Old and New Jokes

Q. How do fish weigh themselves ?



A. With scales!

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, Whats the problem officer?

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. Im afraid Im going to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80!
[The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: Im also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didnt know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, youve known about that tail light for weeks!
[The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]

Officer: Im also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, For cryin out loud, cant you just shut up?!

The officer turns to the woman and asks, Maam, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?

Wife says, No officer, Only when hes drunk.

When their numbers dwindled from 50 down to 8,
the remaining dwarfs began to suspect Hungry

Vasectomies…I can understand why men dont like vasectomies.
My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard.
He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to
his house and knocked up my aunt.

Elayne Boosler (sp?) from her Party of One cable special.

The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has
encountered several times before.
The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who
are all perfectly all right.
The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise,
where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed
to be exactly as it seems.
The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later
turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for
which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to
the Enterprises computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to
bring the right leads.
A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a
faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer
panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection
feature called a fuse.
The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without
serious incident.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which
does not put them on trial.
The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and
dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it
on in the end.
The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which
they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in
some way unconnected with the 20th century.
Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesnt explode or crash.
A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but
fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to
everyones satisfaction.
The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.
An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered
without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, would represent
a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant.
A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a
single malfunction trapping him/her there.
Picard hears the door chime and doesnt bother to say Come.
Picard doesnt answer a suggestion with Make it so!
Picard walks up to the replicator and says, Coke on ice.
Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Trois position.
Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show
up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, Did he read you love poetty?! Did
he serve you poisonous tea?! Hes MINE!
When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range
no one says On screen.
Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond
to one of the Enterprises hails.
Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasnt done in
Deja Vu then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy
git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age
for a change.
Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we
know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort
themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius
Wesley Crusher.
Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than
ever.
Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot
flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
Data falls in love with the replicator.
Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits,
and isnt tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced
people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime
Directive.
An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the
tale.
Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not
being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three
sentences that anyone says to him.
Kirks hair remains consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesnt rip his shirt.
(Or even, Kirk DOESNT get into a fistfight…)
Kirk doesnt end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesnt
sacrifice herself for him.
Scotty doesnt mention the laws of physics
Spock isnt the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by
alien race/etc!! due to his darn green blood or bizarre Vulcan
physiology and thus he cannot save the day.
The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spocks inability to
understand the joke, and he doesnt raise his eybrow.

An Irishman, an Englishman and aScotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender handsthem over, three flies buzz down and land in each of the pints. The Englishman looksdisgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks outthe fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches into the glass,pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, yabastard! Spit it out!"

A man goes to a kennel to buy a hunting dog. This is one of the best hunting dogs I have, said the proprietor. The man looks the dog over and agrees to the purchase.

Several days later he goes duck hunting at a lake. When the first bird is hit and falls into the water, the dog rushes to the edge of the lake and walks on the water to retrieve the duck. Quickly grabbing it with his mouth , the dog again walks on the water and deposits the bird in front of the amazed hunter. This happens again with every bird the hunter shoots.

The next day, the kennel owner is surprised to see the hunter back with the dog. He looked angry and said, I want my money back! This dog is supposed to be a hunting dog but hes no darn good!

The astonished proprietor replies, Gee, Im surprised. This is one of my best dogs. Whats the problem?

This dog isnt a hunting dog, replied the hunter, He cant even swim!

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog cocked its leg, then urinated on its owner. Calmly, the blind man reached into his pocket and
took out a biscuit for the dog. A passer by whod seen everything remarked:
Thats extremely tolerant of you, especially after what he just did. Not really, came the reply. Im just finding out where his mouth is, so I can
kick him in the nuts.

Una vieja le dice a otra:

Con los años, mi Ruperto se ha convertido en una fiera en la cama.

¿Te hace el amor como un salvaje?

No, se mea en las sábanas para marcar su territorio.

El Ministro de Relaciones Exteriores de Tontilandia visita al Papa. Al despedirse, una vez terminada la reunión, le manifiesta:

Dele mis más sinceros saludos a su esposa, y se marcha.

Sorprendido, el Papa le manifiesta a su ayudante:

¿Vio que falta de respeto? ¡Mandarle sus saludos a mi esposa!

Despreocúpese, su Santidad, no es la primera vez que eso nos pasa con este señor. ¡La vez anterior nos mandó un mensaje felicitándonos cuando ganaron los Cardenales de San Luis!