A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, thats a really fancy watch.”
“Thanks, says the guy, “Its the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and itll answer me, telepathically.”
“Rubbish, youre having me on,” says the girl.
“No, its true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, Ill prove it. Ill ask it if youve got any panties on.” The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you havent got any panties on.”
“Well, its wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”
”Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “its an hour fast!”
McDonnell Douglas
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES
Important! Important!
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other
First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________
Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________
Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc._________________
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified
3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________
4. Serial Number____________________
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_ McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:
Product Own Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:
_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Travelers Check
12. Occupation You Your Spouse
Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student
13. To help us understand our Customers lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction
Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
MCDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
Youve been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
Q: How many Presidential family members does it take to screw in a light bulb in the White House?
A: Two, Hillary for her office, Bill for the rest of the White House.
Programmers Sayings…
BASIC – A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. — Anon.
I speak BASIC to clients, 1-2-3 to management, and mumble to myself. — Anon.
If youre masochistic enough to program in ADA, were not going to stop you. — Matt Welsh
Dont get suckered in by the comments … they can terribly be misleading. — Dave Storer
If we can dispel the delusion that learning about computers should be an activity of fiddling with array indexes and worrying whether X is an integer or a real number, we can begin to focus on programming as a source of ideas. — Harold Abelson
Optimization hinders evolution. — Anon.
Programming graphics in X is like finding the square root of PI using Roman numerals. — Henry Spencer
The best book on programming for the layman is Alice in Wonderland; but thats because its the best book on anything for layman. — Anon.
The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone is responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be created in the form of computer programs. — Joseph Weizenbaum
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. — Bjarne Stroustrup
He who hasnt hacked assemply language as a youth has no heart. He who does as an adult has no brain. — John Moore
Pascal keeps your hand tied. C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. — Anon.
Perl – The only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption. — Keith Bostic
A program is a spell cast over a computer, turning input into error messages. — Anon.
Real programmers are those that can sleep in front of terminals … with their eyes opened. — ricS
Real programmers can write assembly code in any language. — Larry Wall
Real programmers dont work from 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9am its because they were up all night. — Anon.
Real programmers dont write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who cant decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. — Anon.
There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult. — C.A.R. Hoare
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked. — John Gall
A crash is when your competitors program dies. When your program dies, it is an idiosyncrasy. Frequently, crashes are followed with a message like ID 02. ID is an abbreviation for idiosyncrasy and the number that follows indicates how many more months of testing the product should have had. — Guy Kawasaki
There are two ways to write error-fre
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices
a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off
the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.The girl is wearing a fire fighters helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog
and cat.The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice
fire truck, the fire fighter says with admiration.Thanks, the girl says.The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to the dogs collar and to the cats testicles. Little Partner the
fire fighter says, I dont want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but
if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go
faster.The little girl replied, Youre probably right, but then I wouldnt have a
siren.
A Japanese man went to the eye doctor. The optometrist said to the
man, Sir, I believe you have a cataract. Oh, no replied the
Japanese man. I dwive a Rincon Continentaw.
What does a man and a floor have in common?
You lay them right the first time you can walk all over them forever!!
There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest…Napoleon
Condition that enables a woman
who has gone through labor to make love again.