Old and New Jokes

How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1.99904274017, but thats close enough for non-technical people.

Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own.

Stamps are female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them away.

Windows are male because theyre a pane, and because you can see through them.

Shit is male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon, to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her. She started to guess what was inside. Chocolates? she asked.

Nope.

A Cake? Johnny shook his head No. Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth, then said, Ah, I know-dill pickles.

No, Johnny said, its a puppy.

The little girl was SO proud of her Christmas presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.

The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girls mother had said, If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, Im going to send you to your room for the rest of the day.

The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume: If you hear anything or smell anything … its me!

WOMBAT:
Stands for Waste of Money, Brains and Time. Suitable for describing a person, product or project.
Code 18:
An error made by the user. Refers to the 18 inches that separate a users face from the computer display.
Lasagna Syndrome:
Writing a piece of software with so many overlapping dialog boxes that its nearly impossible to complete a task.
Nerd Bird:
Any weekday direct airline flight between another U.S. city and San Jose, California. These flights are typically over-populated with engineers and technical types, so a good amount of job seeking and rumor-milling occurs during each run.
Waldo:
A demo given with great showmanship for a product with little innovation or creativity.
Booth Bunny:
The attractive women staffing the booths at tradeshows that do not work for the main company represented and have no technical knowledge whatsoever.
Triority:
The three things your manager would have you do at once.
I/O Error:
Error cause by an Ignorant Operator. A technical support term to label such operator in conversation.
Team Player:
An engineer with no backbone who says yes to everything. Can also mean someone who gets in early and makes coffee for everyone else. The latter definition is definitely more desirable.
Meeting Engineer:
A person who spends more time in meetings than doing actual work. Those who fall into this category usually have dated technical skills and tend to complain about how they never have time to get any work done since theyre in meetings all the time.
Think Time:
This is what operators make use of when they get an idle event. This most normally occurs during a long compile or a slow network connection.

And My Favourite Silicon Valley Slang Term …

Sneakernet:
When data is transferred between workstations by copying it to a floppy and walking it to the intended workstation instead of using the LAN.

Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didnt have the right consistency. One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named Yewin.

The other man argued adamantly. No, No, No! Its not wetter Yewin that counts… its how you ply the gum!

The perfect man is gentle,
And never cruel or mean.
He has a perfect smile,
And is always neat and clean.The Perfect Man likes children,
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a caring father,
And good husband to his bride.The Perfect Man loves cooking,
He will clean and vacuum too.
Hell do whats in his power
To show his deep-felt love for you.The Perfect Man is sweet,
Writing poems with your name;
Hes a best friend to your mother,
And will kiss away your pain.He never has made you cry
Or caused you hurt in any way.
To hell with this endless poem and rhyme,
The Perfect Man is gay.

REDMOND, Wash. — April 1, 1995 — Microsoft today announced the release
of Joe-Bob(tm), a new software package that the company hopes will open up
a huge untapped computer market. With the motto The software for the rest
of yall(tm), Joe-Bob reaches out to the same demographic group that buys
4x4s, supports the gun lobby, and drinks Miller Lite.
Computers have been commonly seen as for leftists and intellectuals,
explains Microsoft spokesperson Willy Maclean, but weve recently seen
people like Newt Gingrinch embracing new technology — the time is right
for the rest of America to get wired!
Instead of a desktop or office metaphor, Joe-Bob(tm) puts the user in a
garage. Click on the Lynyrd Skynyrd tapes, and get a complete music library
in digital stereo. Click on the pinups, and get hooked up to the Internets
hottest gifs, the promotional materials explain.
The package does not include a word processor or spreadsheet, but does have
software that keeps track of the football season, lists the best roadhouses
between Florida and Nevada, and can even order spareribs and beer at the
click of a mouse.
This is righteous software, man, says beta-tester Billy Grugg. It thinks
like I think. Brad Cunningham agrees: I take it everywhere, he says,
pointing to a Pentium laptop racked under his 12-gauge in his pickup truck.
Microsoft is offering desktop users a special clip-on beer holder for their
monitors.
Look at whats popular out there, says Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates.
Four of the top-10 Usenet newsgroups are about sex, and splatter video
games like Doom and Mortal Kombat are bestsellers. Were just catering to
a demand, thats all.
Microsoft is reportedly distributing badges and bumper stickers saying
things like Go Microsoft — Go Intel — Go America, and QuickTime is
for Pinko Hippie Wimps.

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents.

He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.

The problem developed into one of acute flatulence and halfway through canapés the young man realized that he couldnt hold it in one second longer without exploding.

A tiny fart escaped.
Spot, called out the young womans mother to the family dog lying at the young mans feet.

Relieved at the dog getting the blame, the young man let another slightly larger one go.

Spot, she cried out sharply.

Ive got it made, thought the fellow to himself. One more and Ill be fine. So he let loose a really big one.

Spot, shrieked the mother, get over here before he shits on you.

Knock, knock

Whos there?



Andy.



Andy who?



And He just bit me again.