Old and New Jokes

Why couldnt O. J. play baseball? He couldnt find his bloody glove!

El Nino storms are affecting trade with Asian countries. A freighter bound for Long Beach Calif. with a cargo of yo-yos got caught in a particularly violent storm. It sank 65 times.

A Russian, an Italian and an Irishman got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink. The Irishman said Lets all go to OLearys. With every third round, the bartender will give each of us a free Guiness.

The Italian said That sounds good, but if we go to Baldinis with every third round they bring a free bottle of wine to the table.

The Russian said That sounds fine but if we go to Gouvstofs we drink for free all night and then go out into the parking lot and get laid.

That sounds to good to be true! the Irishman exclaimed. Have you actually been there?

No, the Russian replied, but my wife goes there all the time.

Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.

Un hombre se quejaba de un fuerte dolor en el hombro y un amigo le dice, Hay una computadora en la farmacia que puede diagnosticar cualquier cosa, mucho más rápido y más barato que un doctor. Pones una muestra de tu orina y la computadora te diagnostica tu problema, y te sugiere qué hacer. Además, sólo cuesta 5 pesos.

El hombre llenó un frasco con orina y fue a la farmacia. Encontró la computadora y puso la muestra de orina dentro de la máquina. Luego depositó los $5 en la ranura. La computadora comenzó a hacer ruidos, a encender y apagar varias luces, y luego de una pequeña pausa, por una ranura salió un papel que decía:

Ud. tiene hombro de tenista

Frote su brazo con agua caliente y sal

No haga esfuerzos físicos de magnitud

En dos semanas va a estar mucho mejor

Más tarde, decidió probar si la computadora podía ser engañada. Mezcló agua de la canilla, un poco de caca del perro, un poco de pis de la hija y su mujer. Para terminar, se masturbó y puso su semen en la extraña mezcla. Fue a la farmacia, encontró la computadora, y le puso la mezcla, además de los $5. Después de los sonidos y luces de rigor, la máquina imprimió el siguiente análisis:

Su agua es demasiado impura: Cómprese un purificador

Su perro tiene parásitos: Déle vitaminas

Su hija se droga: Intérnela en un instituto de rehabilitación

Su esposa está embarazada: Y no es suyo. Consiga un abogado

Y si no deja de masturbarse, no se le va a curar nunca el hombro.

WHEN PROFESSOR SAYS:
YOU WRITE:
Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, Paradise Lost being said to be the greatest single poem ever written.
John Milton – born 1608
When Lafayette first came to this country, he discovered America. The Americans needed his help if their cause was to survive, and this he promptly supplied them.
Lafayette discovered America
Current historians have come to doubt the complete advantageousness some of Roosevelts policies
Most of the problems that now face the United States are directly of traceable to the bungling and greed of President Roosevelt.
…it is possible that we do not understand the Russian viewpoint…
Professor Mitchell is a communist
The puissance of hydrochloric acid is incontestable; however, the corrosive residue is inharmonious with metallic persistance.
Hydrochloric acid eats the hell out of steel

1. I Was One of the Chosen People (Til She Chose Somebody Else)


2. Stand by Your Mensch


3. Ive Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?


4. New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament


5. Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights


6. Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes


7. I Balanced Your Books, but Youre Breaking My Heart


8. The Second Time She Said Shalom, I Knew She Meant Goodbye


9. Youre the Lox My Bagels Been Missin


10.Youve Been Talkin Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town


11.Mamas Dont Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years Which Apparently Doesnt Mean Anything Now That Youre Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)

Una pareja de recién casados está haciendo el amor. De pronto, el hombre se levanta y la emprende a golpes contra la mujer. Después de 10 minutos de golpearla, éste se tranquiliza y comienza a masturbarse. Cuando termina, le aclara a la mujer:

Eso, pendeja, fue para que sepas que cuando yo quiera puedo ser cariñoso; que cuando yo quiera puedo ser agresivo y, lo mejor de todo, que soy autosuficiente.

It was time to take an inventory of the animals on the Old MacDonalds Farm.

Farmer MacDonald got his 3 sons Gordy, Glenn and Gomer together and assigned a task to each of them. Gordy had to count the chickens, Glenn the pigs and Gomer the cows.



Gordy went out to the chicken coop and started countin. 1, 2, 3 . . . 48. And came back and told his father You have 48 chickens.



Glenn went to the Pig Barn and counted 1, 2, 3 . . . 53. And came back and told his father You have 54 pigs.



Gomer went out in the pasture to count the cows. They were all together at one end of the pasture and Gomer began to count 1, 2, 3, and an udder, and an udder . . .

Life is something to do when you cant get to sleep