Papá, le pregunta Pepito a su padre, ¿Cómo es Dios?, porque algunos dicen que es varón, algunos que es hembra, otros dicen que es blanco, otros que es negro, ¿cómo es?
El padre le responde:
Dios no es hombre, ni mujer, ni es blanco, ni es negro.
¡Ay, papi! ¿Entonces Dios es Michael Jackson?
Un septuagenario llega al hospital convulsionándose en una camilla; los enfermeros, corriendo, le gritan al médico de guardia:
¡Doctor, doctor es urgente!
El médico, impresionado por la escena, pregunta:
¿Qué le sucede al anciano?
Uno de los enfermeros responde:
Se tomó todo un frasco de Viagra.
El facultativo se alarma y ordena:
Viene intoxicado, necesita un lavado estomacal urgente.
No, trae quemaduras de tercer grado, asegura el enfermero.
¿Dónde?, pregunta extrañado el galeno.
¡En la mano!
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasnt at work anymore!
A man took his young son to the bank with him to transact some business. Since it was lunchtime, there were a lot of people waiting their turn in the cattle chutes. They took their place in line directly behind a woman who was the epitome of corporate fashion.
She was wearing a designer executive business suit, and carrying an expensive leather brief case with a matching shoulder bag that had a pager clipped to it.
After several minutes in line, the boy remarked Dad, that woman has the biggest thighs I have ever seen
Sshh. You shouldnt talk about people like that. You will hurt their feelings.
After several more minutes, the boy again remarked Dad, that woman has the biggest butt I have ever seen
I said not to talk about people like that. Just be quiet and it will be our turn shortly.
Just as he finished speaking, the womans pager went off. beep .. beep .. beep .. beep
LOOK OUT DAD, SHES BACKING UP!!!
(Visual Joke)
Q: What did the blonde say when she tried driving stick for the first time?
A: How do you shift this thing? (you make jacking off motions)
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a supermarket cart?
A: The supermarket cart has a mind of its own.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesnt want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, I spat in this beer, do not drink!. After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, So did I!
ArteryThe study of paintings.
BenignWhat you be after you be eight.
BacteriaBack door to cafeteria.
BariumWhat doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean SectionA neighborhood in Rome.
CatscanSearching for Kitty.
CauterizeMade eye contact with her.
ColicA sheep dog.
ComaA punctuation mark.
D&CWhere Washington is.
DilateTo live long.
EnemaNot a friend.
FesterQuicker than someone else.
FibulaA small lie.
GenitalNon-Jewish person.
G.I.SeriesWorld Series of military baseball.
HangnailWhat you hang your coat on.
ImpotentDistinguished, well known.
Labor PainGetting hurt at work.
Medical StaffA Doctors cane.
MorbidA higher offer than I bid.
NitratesCheaper than day rates.
NodeI knew it.
OutpatientA person who has fainted.
Pap SmearA fatherhood test.
PelvisSecond cousin to Elvis.
Post OperativeA letter carrier.
Recovery RoomPlace to do upholstery.
RectumDarn near killed him.
SecretionHiding something.
SeizureRoman emperor.
TabletA small table.
Terminal IllnessGetting sick at the airport.
TumorMore than one.
UrineOpposite of youre out.
VaricoseNear by.
New Miracle Diet!
Flabby people are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you dont get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you dont get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem? Or is there a slim hope?
Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught parents, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor … otherwise you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast – One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch – Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner – A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of stale beer. Bedtime Snack – Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO Breakfast – Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch – Half a tube of Pulsating Pink lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not smoked). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack – Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner – A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
DAY THREE Breakfast – Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch – Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner – Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
FINAL DAY Breakfast – A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch – Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner – A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.
So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep? Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.
Thats very interesting, replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.
So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?
Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.
Thats very interesting, replies the researcher. Thats how they do it in Cornwall too. And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny.
So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?
Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.
Over your shoulders? replies the researcher. Dont you put them over a wall like everyone else?
What? says the farmer. And miss out on all the kissing?!