Old and New Jokes

There were two guys out ice fishing. One guy had been sitting for several hours with no catch at all. Finally, he looked over at the other guy.

The other guy would put his line in, a fish would jump on, hed pull the fish out, and then put it in the bucket. The guy was pulling fish in at a rate of about one every thirty seconds.

The guy with bad luck went over to the other guy and asked, Hey buddy, how are you managing to catch all those fish?

The other guy replied, MMMMMMNNNNNNNPPPHH!.

Say again, buddy?

MMMMMMNNNNNNNPPPHH!.

One more time, I didnt catch that.

The other guy then spit something into his hand and said, You gotta keep the worms warm!

• Man who run in front of car get tired.
• Man who run behind car get exhausted.
• Two wrongs not make a right – Three lefts do.
• Passionate kiss like spiders web – soon lead to undoing of fly.
• Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.
• Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
• Man with one chopstick go hungry.
• Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
• Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!
• Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
• War doesnt determine whos right. War determines whos left.
• Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
• Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.
• Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!
• Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!
• Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!
• Man who sit on tack get point!
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!
• Man who lives in glass house should change in basement.
• He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
• Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beattys address book. The
letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and
your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and
continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any
letter you write is letterhead.
You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.
You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you cant because
there isnt one typewriter in your house – only computers with laser printers.
You think of the gadgets in your office as friends, but you forget to send
your father a birthday card.
You disdain people who use low baud rates.
When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers – and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty
minutes answering the customers questions, while the salesperson stands by
silently, nodding his head.
You use the phrase digital compression in a conversation without thinking
how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
digital compression. Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not
surprised or disappointed that you dont have to explain it.
You know Bill Gates e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social
security number.
You stop saying phone number and replace it with voice number, since we
all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions
that talk to other contraptions.
You sign Christmas cards by putting 🙂 next to your signature.
Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that
are far more clever than 🙂
You back up your data every day.
Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.
You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster
than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
mind.
You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perots phrase electronic town
hall makes more sense than the term information superhighway, but you dont
because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in
advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up
the street names.
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something,
but you think its okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing
buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is
selling.
You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter- and
three-and-a-half-inch sizes.
Al Gore strikes you as an intriguing fellow.
You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they
are.
While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say
I dont know when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling
compelled to make something up.
You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.
You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better — the track ball or the track pad.
You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology
has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a
tree and write a haiku. And dont use a laptop.
You email this message to your friends over the net. Youd never get around
to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you
have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

jesus:hon its too bad that you somehow wasted your time on earth ,what happened?


hon:my lord it was all because of satan.


jesus:who and where is satan?


hon:pointing on the one looking evil and was really satan.there he is!


satan:stood up and said;my lord im not satan , im stainley.

Picture yourself near a gurgling mountain stream.

Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.

The soothing sound of the gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head youre holding under the water.

Look. Its the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise. You let them up … just for quick breath … then plop! Back under they go …

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now … feeling better?

1. No matter how hard you try, you cant baptise cats.

2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, dont let her brush your hair.



3. If your sister hits you, dont hit her back. They always catch the second person.



4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.



5. You cant trust dogs to watch your food.



6. Dont sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.



7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.



8. You cant hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.



9. Dont wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.



10. The best place to be when youre sad is Grandpas lap.

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.

Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 – b^2 = ab – b^2
(a + b)(a – b) = b(a – b)
a + b = b
a = 0

Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

Written by a Viet Nam Vet

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

In Memory of The Twin Towers

Warning song to Osama bin Laden

(the tune of Rawhide)

The devil came from nowhere

He attacked us from the sky.

He bloodied up our nation

didnt give a reason why.

Now hes placed a spear in our eye

said its done it Allahs name

So Gods coming lookin for him

And hes got himself to blame.

No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.

You defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Just go hidin in your hills

Youll be buried in your caves.

Youll get what youve got comin now

For being Satans slaves.

Youve woke the sleeping giant

From his legendary sleep

Now with open roar like lions

Theres one promise he will keep

No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.

Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

So dont close your eyes a moment

Cause you surely see death there.

Dont waste your time in moanin

You just havent got a prayer.

You chose to terrify the world

with your sensely killing spree

Brought violence into our lives

Placed hate inside of me.

No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.

Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

In this peaceful loving Nation

Home of brave and of the free

All are calling up your number

over land and over sea

We have seen the vileness in your soul

the horrors you create

Now this angry nations coming

look around were at your gate

No more runnin, no more hiding, theres no place for you to go

For the wrath of God is coming and he isnt movin slow.

Youve defiled the love of all mankind without a single thought

And the world is coming for you now with everything its got.

Yes this world is coming for you now (Pause) with everything its got.

…when he stumbles Upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, “Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so much better!” The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, “Elephant my
friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you’ll see, you’ll feel so good!” The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up… “Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!” The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, “Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!” The lion answers, “That little bastard makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he’s on ecstasy!”

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more? Doctor: Sell!