Old and New Jokes

Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFKs assassination?
A: He couldnt have been shot in the temple! Were not Jewish!

The men of Charlie Company had been in the field for two weeks when the Sarge announces, Ive got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today were going to change our underwear. The troops start cheering wildly. Now the bad news, continues the Sarge. Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy . . .

Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become American citizens, and Americanize their names.

So…

Bu, called himself Buck,

Chu called himself Chuck,

but Fu decided to return to China…

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said Im sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions arent ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.

Great! said the first guy, I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!

No problem, replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. And what do you want to be, St. Peter asked the other guy.

Id like to be one cool stud! was the reply.

Easy, replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. Youll find them easily, he says, One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

Youll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.

No, no no! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. Ive been trying to do that for years!

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher hed found a cat.

She asked if it was dead or alive.



Dead, she was informed.



How do you know?, she asked.



Because I pissed in his ear and it didnt move, said the child innocently.



You did WHAT?!?, the teacher squealed in surprise.



You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went pssst and he didnt move.

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, Is it true that if you pull your finger out, Ill sink ?

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, Have you ever been arrested? he wrote, No.

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was Why?

The applicant answered it anyway: Never got caught.