Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…
Your secret family recipe is illegal.

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?

They both have ornamental balls.

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be at least 193 years old!

Un violador acechaba a su posible víctima en un callejón oscuro. En eso va pasando una monja, y el abusador le lanza:

Ahora si, madre, sus días de virginidad han llegado a su fin.

¡Hijo mío, no, por Dios! ¿Qué me quieres decir con eso?

Que la voy a violar.

El malandrín se va contra ella y la empieza a manosear.

¡Hijo mío, por favor, no hagas eso!

Cállese, que va a empezar lo bueno.

Está bien, hijo, pero hagámoslo con calma, relájate, que todo saldrá bien. Mira, bájate los pantalones, no es necesario que te los quites por completo, así lo puedes hacer, y yo me levanto mis enaguas para que lo podamos hacer mejor.

Muy orondo, el violador hizo lo que la religiosa le pidió y, excitado le pregunta:

¿Y ahora qué, madre?

Pues a ver quien corre más rápido, estúpido, si un idiota con los pantalones en los tobillos, o una monjita con las enaguas recogidas.

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinators Society) if they ever get it organized.

This guy is having sex with a hooker and he says, Youre so dry.

The hooker replies, Give me two minutes.

Two minutes later she comes back and they continue. The man says, Thats much better. What did you do?

The hooker replies, I picked off the scabs.

Yo Momma is so fat that she is like spoiled milk…

A wealthy young Wall Street stockbroker was admiring his physique nude before the mirror one day. The picture was perfectly toned and buffed except for the lack of a tan. So, he flew to California for the weekend to get a tan.

Back in his luxurious New York condo, he stripped bare to get another look at his own great beauty. He was shocked to see that he had a little white triangle in a strategic location. Well, that just wouldnt do!

The next weekend, he flew back to his favorite beach in California. He found a secluded, quiet spot and stripped off his attire and laid down on the sand. Then he proceeded to cover up all his body with the sand, except for the part that was a tiny white triangle. He soon relaxed and fell asleep.

While he napped, two elderly ladies came slowly along the waters edge, clinging to each other and their canes for support. When they saw the strange thing planted in the sand, one lady turned to the other and said, Eloise, when I was 20, I was scared of it.

When I was 40, I couldnt get enough of it.

When I was 60, I had to pay for it.

And now that Im 80, I find it growing wild!

Banta Singh had a bitter quarrel with his wife. In his anger he prayed loudly “Hey Bhagwan! mujhey uttha ley – Lord take me away from this world.”

Mrs. Banta Singh retaliated: “Hey Bhagwan! Mujhey uttha ley.”

Banta Singh quickly amended his prayer: “Hey Bhagwan! Tu iskee sun lay – O Lord, grant her prayer.”

A Koala walks into a bar.

A hooker comes up to the Koala and says, hey hairy, want a date?

The Koala says sure, and they sit in a booth in the corner.

The hooker and the Koala start to get-it-on and end up with the Koala performing oral sex on the hooker.

Afterwards the hooker tries to get her money, but the Koala refuses.

Hey, says the hooker, dont you know the definition of a hooker?

And the Koala says, No, sorry, I dont.

And the hooker says, its someone who has sex for money.

And the Koala says, Well I guess you dont know the definition of a Koala.

Whats that? asks the hooker.

An animal that eats bushes and leaves.