Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you get when a blonde and a gang member have a kid?

A: A juvenile delinquent that sprays grafitti on chain-link fences.

1. Instead of scanning barcode on book at checkout, seductively licks the inside cover.
2. Flashes patrons and yells, Hey! Check THIS out!
3. No matter what book you ask for, she hands you the book Libraries for Dummies.
4. When you ask for an appendix, (s)he winks suggestively and shows you (his)her scar.
5. Replaces the overdue book fine with canings from the Rod of Literary Tardiness.
6. Always doing donuts with the bookmobile in the parking lot.
7. Inserts revealing photos of him/herself in copies of Grays Anatomy.
8. Uses the Dewers Decimal System, which involves regular belts of scotch.
9. Instead of a simple Shhhh, uses a bullhorn to say, One more sound and Im calling the cops!

How do you put six elephants in a Volkswagen?

…Three in front and three in back…

Whats black and white and red all over? Mimes in a chainsaw fight.

This man walks into a Gay Bar not knowing its a gay bar and sits down at a table some gay guy walks up to him and says Wanna play football

The man says okay and thay go behind the bar the gay guy says alright a burp is a touch down and a fart is a field goal.

So the man says Im goin for the feild goal and the gay guy gets a small grin on his face, the man bends over and is about to fart and the gay guy butt f***s him the man goes what the hell why you do that.

The gay guy says I was trying to block your field goal.

Un muchacho se llamaba Pascual Arroyo y estaba en la escuela. La maestra siempre llamaba a los estudiantes para que dijeran ¡Presente!, y cuando la maestra decía: Pascual Arroyo, él contestaba: Me pica el jollo.

Llegaba el otro día y él volvía a decir me pica el jollo, y a la maestra le molestaba mucho.

Un día a la maestra se le ocurrió decir el nombre al revés, y llega el día de clase y la maestra dice:

¡Arroyo Pascual!

Y él le contesta:

¡Me pica igual!

I will get it done when I get it done!

Our present business is not to exchange compliments but arguments. – Robert Boyle, 17th century chemist

Time wounds all heals.

“What’s wrong?” asks the boss.“I’m sick,” the guy replies.“You sound all right.”“No, I’m really sick. Believe me.”“Listen, you were fine yesterday, and we have a lot of work today. I want you in here. You can’t be that sick!”“Dude, I just banged my sister. Don’t tell me I’m not sick.”