The only union you support is the Major League Baseball players, because heck, theyre richer than you.
17
Jan
17
Jan
A Redneck stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking
around with a flyswatter. When asked if he was gettin any flies, he
answered, Yeah, three males and two females.
Curious, the redneck asked how he could tell the difference.
The friend answered, Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.
17
Jan
My Uncle Dave was a real World War II hero, but with the passage of time, stories tend to grow. He started one nite after a family dinner to tell his famous Pillbox story.
There I was, on the island of Cebu, pinned down by pillbox fire and saw eighteen Japanese soldiers advancing on me …
At that point my Aunt interrupted and said, David! The last time you told the boys that story, it was a dozen enemy soldiers.
Without pausing he replied, Yes. But they were too young then to know the whole horrible truth.
16
Jan
Ésta es una verdad universal:
Un hombre tenÃa tres novias. En el dilema de decidirse con cuál de ellas casarse, les entregó mil dólares a cada una para ver qué hacÃan con el dinero.
La primera tomó todo el dinero y se fue a la peluquerÃa, se hizo la manicura, la pedicura, se cortó y tiñó el pelo, se fue de compras y compró lujosas ropas y joyas.
Lo he hecho por ti, le dijo cuando lo vio. Deseo estar muy guapa para ti porque te amo muchÃsimo.
La segunda tomó el dinero y compró un estéreo, un Rolex de oro para caballero, un reproductor de CD portátil y unas corbatas carÃsimas. Cuando lo vio le entregó todo y le dijo:
Te he comprado todo esto porque te quiero muchÃsimo.
La tercera invirtió todo el dinero en la Bolsa. Ganó el doble de dinero, cogió la mitad y reinvirtió el resto, devolviéndole los mil dólares que le habÃa dado.
He invertido el dinero para ti, y lo he doblado. Te devuelvo lo que me has dado, y reinvierto lo demás para nuestro futuro porque te quiero muchÃsimo.
El hombre analizó cuidadosamente todos y cada uno de los comportamientos, sopesando pros y contras de cada una y, tras mucho pensar, decidió casarse con… ¡La más nalgona!
16
Jan
Una señora de edad querÃa tener sexo, y como ya andaba en sus ultimos dias de vida, decide ir a un prostÃbulo de hombres.
Al llegar, se pone a checar una tabla de la longitud de los penes y el precio.
Juan – 20 centÃmetros – $1,000
Manuel – 30 centÃmetro – $1,500
Goyo – 50 centÃmetros – $2,500
Entonces la viejita decide meterse con Goyo, para que según ella el recuerdo perdure.
Al terminar, la viejita sale del cuarto caminando con las piernas algo abiertas por el tamaño del miembro recién introducido y se va caminando a su casa, pero como quedaba algo lejos por el camino normal, la señora toma un atajo para llegar más rapido y se va por un callejón oscuro.
De pronto, sale un ladrón con un cuchillo y le dice a la viejita con tono amenazador:
¡Deme el dinero, o la degollo!
Entonces la viejita le dice asustada:
¡Tome todo el dinero, pero la de Goyo ya no!
16
Jan
2 blondes were driving to Disney World when they see a sign on the highway that said:
Disney World
LeftThen they both said, Oh well, I guess well have to go back home.
16
Jan
If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the errands, and the baby carriage.
16
Jan
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to enforce the laws pending. He
stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, Looks
like youve had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect
your kill?
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks
to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
his finger into the ducks rectum, pulled it out, sniffed
it, and said, This heres a Washington state duck. Do
you have a Washington state hunting license?
The hunter
pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a
Washington state hunting license. The warden took a
second duck, inserted his finger in the birds rectum,
pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, This heres an
Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting
license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
the same finger test, and said, This heres an Oregon
state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter
produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little
miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
the hunter and said, Youve got all of these licenses,
just where the hell are you from?
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
Youre so smart, YOU tell ME!
Mark Kimmerly ISC Systems Corporation | (uunet!iscuva!markk)
15
Jan
Un tontilandés quiere ir a Londres a visitar a su hijo que está estudiando allÃ. Le pregunta a otro de Tontilandia:
“¿Cómo voy a Londres si no sé inglés?â€
“No te preocupes, el inglés es muy fácil. Sólo tienes que hablar muy despacioâ€.
“¿Ya está?â€
“SÃ, verás como te entienden todosâ€.
Va el tontilandés a Londres, aterriza en el aeropuerto, sale y llama a un taxi:
“Bue–nos–d×as. ¿Po–dr×a lle–var—me a Ox–ford St—-reet.â€
“Des—-de lu–e—-goâ€, le responde el taxista.
“¿Qué tal tiem—-po ha—-ce en Lon–dres?â€
“Es—-tá llo–vien—-doâ€.
Y asà siguen hablando mientras se van acercando a la ciudad. Cerca ya de Londres, le pregunta al taxista:
“¿Tú de dón—-de e–res?â€
“Yo de Ton—-ti–lan–diaâ€.
“¡An—-da! ¿En—-ton–ces que ha–ce—-mos los dos ha–blan—-do en in–glés?
15
Jan
The first day after Christmas, my true love and I had a fight
and so I chopped the pear tree down – and burned it out of spite.
And with a single cartridge I shot that blasted partridge my true love,
my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas, I pulled on the old rubber gloves
and gently rung both the necks, of the Turtle Doves.
The third day after Christmas, my mother caught the croup
and so I took the three french hens and made some chicken soup.
The four calling birds were a big mistake for their language was obscene,
the five golden rings were completely fake, and their turned my fingers green.
The six day after Christmas my 6 laying gees wouldnt lay,
so I sent the whole gaggle back to the ASPCA.
The seventh day, what a mess I found …
all seven of my swimming swans had drowned
that my true love, we are through love, my true love gave to me.
The 8th day after Christmas before they could suspect,
I rounded up the:
maids a milkin
ladies ladies dancing
lords a leapin
pipers pipin
drummer drummin
and sent them back collect.