Old and New Jokes

Un hombre manejaba por la autopista cuando vio a una gallina corriendo junto a su coche. Sorprendentemente, la gallina corría al mismo ritmo que el auto, aunque iba a más de 80 km/h.

El hombre aceleró a 100 y la gallina se mantuvo junto a él. Aceleró a 120 y la gallina lo rebasó. Entonces el hombre notó que la gallina tenía tres piernas.

El tipo siguió a la gallina por un camino lateral hasta que llegaron a una granja, donde vio que todas las gallinas tenían tres piernas. El hombre buscó al granjero y le preguntó ¿Oiga, qué pasa con estas gallinas?

El granjero le respondió Bueno, a todo el mundo le gustan las piernas de pollo. Así que crié una gallina de tres piernas. Voy a hacerme millonario.

¿Y qué sabor tienen estas gallinas?

No lo sé, ¡no he podido atrapar ninguna!

Una hermosa princesa está sentada en una piedra sobre el río, cuando de repente se le acerca una rana. La princesa, sorprendida, exclama:

¡Una ranita como en los cuentos!

Así es, como en los cuentos, le responde la rana.

O sea, que si te doy un beso, te conviertes en un hermoso y rico príncipe.

¿Un beso? ¡Eso era antes, a mí ahora, hay que mamármelo!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Iris!
Iris who?
Iris you were here!

If at first you dont succeed, blame it on your supervisor.

Squawks are problems left behind by airplane pilots that are checked for each night. These problems are always solved before the next flight. Here are some actual problems (P) and their solutions (S).

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. (S) Left inside main tire almost replaced.

(P) Test flight OK, except Auto Land very rough. (S) Auto Land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid. (S) #2 propeller seepage normal. #s 1, 3, and 4 lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit. (S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to a more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold more produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) Thats what theyre there for.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when shes wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.
— Cindy Garner

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There was water in the carburetor. I said, Wheres the car? She said, In the lake.
— Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, Arent you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? The other replied Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, You know, I was a fool when I married you. The husband replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I havent spoken to my wife in 18 months. I dont like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful.

MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding thecommands.The Georgia edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with abackground picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shippedwith a Daisy Duke screen saver.Also note: Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.Other features: Instead of an error message you geta winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape. OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff that does stuff
documents = stuff I done done Also note that winders 98 does notrecognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive towinders 98: tiperiter…………….A word processor
colering book…………a graphics program
addin mershene………..calculator
scratch paper ………..notepad
jupe-box …………….CD Player
inner-net…………….Microsoft Explorer
pichers………………A graphics viewer
IRS………………….M/S accounting software
IRS2…………………M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog……………..American kennel club records
fishin……………….Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA………………….National Rifle Association
shot gun …………….Remington Arms price list
riffel……………….Winchester price list
pisstel………………Smith & Wesson price list
truck………………..Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
house………………..Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car …………………same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
cuzzins………………family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records…………..usually an empty file
shells……………….ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
bud………………….list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
racin………………..NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race car n truck
Parts…….nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc …………………veterinarians by zip code We regret any inconvenience it mayhave caused if you received a copy of the Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoftfor a replacement version.

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!

Pepillo necesitaba una sierra para cortar algunos árboles en su traspatio. Va a una tienda especializada y pide ver varias sierras. El vendedor le dice, Mire, tengo infinidad de modelos, pero le aconsejo que se evite problemas y compre la mejor. Esta sierra de cadena es capaz de cortar cientos de árboles en un día.

Así que Pepillo compra la sierra de cadena y empieza a trabajar en los árboles. Tras varias horas sólo había logrado cortar un árbol, así que piensa que algo anda mal con la sierra, pero decide darle otra oportunidad al día siguiente.

Pepillo se levanta a las 4 de la madrugada y empieza a cortar y cortar, y sigue cortando hasta la noche, pero sólo consigue cortar tres árboles.

Al día siguiente lleva la sierra al vendedor en la tienda especializada y le explica su problema. El vendedor, sorprendido por la reclamación, saca la sierra de la caja. Después de examinarla, dice, Hmm, parece estar bien. Entonces el vendedor enciende la sierra, a lo que Pepillo responde, ¿Qué es ese ruido?

Los feligreses van a quejarse con el obispo porque los confesores de las diversas parroquias les daban diferentes penitencias para los mismos pecados, lo que no era justo.

Para solucionar el asunto, se instalan PCs en red en los confesionarios, conectadas a una base de datos, donde se consulta la penitencia que corresponde a cada falta.

Llega una joven y dice:

Me acuso, padre, de que mi novio me metió las manos bajo la blusa y me sobó las tetitas.

A ver, sobar las tetitas… dos padrenuestros.

Luego, me metió la mano bajo la falda y me bajó las bombachas.

Bajar las bombachas… dos avemarías.

Después, me chupó las tetitas.

Chupar las tetitas… cuatro padrenuestros.

Y, entonces, me metió la puntita.

A ver, meter la puntita…

Y el PC da un PROGRAM ERROR y se cae el sistema. Reinicia el sistema, se cargan Windows y el programa de penitencias.

El párroco vuelve a ingresar al programa de penitencias: meter la puntita. Y nuevamente se cae el sistema.

Colérico, el cura le dice a la joven:

¡Mire, vaya y que se lo meta entero, porque este sistema no maneja fracciones!