important in my life. Pardon my childishness.
The barmaid granted that pardon and she went back to work.
gavinfx@yahoo.com
Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they were shot and killed.
God comes down to them and said, I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something.
The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live.
God says to them, Go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do.
The first man came back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, If you can put all 3 cherries up your butt without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.
The man puts 2 cherries up his butt, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.
The second man came back carrying three apples. God says to him, If you can stick all three of those apples up your butt, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.
So the man sticks 2 apples up his butt. But when he puts the third one inside, he starts laughing hysterically.
God says to him, You have made a face, and now you will go to hell, but Im curious…why did you start laughing?
And the man said then, Cuz Larry is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons.
Q: Whats so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know shell swallow.
Q: Why dont they teach drivers education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They dont want to wear out the camel.
Q: Whats the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
Q: What do you get if you cross a Hells Angel with a Jehovahs Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off!
Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.
Q: Whats the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.
Q: Whats the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.
Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows shes given her last blow job.
Q: Who is the most popular man at the Nudist Colony?
A: The man who can carry two cups of coffee and 12 donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular woman at the Nudist Colony?
A: The woman who can eat the last two donuts.
Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.
Q: What did One gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: Its cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?
Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.
Q. Whats the definition of Trust? A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
Q. How do you find a blonde in long grass? A. Pleasing!
Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies? A. Bingo!
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jacksons ranch know when it is bedtime? A. When the big hand touches the little hand…
Q: When is a pixie not a pixie?
A: When hes got his head up a fairys skirt, then hes a goblin.
Q. Whats the definition of a Yankee? A. Same thing as a quickie, only you do it yourself.
Q: Whats a Japanese girls favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Q: How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A: The tongues still in the envelope.
Q: Whats the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
Q: Which of the following doesnt belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just cant beat a blow job.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Two wrongs not make a right – Three lefts do.
Passionate kiss like spiders web – soon lead to undoing of fly.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
War doesnt determine whos right. War determines whos left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!
Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
Man who sit on tack get point!
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Q: What is Iraqs national bird?
A: Duck! ——————— Q: How many Newfies does it take to change a flat tire?
A: Five. One to seal the inner tube and four to club the seal. ——————— Q: What is the definition of mass confusion ?
A: Fathers day in Harlem! ——————— Did you hear about the Indian who couldnt tell heads from tails? You should have seen the scalps he took! ——————— A Mexican tried to get into the United States. He was stopped at the border and questioned as to why he wanted in this country and how long he would stay.
He told them that he wanted to live there and become a citizen. The officer said, Okay, if you use yellow, pink, and green in a sentence, I will let you in.
The Mexican thought and thought. He finally said, The telephano goes green, green, green. So I pink it up and say YELLOW! ——————— This guy gets a map of Canada tattooed on his butt. The only trouble is that every time he takes a dump, Quebec separates. ——————— An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (Londons biggest building). As he stood there looking up, a kid joined him.
After a while, the American turned to the kid and said, Do you realize, son,that we have buildings like that in the States, only theyre three times the size?
Im not surprised, said the kid. Thats a Lunatic Asylum! ——————— A man walks into a Chinese restaurant and is told by the maitred that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. So he goes and has a seat at the bar.
The bartender walks up and says with a heavy accent, What you dlink?
The man replies, Give me a Stoli with a twist.
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, Once upon time were *twee* little pigs…