Old and New Jokes

How do you know if youre in love, lust, or marriage?

Love When your eyes
meet across a crowded room.
Lust When your tongues meet
across a crowded room.
Marriage When your belt wont
meet around your waist, and you dont care.

Love When intercourse
is called making love.
LustAll other times.
Marriage Whats
intercourse?

Love When you argue
over how many children to have.
Lust When you argue over who
gets the wet spot.
Marriage When you argue over
money.

Love When you share
everything you own.
Lust When you think twice about
giving your partner bus money.
Marriage When the bank owns
everything.

Love When it doesnt
matter if you dont climax.
Lust When the relationship is
over if you dont climax.
MarriageWhats a
climax?

Love When you phone
each other just to say Hello.
Lust When you phone each other
just to organize sex.
Marriage When you phone each
other to find out what time your sons game starts.

Love When you write
poems about your partner.
Lust When all you write is your
phone number.
Marriage When all you write are
checks.

Love When you show
concern for your partners feelings.
Lust When you couldnt give a
shit.
Marriage When your only concern
is whats on TV.

Love When your
farewell is I love you darling.
Lust When your farewell is So,
same time next week?
Marriage When your farewell is
silent.

Love When you are
proud to be seen in public with your partner.
Lust When you only ever see
each other in the bedroom.
Marriage When you never see
each other awake.

Love When your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love When nobody else
matters.
Lust When nobody else
knows.
Marriage When everybody else
matters and you dont care who knows.

Love When all the
songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust When its just the same
mushy old shit.
Marriage When you never listen
to music.

Love When breaking up
is something you try not to think about.
Lust When staying together is
something you try not to think about.
Marriage When just getting
through today is your only thought.

LoveWhen youre
interested in everything your partner does.
LustWhen youre only
interested in one thing.
MarriageWhen youre not
interested in what your partner does and the one thing youre
interested in is your golf score

If its true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

A: To the retail store.

You cut a hole in the ice and line the hole with peas. When the polar
bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

(This is from rrm!waynef, he sent it to me…)

Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was busted for drug smuggling at the airport?

Seems she bent over and someone saw fifty pounds of crack…

Bill Kennedy …{cbosgd,rutgers,ihnp4!petro}!ssbn!bill or bill@ssbn.WLK.COM

Mrs Jones sat nervously before the psychiatrist and said I caught my son and the girl next door examining each other with their pants down.

Thats not so unusual, said the psychiatrist, children often do that, I wouldnt get too upset about it.

Im already upset about it said the woman, and so is my sons wife!

The redhead says to the blonde darn….my husband brought me some flowers home last night. Now I am going to have to keep my legs in the air all weekend. The blonde replies Why….dont you have a vase?

A: Because they can spell it.

Before I tell this story, I want to be sure that everyone knows that coprolalia (uncontrollable obscenities) affects only about 20% of the Tourette population. Most people only have the tics and/or obsessive compulsive behaviors.

A friend of mine who has Tourette with coprolalia was telling me how embarassing it can be to live in a big city with this disorder. She has a tic which she calls her nigger tic. One of her close friends is a black woman, and some of us think that her tics come from that relationship. All of us wonder sometimes how she manages to stay alive.

She had gone to the bank one day before ATMs to get money for her vacation. Unluckily, she managed to get in line behind a tall black man who was obviously a body builder. He was wearing a neon purple sweater with no sleeves, and my friend knew right then she may be in trouble.

Her tics began with repeating the word purple under her breath, but with the stress of waiting in a long line, they began to get louder and louder.

Then, as she feared, the nigger tic began. By the time the man in front of her reached the front of the line, she was regularly sputtering out purple … nigger … purple … nigger

The man turnedaround to look at her, and she thought for sure he would kill her. Instead, he said Maam, youve definitely got a problem if you think niggers are purple.

I apologize if some of you found this language offensive. One of the facts about coprolalia is that you say the worst things you can manage without wanting to. Most people dont even really feel the things they say. None of the language here reflects the views of my friend or the author.

Yo mama so short she can play handball on the curb.