Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but thats close enough for non-technical people.

Note: This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under certain circumstances during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the end, thus reducing the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few months but didnt admit to it until users found out about it and made it public. Now they downplay the severity of the bug by saying that it reduces the accuracy only very little and that it occurs only very rarely. In one statement they said that only theoretical mathematicians will ever notice it and that non-technical people will not suffer from it.)

Alabama
Literacy aint everything

Ya want fries with dat?

Alaska
Come, freeze your butt off

Arizona
Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds

Arkansas
At least were not Mississippi

California
The Granola State

Nobodys actually from here

Fast reloading lanes available

The really long state

Colorado
Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here

Official home of the winter ski bunny

Connecticut
Way too close to New York

Delaware
Youll need a map to find us

So close to Washington you can smell it

Florida
The Gunshine State

Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans go to die

Senior citizen discounts available

Come, enjoy the humidity

The snow capital of the US

Georgia
Home of the Rednecks

Gateway to Florida

Confederate money welcome

Hawaii
Sure, weve got Interstates… drive on over

Book em Danno

Tom Seleck, Jack Lord, Don Ho – Paradise!

Come, get lai-ed

Idaho
Aint nothing here

We dont care if you spell potato with an e

Land of a billion eyes

Illinois
Land of the voting dead

Gateway to Iowa

Indiana
Home of David Letterman

Iowa
Just east of Omaha

Its easy to spell

Kansas
Hayfever capital of the Midwest

Dole slept here

Theres no place like home

Ya want flat, we got flat

Kentucky
Tobacco is a vegetable

Were all related

Gateway to Nashville

Louisiana
Swim the beautiful Bayou

Cancer Alleys just a name, and names will never hurt you

Maine
For Sale

You can spit on Canada from here

Maryland
If it werent for Washington, you couldnt find us

Massachusetts
Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy,
hmmmm…

Michigan
Land of the free, home of the Buick

Minnesota
Not Sweden, but we try to act like it

Sure beats Canada

Mississippi
Were lucky we can spell it

Why would you want to come here?

Missouri
Gateway to Kansas

Heres mine, Show Me yours

Were better than Illinois

Montana
Land of the Big Sky, and very little else

Weve got lots of 10×10 shacks in the woods

Its where youre wanted.

At least our cows are sane.

Nebraska
More corn than Kansas

Go to Kansas, turn north

Nevada
More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)

2 words – Death Valley

3:5 youll leave broke

We have our own nuclear testing site

New Hampshire
Like Old Hampshire, only newer

About as exciting as Vermont

New Jersey
You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney…

Tell em Guido sent ya

New Mexico
Lizards make excellent pets

We have reservations

Alien Welcome Center – Roswell

New York
At least were not New Jersey!

Were more than a big city; were a state

Like we CARE about a motto

English spoken here; sometimes

North Carolina
Five million people; Fifteen last names

Were bigger than South Carolina

North Dakota
The OTHER South Dakota

Ohio
Dont judge us by Cleveland

Proud polluters of Lake Erie

Were easy to spell

Oklahoma
Were OK, youre NOT!

I dont think were in Kansas anymore, Toto

Oregon
As pretty as California but not as weird

Were not named after a musical instrument

You can see the sunset from here

Pennsylvania
Cook with coal

Free lub job with oil change

Rhode Island
Size aint everything

Nobody famous came from Rhode Island

South Carolina
Just south of North Carolina

South Dakota
Closer than North Dakota

Tennessee
The Educashun State

Thank goodness weve still got Elvis

A great fixer-upper

Texas
Si Hablo Ingles

See, everything is bigger in Texas!

Utah
Our Jesus is better than your Jesus

At least our sheep cant talk

Vermont
Bet ya cant name 2 of our towns

Virginia
Please dont confuse us with West Virginia!

Washington
We like our state, so STAY OUT!

West Virginia
Where family values has a different meaning

Wisconsin
Land of funny accents.

Say Cheeeese

Wyoming
Where men are lonely and sheep are scared

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Greta!
Greta who!
You Greta on my nerves!

You might be a redneck if your babys first words were, "Attention, K-mart shoppers."

You might be a redneck if…
You use your fishing license as a form of I.D.

Two women and their dogs were in a Vets waiting room (one blonde and one brunette). The brunette says to the blonde Thats a beautiful dog youve got there, whatre you bringing him in for?

The blonde replies Hes Xtremely horny, and whenever I bend over, he tries to fuck me!!!

The brunette says Xcitedly Thats why Im here!

The blonde says oh, Youre getting him neutered too?

The brunette says Ha, no way, Im getting his toe-nails cut!

Whats the difference between Simba and O.J. Simpson?

Ones an African lion, and the others a lion African.

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode the stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and few of us realize the long-term harm caused by the pollutants in our drinking water.





But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?





A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, Wedding cake.

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back,
and instead of bleeding, he sings.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. Tim, you be first, she said. What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, Shes a doctor.

Thats wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Amie, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billys father said, Im actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?