Old and New Jokes

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his
computer. They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing
all of the bickering.

Finally God said, Cool it, I am going to set up a test that will run two
hours and I will judge who does the better job. So, down sat Satan and
Jesus at their keyboards and they began to type away.

They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent
faxes.They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They
downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did
every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightening
suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of
course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on,
and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming Its gone! Its all gone! I lost everything when
the power went out!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the
past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. Wait! He cheated,
How did he do it?

God shrugged and said, Jesus saves.

When its you against the world, bet on the world.

Bad news drives good news out of the media.

Theres this blond and this brunette. And theyre in an elevator. And this hot guy walks into the elevator, and the women are like Woo-hoo, that guy is fine and Mmm…hes got a nice butt, and stuff like that.

Then they notice that he has dandruff.

When he gets off of the elevator, the women burst out laughing.

The brunette, giggles and says: Oh, man, someone should give him head and shoulders.

And the blond, confused, says: Really? Well, how do you give someone shoulders?

Ms. Nice Guy – Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldnt have

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday

Old Yeller – You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Cant you see youre making me miserable??

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

Advantages: Pays attention to you

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans

Sickly – Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious

The Bosser – Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Dont give me that look.

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?

Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – I just cant decide. Should I switch my career? goals?

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw cmon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed

Wild Woman out of Control – Lez get drunk an make love onna front lawn.

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs

Huffy – I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

Disadvantages: You will have no friends

Woman from Mars – I believe this dance will explain how I feel about you Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud

Ms. Dreamgirl – I am utterly content with you just the way you are

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times, I
have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often :

1. WE WILL WAKE THE CHILDREN…17 times
2. ITS TOO LATE…15 times
3. IM TOO TIRED…5 times
4. ITS TOO EARLY…52 times
5. ITS TOO HOT…15 times
6. PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP…49 times
7. THE NEIGHBOURS WILL HEAR…9 times
8. BACKACHE…2 times
9. HEADACHE…26 times
10. SUNBURNT…10 times
11. YOUR MOTHER WILL HEAR US…36 times
12. NOT IN THE MOOD…21 times
13. YOU WILL WAKE THE BABY…17 times
14. WATCHING THE LATE SHOW…7 times
15. TOO SORE…9 times
16. NEW HAIRDO…6 times
17. THE WRONG TIME OF THE MONTH…14 times
18. YOU HAD TO GO TO THE TOILET…19 times

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely
satisfactory,
because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a
crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with,
7 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished and once I was
afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND :

I think you have got things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you did not get more than you did :

1. CAME HOME DRUNK AND TRIED TO FUCK THE CAT…7 times
2. DID NOT COME HOME AT ALL…29 times
3. DID NOT COME…14 times
4. CAME TOO SOON…26 times
5. WENT SOFT BEFORE YOU GOT IN…18 times
6. TOES IN A CRAMP…9 times
7. WORKING TOO LATE…51 times
8. YOU HAD A RASH – PROBABLY FROM A TOILET SEAT…21 times
9. SOMEBODY KICKED YOU IN THE BALLS, IN A FIGHT…4 times
10. CAUGHT IT IN YOUR ZIPPER … 8 times
11. GOT A COLD, YOUR NOSE KEPT RUNNING…14 times
12. BREWERS DROP AND ALCO-LIMP…95 times
13. YOUR TEA WAS TOO HOT – BURNT TONGUE…8 times
14. YOU HAD A SPLINTER IN YOUR FINGER…4 times
15. LOST IT AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT ALL DAY…13 times
16. CAME IN YOUR PJs WHILE READING DIRTY BOOK…8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because
you missed, and were fucking the sheets. It wasnt talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was, would you prefer me on my back, or kneeling.

The times you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe.
However, six months ago, I phoned the A.A. for help, and their rep. has been
calling on me most afternoons.

101 Reasons why women prefer cucumbers to Men

1. The average cucumber is at least 6 inches long.

2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.

3. Cucumbers wont tell you size doesnt count.

4. Cucumbers dont get too excited.

5. Cucumbers never suffer from performance anxiety.

6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.

7. You can fondle a cucumber in a supermarket…. and you know how firm it is before you take it home.

8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.

9. With a cucumber you can get a single room…. and you wont have to check-in as Mrs. Cucumber.

10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.

