Robin, get in the car.
12
May
12
May
Men, Women, and Dogs (New Show)
All we had at time of press is that this series will star former MTV VJ Bill Bellamy. It is unclear whether he will portray a man, woman or dog.
Smallville (New Show)
Tom Welling was cast as Clark Kent based on the strength of his performance in CBSs Judging Amy. The fact that Tom possesses the powers of flight, heat vision and freeze breath had nothing to do with it.
The Young Plastic Man Chronicles (New Show)
The stretchy comic-book hero gets his own prequel show following Smallville. Young Plas grapples with the trials of adolescence and having a penis that stretches to infinite lengths.
Off Centre (New Show)
This humourous comedy deals with the lives of colourful British football centres with day jobs: one drives a lorry, the other operates a lift. In the pilot episode they go on holiday but end up in hospital.
Elimidate Deluxe (New Show)
An upgrade from the wonderful but far too buggy original Elimidate, the new deluxe edition promises a collectible tin, a polybagged, sealed CD-ROM jewelbox with a hologram cover, a cloth map of Middle Earth suitable for framing or using as a placemat, some foam peanuts and the latest version of Elimidate, now at v5.23a. Preorder yours now!
Raising Dad (New Show)
Bob Saget watches re-runs of Charmed. So really, its only raising specific parts of dad.
Reba (New Show)
Reba McEntire stars as Bette Midler in a show that chronicles the making of last seasons sitcom Bette. For those who found Midlers portrayal of herself narcissistic and/or creepy, McEntires homespun southern charm should provide the Midler character some much-needed humanity.
Maybe Its Me (New Show)
Well, I just showered, so it probably is you.
Charmed
Rose McGowan joins the cast of this show about incredibly hot women who do stuff. They wear tight pants while people try to stop them from doing stuff, and then some things happen which cause them to bend and sometimes sweat. Then they do the stuff they were going to do before and continue to wear tight pants. The occult is involved somehow. This is the best show on television.
Felicity
Now a college senior, Felicity takes a break from exploring the vagaries of love to go on a series of humiliating job interviews, sleep too much, drink warm Jim Beam at noon, wear the same stained sweatpants day in and day out, mull over law school applications and listen to her fathers warnings that shell have to get off the money train come May, missy.
7th Heaven
Hey, you wanna talk about 7th heaven? Just throw me a jar of Astroglide and the cast of Charmed. Rrrowwrrrrr!
Angel
Angels are beautiful protectors. They have wings that wrap around your heart and flowing gowns that shimmer when they fly. Sometimes an angel will appear as a butterfly or sunny day or warm thought. Sometimes they consume the blood of others to survive.
Popstars 2
1st Network Executive: Hey, last year we created an all-female singing group.
2nd Network Executive: You know whatd be different — a co-ed singing group!
3rd Network Executive: And you know what? We can let them write their own songs.
[Network Execs 1 and 2 rip off 3rd Network Execs mask, revealing him to be hippie commie freak.]
Nikki
A new running joke this season has Nikki constantly falling into vats of maple syrup, then shouting, Im sticky! Im Nikki! Not as hot as Charmed but getting there.
Sabrina The Teenage Witch
In a hilarious fantasy episode, Sabrina is transported back to Salem, Massachusetts in 1692, where she is hanged.
Gilmour Girls
This documentary covers a year in the life of David Gilmours groupies. Watch as they start fights with fans of Roger Waters, attempt to pick out Gilmours guitar work on assorted Paul McCartney albums, and tweeze each others eyebrows.
Richard Dawsons Creek
Fill in your own punchline. This writes itself, people.
The Steve Harvey Show
Hi! How are you? Steve Harvey sends you this file in order to have your advice.
Copyright 2001 Modern Humorist, Inc.
11
May
Youre afraid of the liberal media.
11
May
A note left for a pianist from his wifeGone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.
11
May
Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
11
May
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
11
May
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
11
May
God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians. What commandments do you offer? they said.
He answered, Thou shalt not murder.
They answered Sorry, we are not interested.
Next he offered it to the Romanians. What commandments do you offer? they said.
He answered, Thou shalt not steal.
They answered, Sorry, we are not interested.
Next he offered them to the French. What commandments do you offer? they asked.
Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife.
Sorry we are not interested, they answered.
Finally he approached the Jews.
How much? they asked.
Its free, he answered. Well take ten of them!
10
May
Un tipo fue a la casa de su novia para conocer a sus suegros y pedir la mano de su hija en matrimonio.
El tipo llegó, tocó a la puerta y lo atendió el suegro.
Buenas noches, yo soy el novio de su hija… y bueno… venÃa a hablar con usted porque deseo casarme con su hija y… este… usted sabe, necesito de su permiso.
El suegro le respondió: Muy bien, pase adelante. Se sentaron y el suegro le preguntó: Bueno, ¿Y con qué tipo de base económica piensa usted sustentar a la nueva familia?
Este… bueno, yo ya soy graduado como ingeniero pero no gano mucho. Sin embargo, como yo tengo conocimiento de que usted y su esposa trabajan y ganan buenos sueldos,… bueno… yo pensaba que de ahà podrÃamos pagarnos el teléfono, la luz, la comida, etc. Usted sabe ¿No?
El suegro lo miro medio raro y le pregunto: Y dÃgame ¿Dónde piensan vivir cuando se casen? Supongo que usted ya habrá alquilado un departamento o comprado una casa.
El tipo contesto: No exactamente… yo pensaba que bueno… los primeros años de matrimonio, su hija y yo podrÃamos vivir aquÃ, total esta casa es grande y además yo con lo que gano no puedo comprar ahora un apartamento… y mucho menos una casa.
El suegro lo miró molesto y le pregunto: DÃgame ¿Y usted tiene carro propio? Porque tener carro es muy importante.
No. Pero como usted tiene tres carros y solo usa dos… bueno… yo pensaba que podrÃa usar uno de esos hasta que pueda comprarme uno propio.
El suegro ya estaba a punto de explotar y más a medida que el tipo le seguÃa contestando con la misma frescura. En esto entró la suegra y el esposo dijo:
Querida, menos mal que llegaste. Te presento al novio de nuestra hija: El señor gallina.
El tipo lo miró desconcertado y exclamó:
Un momento señor. ¿Cómo es eso de El señor gallina?
Bueno pendejo y ¿cómo quieres que te llame? si hasta ahora lo único que vas a poner son los huevos!!!
10
May
Un hombre se acerca al consultorio de un doctor para ver que le recetaba para la calvicie y el médico le dice que ha desarrollado un nuevo metodo para combatir la calvicie. El hombre muy interesado le pregunta que cual es y el doctor le contesta que para que le salgan pelos en la cabeza tiene que restregarla en los genitales de una mujer.
El hombre, no muy convencido, acepta someterse al tratamiento, pero antes de irse nota que el medico también era clavo y muy enojado le dice al médico:
Usted me quiere engañar, me está recetando un remedio para la calvicie y usted es también calvo. ¿Cómo voy a confiar en su tratamiento?
Y el médico le responde:
Un momento, es cierto que soy calvo, ¡pero mire qué barba de candado!