Old and New Jokes

One that my 12 year old son brought home from school:

Bush and Gorbachev decided to get themselves frozen for a hundred years to see
how the current political situation resolved itself. After the time was up
they were thawed, and started to read newspapers to catch up on the situation.

Gorbachev started to laugh. In response to Bushs question he said, I see that
the dollar is still getting weaker.

Then Bush started to laugh. In response to Gorbachevs question of why, he
said, I read that there is renewed fighting on the German-Chinese border.

Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. No, Johnny! Stop! Thats horrible! You cant eat worms!

Trying to convince him further, Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby-worm.

No, she isnt, said Johnny.

Why not?

Because I ate her first!

Dos borrachos, por la calle, se tropiezan con un pocotón de mierda:

Compañero, eso es mierda.

No, no, no, eso es un pastel.

Que no, que no, eso es mierda.

Le digo que no, pruébela y verá.

Después que la prueba:

Tenías razón es mierda, ¡menos mal que no la pisamos!

Un individuo se encuentra con un amigo que no lo había visto por mucho tiempo. Le dice el otro:

¡Cómo establas que no te había vigas, yo pensé que ya te habías muebles!

El otro, un tanto intimidado, le dice, Aquí, y tu?

Recién regresé del extranjero donde terminé mis estudios.

¿Y qué estudiaste?

RIMAS le dice el amigo.

¿Y qué es eso?

Bueno, es un tanto complicado, pero déjame darte un ejemplo: Juan García se metió en el río y el agua le llegó a la rodía. García y rodía, rima.

Pues para eso no necesitabas ir a estudiar, fíjate: Juan Angulo se metió al río y el agua le llegó a la rodía.

Pero si sos un idiota, Angulo y rodía no rima.

El amigo le dice:

Sí, pero espérate que suba la corriente…

Mary had a little lamb its coat was full of fleas



but now the stupid twat has foot and mouth disease

Un tipo llega a su casa y le dice a su mujer:

¡Qué te cuento, María, vengo de ver una película triple X, y no te imaginas la cantidad de locuras que allí se ven!

¿Cómo así, Gustavo? ¡Cuéntame!

¡No te imaginas cómo se quejan las mujeres cuando hacen el amor! ¿Sabes, yo creo que eso nos falta para ponerle más sazón a nuestro matrimonio?

¿Te gustaría que yo me quejara Gustavo?

¡Sería recontra chévere, María! ¿Por qué no lo intentas?

Y efectivamente, la pareja se dispone a poner en práctica la novedad. Esa noche, el hombre empieza a acariciarle los hombros a la mujer y ella le pregunta:

¿Ya tengo que empezar a quejarme?

No, todavía no.

Él continúa acariciándole la cintura, las piernas… y la esposa nuevamente le inquiere:

¿Ahora ya me quejo?

Espera un poco más.

A los 20 minutos, el hombre sube a donde tiene que subir y empieza a hacer lo que tiene que hacer y le dice al oído:

Ahora, María, ahora, comienza a quejarte.

¡Ay, Gustavo, los niños están cada día más traviesos; don Manuel ya no me quiere fiar la carne; la cuenta del teléfono ha venido altísima; no nos alcanza el dinero… ya no sé que cocinar! ¿Sigo, Gustavo?

Un soldado fue enojado donde el capitán y le pregunta:

Con todo respeto, señor capitán, ¿es cierto que usted anda diciendo que nos besamos en el almacén?

No… yo no he dicho nada, recluta.

¡Entonces sepa que nos vieron, mi capitán del alma!

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says Hey bartender give me a beer.



The bartender says – Im sorry we dont serve food here.

Yo Mamas so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs…what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. Youve got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but Im the only one talking to you.

7. Im a bird watcher and Im looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?

8. Im fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

9. Want to play army? Ill lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

11. Oh, Im sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

12. Id really like to see how you look when Im naked.

13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

15. Are those real?

16. You must be the limp doctor because Ive got a stiffy.

17. Id walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If its true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. (Look down at your crotch) Well Its not just going to suck itself.

20. You know, if I were you, Id have sex with me.

21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

2

2. F@# me if Im wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?

23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

24. My name is (name)…remember that, youll be screaming it later.

25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

26. Hi, Im Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

27. My friend wants to know if YOU think IM cute.

28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

29. My name isnt Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Dont you like pizza?

33. Baby, Im an American Express lover…you shouldnt go home without me.

34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Lets get you out of these wet clothes.