Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so hairy, when you were born, you almost died of rug-burn.

Doc, I had the strangest dream last night. I was the only man in a nudist colony. my, my, did you sleep well? ask the doctor.Well, I tried. said the man, but it was hard.

Step 1Go buy a turkey
Step 2Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3Put turkey in the oven
Step 4Take another two drinks of whiskey
Step 5Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6Take three more whiskeys of drink
Step 7Turn oven the on
Step 8Take four whisks of drinkey
Step 9Turk the bastey
Step 10Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12Glass yourself another pour of whiskey
Step 13Bake the whiskey for four hours
Step 14Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17Turk the carvey
Step 18Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

Shortly after take-off, the pilot of a jetliner informs his passengers of the route to their destination advises them of clear skies ahead. As he puts down the microphone for the public address system, the pilot inadvertently leaves the switch open, thereby allows all the passengers to hear any conversation in the cockpit.

The pilot leans back in seat and says to his co-pilot: Now what I need is a hot cup of coffee and a hot piece of ass.

The youngest and most beautiful flight attendant in the crew is closest to the cabin. So, she starts to run up the aisle to tell the captain to turn off the microphone for the public address system.

Suddenly, a passenger on the aisle reaches out, stops the flight attendant, and says: Honey, you forgot the coffee.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Leaf!
Leaf who?
Leaf me alone!

Q: What is the difference between the panama canal and a blond?

A: One is a busy ditch and the other is a dizy bitch.

Q: How are bob barker and lorena bobbit different?

A: One is a slick pricer and the other is a prick slicer

Q: How is a blond like a screen door?

A: The harder you slamm them the looser they become

Q: How do elephants hide in the jungle?

A: Paint there balls green and lay on their backs in a watermelon patch

Q: How did tarzan die?

A: Thumping watermelons

Q: How are a turtle and a blond similar?

A: Put them on their backs and they are phucked

Q: Why did the blond have a big belly button?

A: Her boyfriend was blond too!

Llega un tipo a la peluquería. Cuando le toca el turno, el Peluquero le pregunta ¿cómo le corto?

El tipo le dice: El flequillo un poco largo de este costado, la patilla izquierda corta, la derecha un poco más larga, la nuca bien rapada…

¡Hooooo, dice el peluquero, este corte es para locos!

¡¡¡Así me lo dejastes vos la últma vez concha de tu madre!!!

A self-important young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, What kind of car ya got there, sonny?
The young man replies, A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. They cost $100,000.
Thats a lot of money, replies the old man. Why does it cost so much?
Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour! states the young man proudly.
The moped driver asks, Can I take a look inside?
Sure, replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, Thats a pretty nice car, all right!
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911Turbo? the young man asks himself.
Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldnt be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo? Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, Youre hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?
The old man groans and replies, Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.

The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. Yes. Yes he did.

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks Who? Who was he? Who was the father?

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . You.

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie–*poof*– you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.



So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, I think Im the most beautiful woman in the world. –*poof*– The mirror swallows her.



Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, I think Im the sexiest woman alive. –*poof*– The mirror swallows her.



Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, I think. . . . –*poof*–