08
Nov

Keep on bashing economists

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota.

The woman asks: Will this cure my illness?

Answer of the doctor: No, but the half year will seem pretty long.

Two economists meet on the street. One inquires, Hows your wife?

The other responds, Relative to what?

I asked an economist for her phone number … and she gave me an estimate.

Two economists sit down to play chess. They study the board for 24 hours and declare a stale-mate.

08
Nov

Nagging Wife vs. Drunk Driver

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”
“Ive been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like youve had quite a few.”
“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought Id gone deaf.”

08
Nov

What the Doctor says and what he REALLY means

Pretty funny if you think about it…

What the Doctor saysWhat the Doctor REALLY means
This should be taken care of right away.Id planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
Well see.First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
Let me check your medical history.I want to see if youve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
Why dont we make another appointment later in the week.Im playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
I really cant recommend seeing a chiropractor.I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.

08
Nov

Onion Balls

While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the mans balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

Hows your sex life? the doctor asked.

Pretty good, the man said, to the doctors relief. But then he added, Ive had some strange side effects.

Whats that? the doctor asked anxiously.

Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!

07
Nov

Types of computer viruses

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

07
Nov

Twas the Night before Finals

Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would get their brains thinking.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldnt study.

Some pizza might help,
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

Id pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:

Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?

On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Years Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

Your teachers wont flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test.

07
Nov

In the BIG city

A Kentucky family took a holiday to New York City.

For an adventure the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by everything they saw – especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked,
Whats that there, Paw?

The father responded,
Well son, I reckon I never did see nothing like this in my entire life. I got no darned idea what it is.

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said,
Go git your Maw.

07
Nov

Two men were sitting next…

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.



After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, I cant help but think, from listening to you, that youre from Ireland.



The other guy responds proudly, Yes, that I am!



The first guy says, So am I! And where about from



Ireland might you be?



The other guy answers, Im from Dublin, I am.



The first guy responds, Sure and begora, and so am I!



And what street did you live on in Dublin?



The other guy says, A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.



The first guy says, Faith & its a small world, so did I!



And to what school would you have been going?



The other guy answers, Well now, I went to St. Marys of course.



The first guy gets really excited, and says, And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?



The other guy answers, Well, now, I graduated in 1964.



The first guy exclaims, The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Marys in 1964 my own self.



About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.



The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, Its going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again.

07
Nov

Wedding practical joke

I deserve to be married

For a small fee, you can get an agency to have a pregnant ex-girlfriend appear at the service, in a wedding gown, claiming the groom-to-be the father of her child and demanding *she* should be the one to be married. The one I saw even had a bunch of dead flowers with her!

07
Nov

Story-telling in computer languages

An absolute masterpiece of Santa Claus is coming to town translated into Unix Shell Script.

better watchout
better !cry
better !pout
lpr why
santaclaus town

cat >list /etc/passwd
ncheck list
ncheck list
grep >nogiftlist naughty list
grep >giftlist nice list
santaclaus town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad|good
for (goodness sake) {be good}