Old and New Jokes

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctors office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

On a woman, the doctor said, your heart would be just below your left breast.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and the u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
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Heard from Jay Leno on The Tonight Show:

Theyre filming Rocky V now. This ones being billed as Rockys Greatest
Challenge, so I guess theres an IQ test involved.

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want too! and I will answer it truthfully.

The husband replies, Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I havent had the courage to ask before… I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I cant figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, Yes, he did have a different father.

Her husband was taken aback. Oh! Okay… I must know. Please tell me. Who was that childs father?

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed and after a long silence she slowly said, YOU.

There was a job opening in the countrys most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.
Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. Its up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes ech aside and asks, Why did you become a lawyer? In seconds, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside. I dont understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that Id lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?

I said I became a lawyer because of my hands, Robert replies.

Your hands? What do you mean?

Well, I took a look one day and there wasnt any money in either of them!

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, The Jews have this


expression – Vus titzuch?

The President says, Hell, whats that mean?

Well, Mr. President, replies the CIA


chief, Its a Yiddish expression which roughly


translates to whats happening. They just ask


each other and they know everything.

The President decides to personally go undercover


to determine if this is true. He gets dressed up


as an Orthodox Jew (black hat, beard, long


black coat), and is secretly flown in an unmarked


plane to New York, picked up in an unmarked car


and dropped off in Brooklyns most Jewish


neighborhood. Soon a little old man comes


shuffling along. The President stops him and


whispers, Vus titzuch?

The old guy whispers back: Bush is in Brooklyn.

A man walked into a doctors office with his suit ripped and his arms and face bleeding. The nurse took one look at him and asked, Have an accident?

The man replied, No thanks, I already had one.

Manual práctico para entender el español de las mujeres

Si las mujeres dicen:

No = Sí.

Sí = No.

Tal vez = No, lo siento.

Pero… = Lo volveré a hacer igual.

Decide tú = Pero haz lo que digo yo.

Eres libre de hacer lo que quieras = Ni se te ocurra hacerlo.

Haz lo que quieras = Pero la pagarás muy caro.

No, no estoy molesta = ¡Imbécil! Por supuesto que estoy recontra molesta.

¿Te estás durmiendo? = ¡No te duermas!

Esta noche estás muy cariñoso = No tengo ganas de hacer el amor.

¿Estoy gorda? = Dime que estoy buenísima.

Quiero cambiar estas cortinitas =… Y las alfombras, y la pintura, y los muebles… pero con tu billete.

Es que esta cocina es tan chiquita = Quiero una casa nueva.

¿Me amas? = Te voy a pedir algo.

¿Qué tanto me amas? = ¡Y cuesta mucho dinero!

Necesitaríamos = Yo quiero.

Tenemos que hablar = Necesito quejarme de algo.

Creo que no nos comunicamos lo suficiente = Tienes que estar de acuerdo conmigo.

your momma so fat the omly thing stoping her from jenny kreig, is the door

Because he is still alive!