Old and New Jokes

1. Thou shalt run lint frequently and study its pronouncements with care, for verily its perception and judgement oft exceed thine.

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.

Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.

He quickly answered, Oh that? The dogs leash goes slack!

The old man was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam, Did you see my client commit this burglary?

Yes, said Sam, I saw him plainly take the goods.

The lawyer asks Sam again, Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?

Yes says Sam, I saw him do it.

Then the lawyer asks Sam, Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?

Sam says, I can see the moon, how far is that?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Dont never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And dont start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Dont overuse exclamation marks!!

Mathematicians hunt Lions by throwing out everything that is not a Lion
and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will
attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique Lion before
proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics
will prove the existence of at least one unique Lion and then leave the
detection and capture of an actual Lion to their graduate students.

Quantum Mechanics Scientists spend their time trying to ascertain whether
a Lion is only visible when there is someone there to see it and go on to
design fiendishly complicated traps for theoretical Lions involving small
amounts of radioactive substances and glass vials of toxic vapour
(Schrodingers Lion).

Logicians dont hunt Lions; for them it is sufficient to prove the
existence of Lions and Lion-hunters and an additional theorem which proves
that Lion-hunters do indeed hunt Lions (at least in theory).

Computer Programmers hunt Lions by exercising Algorithm A.

Go to South Africa
Start at the Cape of Good Hope
Work northward, traversing the continent alternately east and west
During each traverse

a) catch all observed animals

b) compare each animal caught to a known Lion

c) stop when a match is detected

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
Lion in Cairo to ensure the Algorithm will terminate. Assembly language
programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Hardware Engineers hunt Lions by catching tawny animals at random and
stopping when any one of them weighs plus or minus 15% of any previously
observed Lions. (Owners of overweight Red Persian Longhairs beware!)

Economists dont hunt Lions, but believe that if Lions are paid enough
they will hunt themselves.

Politicians hunt Lions by cutting off their social security payments as
an incentive for Lions to hunt themselves.

Protection Racketeers hunt Lions by making them an offer they cant
refuse.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see n times and call it a Lion.

Consultants dont hunt Lions. Many have never hunted anything at all,
but can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations
Research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat-size and
bullet-colour to the efficiency of Lion-hunting strategies, if someone
else will only identify the Lion.

Senior Management set broad Lion-hunting policy based on the assumption
that Lions are just like big Red-Self Persians but with deeper voices.

Salespeople dont hunt Lions. They spend their time selling the Lions
they havent caught, for delivery two weeks before the season opens.
Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for a Lion. Hardware salespeople catch Maine Coon kittens, paint
them tawny and sell them as desktop Lions.

Quality Assurance Inspectors ignore the Lions and look for mistakes the
others made when they were parking the jeep.

Cat Fanciers
Dont hunt Lions but may attempt to breed them. However Lion-breeding
strategy is affected by lack of CFA/TICA recognition of Lions and the fact
that Lions dont fit into standard show-cages. Any hint of non-Lions in a
5 generation pedigree adversely affects recognition of Lions. Purists
argue that any hint of non-tawny Lions (e.g. sporadic occurrence of White
Lions, Dappled Lions) invalidates recognition. IRCA may already breed
Genuine Lions in which case they will place advertisements which claim
that Lions from other sources are half-bred or overbred lookalikes; there
are rumours that they have already created the Leonoid, a cat which can be
bred to any other cat and produce a Lion. Liberal-minded and progressive
Lion-breeders attempt to extend the range of available Lions through
outcrossing, resulting in Rex Lions (Li-Rex), Wirehair Lions, LaPerm Lions
(LeoPerms), Sphynx Lions, Manx Lions (Li-Manx), Scottish Fold Lions,
Spotted Lions, Colorpoint Lions (Liamese), Sepia Lions and calico Lions.
Unfortunately most Lion-breeding experiments do not result in newly
recognised Lion varieties, not because of genetic faults in the breeding
stock, but because Lions view potential outcross mates, Lion-breeders and
show judges as between-meals snacks. Miniature Lions (Lunchkins, Leo
Tois, Leopuras) may solve this problem.

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?

A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?

A: To put their feet through.

The Naughty Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman wed built, Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as Im speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or Ill cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and dont hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a spatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jockies, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, and Ill just stay awhile He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santas next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldnt even mention. A fuck ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.

This stuff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit, So Ill leave em here. and then Ill just split. He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and farted instead. In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, Take me home, Rudolph. This nights been a bitch!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about pussy is you cant wear it out!!

My Dearest Susan,Sweetie of my heart. Ive been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Wont you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Wont you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.Yours always and truly,
JohnP.S. Congratulations on winning the state lottery.

A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it. I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi… where did I go wrong?

Funny you should come to me, said the Rabbi. Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.

What did you do? asked the lawyer. I turned to God for the answer, replied the rabbi.

And what did he say?

He said, Funny you should come to me…

Q: How many C programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they forgot to declare it first.