11. You can go to a movie with a cucumber…. and see the movie.

12. You can go to a drive-in with a cucumber…. and you can stay in the front seat.

13. With a cucumber you can always wait until you get home.

14. A cucumber wont eat all the popcorn…. or send you out for Milk Duds.

15. A cucumber wont drag you to a John Wayne Film Festival.

16. A cucumber wont ask: Am I the first?.

17. A cucumber doesnt care if youre a virgin.

18. Cucumbers wont tell other cucumbers youre a virgin.

19. Cucumbers wont tell anyone youre not a virgin anymore.

20. With a cucumber you dont have to be a virgin more than once.

21. Cucumbers can handle rejection.

22. Cucumbers wont pout if you have a headache.

23. Cucumbers wont care what time of the month it is.

24. Cucumbers never want to get it on when your nails are wet.

25. Cucumbers wont give it up for Lent.

26. With a cucumber you never have to say youre sorry.

27. Afterwards, a cucumber wont: …want to shake hands and be friends.

28. …say, Ill call you a cab.

29. …tell you hes not the marrying kind.

30. …tell you he is the marrying kind.

31. …call his ex-wife or therapist.

32. …take you to confession.

33. Cucumbers dont leave you wondering for a month.

34. Cucumbers wont make you go to the drugstore.

35. Cucumbers wont tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.

36. A cucumber a day keeps the OB-GYN away.

37. A cucumber wont work your crossword with ink.

38. A cucumber isnt allergic to your cat.

39. With a cucumber you dont have to play Florence Nightingale during the Flu season.

40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.

41. A cucumber wont eat all your food or drink all your liquor.

42. A cucumber doesnt turn your bathroom into a library.

43. A cucumber wont go through your medicine chest.

44. A cucumber doesnt use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray.

45. Cucumbers wont leave hair on the sink or a ring in the tub.

46. Cucumbers wont write your name and number on the mens room wall.

47. Cucumbers dont have sex hangups.

48. Cucumbers wont make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.

49. Cucumbers arent into rope & leather, talking dirty, or swinging with fruits & nuts.

50. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.

51. You can eat cucumbers when you feel like it.

52. Cucumbers never need a round of applause.

53. Cucumbers wont ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you come? How many times?

54. Cucumbers arent jealous of your Gynecologist, Ski Instructor, or Hair Dresser.

55. A cucumber wont want to join your sports group.

56. A cucumber never wants to improve your mind.

57. Cucumbers arent into meaningful conversations.

58. Cucumbers wont ask about your Last Lover…. or speculate about your next one.

59. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.

60. A cucumber wont mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother is over.

61. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.

62. Cucumbers dont leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow.

63. A cucumber wont give you a hickey.

64. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night…. and you wont have to sleep on the wet spot.

65. Cucumbers dont leave dirty shorts on the floor.

66. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.

67. A cucumber doesnt flush the toilet while you are taking a shower.

68. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.

69. Cucumbers dont compare you to a center fold.

70. Cucumbers dont count to 10.

71. Cucumbers dont tell you they liked you better with long hair.

72. A cucumber will never leave you … …for another woman.

73. …for another man.

74. …for another cucumber.

75. A cucumber will never call and say I have to work late, Honey, and then come home smelling like another woman.

76. A cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a snuggy.

77. You always know where a cucumber has been.

78. A cucumber never has to call the wife.

79. Cucumbers never have mid-life crises.

80. A cucumber wont leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.

81. Cucumbers dont play the guitar and try to find themselves.

82. You wont find out later that your cucumber … …is married.

83. …is on penicillin.

84. …likes you – but loves your brother.

85. A cucumber doesnt have softball practice on the day you move.

86. Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R&R.

87. A cucumber wont ask for a promotion just when youre up for a promotion.

88. Cucumbers dont care if you make more money than they do.

89. Cucumbers wont wear a leisure suit to your office Christmas party.

90. A cucumber wont leave town on New Years Eve.

91. A cucumber wont take you to disco and dump you for a flashy outfit.

92. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.

93. A cucumber doesnt care if you always spent the holidays with your family.

94. A cucumber wont ask to be put through Med School.

95. A cucumber wont tell you hes outgrown you intellectually.

96. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.

97. Cucumbers dont say Lets keep trying until we have a boy.

98. A cucumber wont insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish, or Orthodox Vegetarian.

99. Its easy to drop a cucumber.

100. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything.

101. No matter how you slice it, you can have your cuke and eat it too.

He wanted an academic challenge!

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to buy the new one.

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.





One guy says to the other, Lets talk. I hear that the flight will go



faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.





The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off



his glasses and asks, What would you like to discuss?





The first guy says, Oh, I dont know; how about Nuclear Power?





The other guy says, OK, that could make for some pretty interesting



conversation. But let me ask you a question first:





A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes



pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is



that?





The first guy says, I dont know.





The other guy says, Oh? Well then, do you really think youre qualified



to discuss Nuclear Power when you dont know shit?