Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the difference between the panama canal and a blond?

A: One is a busy ditch and the other is a dizy bitch.

Q: How are bob barker and lorena bobbit different?

A: One is a slick pricer and the other is a prick slicer

Q: How is a blond like a screen door?

A: The harder you slamm them the looser they become

Q: How do elephants hide in the jungle?

A: Paint there balls green and lay on their backs in a watermelon patch

Q: How did tarzan die?

A: Thumping watermelons

Q: How are a turtle and a blond similar?

A: Put them on their backs and they are phucked

Q: Why did the blond have a big belly button?

A: Her boyfriend was blond too!

Llega un tipo a la peluquería. Cuando le toca el turno, el Peluquero le pregunta ¿cómo le corto?

El tipo le dice: El flequillo un poco largo de este costado, la patilla izquierda corta, la derecha un poco más larga, la nuca bien rapada…

¡Hooooo, dice el peluquero, este corte es para locos!

¡¡¡Así me lo dejastes vos la últma vez concha de tu madre!!!

A self-important young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, What kind of car ya got there, sonny?
The young man replies, A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. They cost $100,000.
Thats a lot of money, replies the old man. Why does it cost so much?
Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour! states the young man proudly.
The moped driver asks, Can I take a look inside?
Sure, replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, Thats a pretty nice car, all right!
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911Turbo? the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldnt be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo? Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, Youre hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?
The old man groans and replies, Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. Yes. Yes he did.

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks Who? Who was he? Who was the father?

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . You.

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie–*poof*– you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.



So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, I think Im the most beautiful woman in the world. –*poof*– The mirror swallows her.



Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, I think Im the sexiest woman alive. –*poof*– The mirror swallows her.



Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, I think. . . . –*poof*–

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Una pareja de esposos discutía airadamente en la calle:

¡Te voy a demostrar que no vales nada!

El señor hace señas a un taxista que se detiene frente a ellos.

¿Cuanto me cobra hasta el aeropuerto?

Hasta allá… sobre 18 euros.

¿Y con mi mujer?

Lo mismo.

Ya ves… ¡no vales nada!

One morning two priests head to the showers. It isnt until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides hell run back for the soap.

Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.



The nuns approach and the first nun says, Oh my, look at that! Isnt that the most lifelike statue youve ever seen?



She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priests weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.



Oh Heavens, she exclaims, I got a bar of soap!



The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priests weenie, and he drops the other bar of soap.



My goodness, I got a bar of soap also! The nuns cant believe it.



The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priests weenie.



My God, this is amazing, she says, I got liquid soap!

Id rather have lobsters on my piano than crabs on my organ

Q: What
do you call a man with half a brain?

A: Gifted.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?

A: What Men Know About Women
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light
bulb?

A: One … men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?

A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?

A: We dont know …. its never happened.
Q: What is a mans idea of helping with the housework?

A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q: Whats the difference between a man and E.T.?

A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: What did God say after creating man?

A: I can do better.
Q: What are the two reasons why men dont mind their
own business?

A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: Because you dont know when its coming, how many inches youll get, and how long itll stay.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who
are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?

A: Filthy and Filthy but wearable
Q:

Husband: I dont know why you wear a bra, youve go nothing to put in it.

A: Wife: You wear briefs, dont you?