Old and New Jokes

What did one casket say to the other ?



Was that you coffin?

A young man walks into a bar in Alaska. After many drinks, he announces to the whole bar that he is proud to be a new Alaskan. One of the old timers at the bar laughs at him and asks him if he has gone through the

Ritual yet. The lad asks what the ritual entails. The old timer says,Well, to be an Alaskan, you have to kill a Polar Bear and fuck an Eskimo. The young man says that he hasnt done either yet, so he and the old timer continue to drink heavily together and the old timer answers his questions about the Ritual. The young man stands up and wobbles out of the bar drunk as can be.





About four hours later, he struggles back into the bar, all scratched and cut up. He summons all of this strength and shouts out Where is this damn Eskimo I have to kill?!

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

In the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited. In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.

See Rabbi Schwartz, Father Flanagan, and Master Yogi in a theological grudge match in the Steel Confessional of Death in Biblemania XIV!
That John 3:16 guy at the football game is now holding a sign saying Channel 5, right now!
The Weather Channel broadcasting 24-hour a day Ark Advisory.
Bearded guy in the window outside The Today Show keeps sending telepathic messages.
NBC starts plugging THOU SHALT SEE TV
That older gentleman announcing the new Fig Leaf Policy on the Playboy channel aint Hef.
At last, somebody smote those idiotic Mentos commercials!!
Guest on Entertainment Tonight squashes James Cameron like a bug, raises arms and exclaims, No, *Im* the king of the world!
MTVs Vatican Spring Break 98
Maximum possible Jeopardy score: $783,200. Contestant who looks like George Burns: $700,000 and climbing.
Flurry of white people sighted on UPN and WB networks.
Jerry Springer only gets out the words Today our topic is… before he bursts into flames.
For sixth straight day, Kenny G. live from Branson cancelled due to technical difficulties.
When Oprah says My next guest wrote his bestselling book thousands of years ago, and he hasnt been seen in public since, she aint talking about Salinger!
Your first two clues? Mohammed as sidekick and Buddha as bandleader.

and the Number 1 Sign God is Appearing on Your TV…

Normally standoffish Amish family from down the street drops by with a bundt cake and a bottle of Amaretto.

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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Ruminations & Ponderances

I once thought that if I had all the money in the world, I would give some to my friends, but that would be pretty stupid, because then I wouldnt have all the money in the world anymore.

(Thanks to Sheryl Adsit)

A beautiful, Voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this women and all his professonalism goes out the windon. Right away he tells her to unfress.



After she has disrobed he beings to stroke her thigh. As he does this he say to the woman, Do you know what Im doing?





Yes, she says, yourre checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.





That is correct, says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.





Do you know what Im doing now? yYoure checking for any lumps or breast cancer.





Thats right, replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, Do you know what Im doing now?





Yes, she say. Youre getting herpes.

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him. Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger? I dont have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. I just have to run faster than you.

CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!

Except for cats that eat like people — such as getting lots of table scraps — most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and youll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than .75 per can — and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.

Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouses or partners plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.

Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food — tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouses or partners cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouses or partners pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last nights chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

You are attempting to install Windows XP. Are you sure you want to continue?

Yes.

Are you really sure?

Yes.

Are you really, really sure?

YES!

Ok, then. Just so you know, were required to ask you that now. Its all your fault for being a picky consumer and supporting that whole anti-trust nonsense. Ingrate!

Just get on with it.

Attempting to install Windows XP. First we need to check your system for compatibility. This could take several days.

Groan …

The install program has detected several possible problems and will not let you install XP.

Problems? What problems?

The video card you are using apparently does not work with the motherboard.

But Im using it at this very moment.

That is irrelevant.

But if the video card isnt working with the motherboard, then I cant very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasnt …

Do not attempt to fool me with logic, I am a Microsoft product. Logic does not work on me. I have also found the following minor errors: Windows XP is incompatible with the following hardware: monitor, keyboard, memory chips, motherboard bios, web cam, scanner, sound card, USB controller, CD/R drive, microphone, and flight stick.

All that?

Yes. And the hard drive is right out too. We dont like the manufacturer.

Well, what *DOES* work?

The mouse.

The mouse???

Yes. And the 5 1/4 drive.

I dont have a 5 1/4 drive.

Yes, you do.

No, I dont.

Whats that, then?

Its a 3 1/2 drive.

No, it isnt.

Yes, it is.

… Hey, what is that? What are you doing? Is that a disk? What are you doing with that disk? Youre not putting it in the drive, are you? You are!!! Whats on that disk?? Is that DOS? Youre installing DOS?!? Why would you install DOS when I am infinitely more powe …

C:

I hate:

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time … I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

When people say Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Fucing right! What good is a cake if you cant eat it?

When people say its always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after youve found it?

When people say while watching a film did you see that? No tosser, I paid £10 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucing floor.

People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didnt really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

When something is new and improved! Which is it? If its new, then there has never been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

When people say life is short. What the fuck? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucing does! What can you do thats longer?

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks Has the bus come yet? If the bus had come would I be standing here, Knobhead?