Old and New Jokes

One day David Beckham was at a press conference.

He started by saying They keep your mouth minty for 2 hours and there only 2 calories which is good for victoria.



But then someone whisperd to David your here to talk about TACTICS.

a lady was giving birth to a baby on the kitchen table when the baby finally came out the doctor grabbed the baby by the imbilical cord and started salmming it against the floor and then booted it to the other side of the room the lady then asked in a screaming voice why did you do that to my baby and the doctor replied april fools it was already dead

¿Cómo se caza un elefante gris?

Con una pistola de cazar elefantes grises.

¿Y cómo se caza un elefante morado?

Supongo que dirán que con una escopeta de cazar elefantes morados. Pues no, coges la escopeta de cazar elefantes grises. Se la metes por la trompa al elefante gris hasta que se ponga morado, y entonces coges la escopeta de cazar elefantes morados y lo matas.

The Young Whipper-Snapper (TYWS) took MrsYWS to the races one fine Sunday. There they met Maury, an old Army buddy of TYWS.

Hey! Maury! Hows it goin? says TYWS.

Cool enough, says Maury, Ive come to bet.

Great, says TYWS, you can explain it to me, because I dont know anything about the track.

Me neither, confesses Maury, I just play random combinations, and that works like a charm every time. Here ya go, lemme help you pick some numbers. How long you and the missus been married?

15 years.

And how many times a week do yo make love?

7.

And how many kids you got?

2.

And, finally, whats the last number in your house number?

9.

Great! says Maury. Im gonna fix you up with 15-7-2-9.

The race takes place, but the winning combinatin is 15-1-2-9.

Thats when MrsYWS knocks TYWS over the head with her purse: Fool! If you had told him the truth, wed be RICH!

1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, Trick or Treat! Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, Top Secret in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, Its about time you got here, give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, Come in. When they do, have everyone yell, Surprise!!! Act like its a surprise party.5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out whats wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural whirring sound.6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and dont move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, Crawl for it!9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused,

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They cant change light bulbs… Without light, they cant read the manual, and without the manual, they cant figure out how to change the light bulb.

A blonde buys two horses and she cant tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horses tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she cant tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!

Our team is doing so badly that Manager of the Month isnt an award.
Its an appointment!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!

Which insect didnt play well in goal?
The fumble bee!

THE INVISIBLE KILLER

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year.

Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.

Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance.

For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.
contributes to the greenhouse effect.
may cause severe burns.
contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.
has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
frivolity, but because its the season when the food police come out with
their wagging fingers and annual tip on how to get through the holidays
without gaining 10 pounds. You cant pick up a magazine without finding a
list of holiday eating dos and donts. Eliminate second helpings,
high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they say. Fill up on
vegetable sticks, they say.

Good grief.

Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didnt
think so. Isnt mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph. I
have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow
them, youll be fat and happy. So what if you dont make it to New Years?
Your pants wont fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a
holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you
see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where theyre serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, its rare. In fact, its even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
cant find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it
has 10,000 calories in every sip? Its not as if youre going to turn into
an eggnogaholic or something. Its a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have
two. Its later than you think. Its Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. Thats the whole point of gravy.
Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if theyre made with skim milk or
whole milk. If its skim, pass. Why bother? Its like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Years.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which youll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and dont budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. Theyre like a beautiful pair of shoes. You cant leave them
behind. Youre not going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if
you dont like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, its loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards,
mate.

10. And one final tip: If you dont feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you havent been paying attention.

11. Reread the tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around the
corner.