Old and New Jokes

El diablo había bebido demasiado y cuando sale de la cantina se tira un tropezón y cae de cuatro patas; en eso venía un borrachito y al verlo que le mostraba el culo empieza a pensar: este es mi día de suerte. Entonces el borrachito empieza a tener relaciones sexuales con el diablo.

El diablo empieza a reaccionar y dice: Pero que pasa, este no sabe quien soy yo pero ahora va ver quien soy, lo voy a matar de un susto hasta que se le pare el corazón.

El diablo se empieza a poner rojo sangre y el borracho ni caso que le hace. El diablo dice: Pero no puede ser, si yo soy el diablo, pero ahora si lo mato de un susto, de esta no se me escapa.

Entonces le empiezan a crecer los pelos de unos 50 cm por todo el cuerpo y el borrachito sigue sin hacer caso a nada, y el diablo dice: Ahora si que lo mato a este de un susto y le empieza a salir la cola, y el borrachito sigue, la cola la pone para un lado y sigue adelante, entonces el diablo dice: Esta es mi última opción y con esto le voy a demostrar quien es el diablo.

Le empiezan a salir los cuernos, en eso el borracho abre los ojos y ve los cuernos, se detiene un momento y en tono de asombro exclama, mientras agarra los cuernos:

¡Aaaayyyy, si hasta tiene de donde agarrarse!

The Rabbi of the local congregation took ill. The president of the board went to visit him at the hospital.

Rabbi, I want you to know, the board voted 10 to 2 that you should get well!

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.

NICKNAMES:

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT:

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20 even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt need because its on sale.
BATHROOMS:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS:

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats but when women arent looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt. A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.
DRESSING UP:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING:

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

Any married man should forget his mistakes. Theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

1. When talking to your roommate, alternate the pitch of your voice.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

This is a bricklayers accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers Compensation Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayers report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put Poor Planning as the cause of my accident. You asked for a more complete explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later, were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions, and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

If you cant Dazzle them with Brilliance

Baffle them with Bullshit.

Jaimito iba de viaje, entonces una señora le pide sus datos:

¿Nombre?

Jaimito Perez.

¿Edad?

Cinco años.

La señora pregunta:

¿Sexo?

Y Jaimito responde:

Todavía no.