How do you get a blond out of a tree? Wave
How do you drown a blond? Stick a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the toliet and tell her to sniff.
What is the diference between a blond and a mosquito? A mosquito knows when to stop sucking.
When can you tell witch cars a blonds car? The stick shift is wet.
There once was a man who had a terrible love for baked beans. The problem was that everytime he ate them he got horrible gas.He met a wonderful woman and they fell in love. After dating for some time he asked her to marry him. She said yes but only under one condition, if he would stop eating beans. She couldnt stand the affect they made on him. Well, him loving her so much agreed.
A few years later on the mans birthday he was driving home from work early because his wife wanted to make a nice dinner for him. On his way home though the car broke down. So he called his wife from a pay phone and said he was going to be late. Well, on his way home he passed by a restaurant that was letting out the wonderful aroma of baked beans. He decided that if he had some he would be able to walk of the ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ended up ordering 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. So on his way home he was pooting and tooting the whole way there. By the time he got home he felt great and was pretty sure all the gas was gone. He walked into his house to be greeted by his wife who had a blind fold. She said she was going to blind fold him and bring him into the dining room, she had a surprise for him. After getting settled in the dining room the phone rang. His wife ran to get it. As his wife was on the phone he felt some urges coming on and decided he better let them go now while his wife was gone. So he lifted his leg up and RIIPPP. Yikes! And then he felt another one coming on, RIP! Well this one was even worse than the last, it was so bad it was hard for him to breathe after it. Then a third one came on…he could tell this was gonna be a big one! RIIPP! The windows shook, he was gagging for air, the flowers on the table died. Soon after that he heard the end of the phone conversation and his wife walked back into the room. After making him promise he had not peeked she took of his blind fold. To his shock and horr
Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.
Seen it all, done it all, cant remember most of it.
After months of silence, OJ finally spoke at the trial. His words to
Judge Ito were.. I did not,
could not and would not have committed this crime.
Seems with a little help from Dr. Suess and a bit more time, he and
Judge Ito could have
extended this statement:
Itos statements in ALL CAPS… OJs in lower case.
DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME?
DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSONS LIFE?
DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU LEAVE A POOL A BLOOD?
DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?
I did not leave a pool of blood.
I can not even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not, kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime.
I do not like green eggs and ham
I do not like them Sam I Am
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of
having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says, For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a
divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says, It is better to have a wife because the sense of security
lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says, You are both wrong. It is best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you are with the mistress and the mistress thinks you are
with your wife – you can do some mathematics.
Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, whats the matter?
The fellow replies, well Ive got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I cant tell them apart. I dont know if Im mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do.
Why dont you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?
The man stops crying and says, that sounds like a good idea, I think Ill try it.
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
Whats the matter now?
the bartender asks.
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I cant tell them apart again!
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, why dont you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!
The bartenter, now furious at the guys general stupidity, yells, for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one! The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
It worked, it worked! he exclaims.
I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!
Most all bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.
Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always willing to fix up unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom they describe as perfect for you.
However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these descriptive
phrases into plain English:
dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses
fine character:
Shes ugly
knows how to handle money:
Shes a spendthrift and great at spending yours
spotless reputation:
Shes ugly
strong family ties:
Shes a Mafia Princess
loves children:
Shes pregnant and needs a husband
wonderful personality:
Shes fat
great sense of humor:
Shes fat and will laugh at anything you say
the outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys
ready to settle down:
Shes thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry
likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot
lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself
mature woman:
Shes at least thirty, but looks at least forty-five
has the appearance of a young school girl:
Shes at least thirty-three, but dresses like a teenager
casual:
She dresses like a slob
decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty
a great dancer:
Shell wear the soles right off your shoes
not overly emotional:
She only cries twenty-seven times a day
doesnt chase men:
Shes more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type
seldom dates:
Shes a lesbian who needs a male escort for something
understands men:
Shes been married and divorced four times
a good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table
looks and dresses like a model:
Shes five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds
been in show business:
Shes a former porn movie star
traveled a lot:
Shes searched high and low for a husband
knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her
wonderful disposition:
Shes ugly
Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? A: Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.