Old and New Jokes

Un día dos jóvenes homosexuales fueron de visita al zoológico. Caminaban por todas las secciones del mismo cuando se encontraron con la jaula del gorila.

El gorila estaba sentado en una esquina de la jaula con una tremenda erección.

Me pregunto cómo se ha de sentir, suspira uno de los maricas.

Pues solamente hay una manera de saberlo, y esa es tocándolo, le responde el otro.

El primer joto mete la mano dentro de la jaula, y palpa los genitales del gorila.

Antes de que éste pudiera retirar la mano, el gorila lo agarra y lo mete a la jaula, le rasga las ropas, lo pone contra el piso, le brinca encima y lo viola hasta que casi lo mata.

Tres días después, el joto despierta en una cama de hospital. Una enfermera entra y le informa que tiene un visitante. Todo adolorido, abre los ojos y ve a su amigo, quien se acerca con cara de preocupación, preguntándole:

¿Estás herido?

El moribundo profiere:

¿Herido? ¿Herido? ¡Por supuesto que estoy herido! ¡Ese cabrón no me ha llamado ni me ha escrito!

If your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs, you might be a redneck.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Zsa Zsa!
Zsa Zsa who?
Zsa Zsa last Knock Knock

joke!

A Barber commited a crime, and had to go before a judge. Since it was his first time the Judge only gave him a community service in his own field.



He must give free hair cuts for one month, and every time a customer asks how much for the hair cut, he has to explain his crime, and that this is his community service.





Anyway, he was happy, because anything beats the jail.





first day he gave a hair cut to a Florist, the florist asked, how much at the end, he replied, oh nothing…….explained the Judges order.





Next day when he came to open the shop, there was a bouquet of flowers and a thankyou card.





That day a person came who owned a chocolate shop, after the hair cut he too asked, how much? the barber said oh no charge because…….. Judges order.





Next day when he came to open his shop, he saw a box of chocolate and a thankyou card, That day he gave a hair cut to an East Indian, The East Indian asked how mucH? The barber said nothing because…….. Judges Order.





next day when he came to open the shop there was a line of East Indians waiting to get a hair cut.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Franz!
Franz who?
Franz, Romans, Countryman…!

The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.

How to identify a Canadian driver:

1. – One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL

2. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO

3. – One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA

4. – Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO

5. – Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY

6. – One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER

7. – One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator, throwing McDonalds bag out the window: RED DEER

8. – Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE

9. – Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA

10. – One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scrapper in hand out front window scrapping frost, Guess Who on 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, You know, I just cant seem to get a tender Missionary. Ive baked them, Ive roasted them, Ive stewed them, Ive barbecued them, Ive tried every sort of marinade. Just cant seem to get them tender.

The second cannibal asks, What kind of Missionary do you use?

The reply, You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and theyre sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.

Ah, Ha! the second cannibal replies, No wonder – those are fryers!

Un día, una anciana pasa por una fila de prostitutas que están haciendo cola para control médico. La viejita le pregunta a la última furcia que está parada en la cola:

Hijita, ¿para qué es esta fila?

La mujerzuela, burlándose, le dice:

Lo que pasa, señora, es que allí adelante están regalando caramelos.

Y entonces, la viejita, como le gustaban mucho los dulces, se para en la fila. Cuando llega a la ventanilla la enfermera se queda asombrada y le pregunta:

¿Señora, usted tan viejita y todavía?

Si hijita, viejita ¡pero todavía chupo!