31
Jul

Un joyero reporta a la

Un joyero reporta a la policía un asalto recién efectuado a su negocio. En cuestión de minutos llega una patrulla a la escena del crimen; los agentes se dirigen con el orfebre:

Díganos señor, ¿qué sucedió, cuántos eran, por dónde se fueron?

No me lo van a creer, pero fíjense que entró un elefante que se paró frente a mi aparador; con un golpe de su trompa rompió el cristal y usándola como aspiradora, que recoge todas la joyas y se sale corriendo…

Por favor, señor, no nos trate de tomar el pelo. Diga la verdad.

Les juro que esa es la pura verdad, yo tampoco daba crédito a lo que veía.

A ver, dice el primer policía sacando su libreta. ¿Cómo era el elefante?

Pues era un elefante adulto común y corriente, igual a todos.

Me perdona, usted, pero existen dos tipos de elefantes: uno es el del África, que tiene las orejas grandes; el otro es el asiático, que tiene las orejas pequeñas. Dígame, ¿cómo era éste ?, cuestiona el segundo policía.

Pues la verdad es que no sé: el muy astuto usaba una pantimedia en la cabeza.

31
Jul

A Trade

One golfer tells another: Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!

The other replies: Thats a GREAT trade!

31
Jul

Swinging Redneck

How do you know when a redneck isnt wearing any underwear?

Theres dandruff on his/her shoes.

31
Jul

A veterinarian was feeling ill

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: Hey look, Im a vet – I dont need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell whats wrong just by looking. She smugly added, Why cant you?The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it to her and said, There you are. …Of course, if that doesnt work, well have to have you put down.

30
Jul

Top Ten Drug Using

Top Ten Drug Using Cartoon Suspects:

10. Gargamel (From the Smurfs)
Most likely LSD. Spends his life in pursuit of little blue guys in sissy white outfits and mentally abusing his cat. What does he plan to do with the blue dwarfs when he catches them anyway?

9. Olive Oyl
Probably Dexatrim abuse, maybe some amphetamines. Who is that skinny?! She might even be anorexic, she is always giving her burger to her friend. One side question, what the hell are Popeye and Brutus thinking? What is it her personality? NOT!

8. Snagglepuss
Cant explain it. Maybe its the name, or the look, but he is suspicious.

7. He-Man
This is an easy one. I mean cmon. Roid monkey #1. BY THE POWER OF ANABOL!!!!!! Makes me want to root for Skeletor. Alone in his castle, hitting the weights. And on top of that he even injects the shit in his pet tiger. Can we say Animal Abuse.

6.& 5. Yogi and Boo Boo
We all know what is really in those picnic baskets. They go back to the cave and trip. Another side ? – Are they gay? I mean, take a look at BooBoo. Not that theres anything wrong with that…..

4. Droopy
The number one downer abuser in toon land. Cant someone slip him an upper every year or two. The only time I ever saw him happy is when he sees the picture of the babe. Sort of makes you wonder.

3.Dopey Dwarf
He openly admits it. The other dwarfs deny involvement but they are under investigation. Allegations are that Doc is writing some extra scripts for Sneezy and all the guys partaking are afloat.

2.Daffy Duck
If he isnt using crack, Merion Barry is clean. He is so wired he bounces around on his head without pain. Blows his beak off all the time. Some symptoms might be from daffiness but Haldol wouldnt work for him.

1.Shaggy
By far the #1 suspect. His clothes, his hair, his bad goatee, the boy converses with dogs. But all of this is nothing until you go to the Munchie Factor. Anybody who averages 9.3 dog treats consumed per episode does pot no if, ands, or, buts about it. And Look at the way him and his friends painted that van! Pretty rad design dude.

30
Jul

The Lawyer

A lawyer finds himself in the city park. It is a beautiful summer day so he decides to take his shoes and socks off. He no sooner does this than he steps into a huge pile of fresh dog poop.


Looking down at his bare feet covered in dog poop he screams….Some one help me…Im melting….Im melting.


I cannot claim authorship and I must confess I have two lawyers in my immediate family.

30
Jul

Romanians

[Seen in the Daily Telegraph (London) 18th or 19th July 1989, and known
to be going round the House of Lords (UK Upper House).]

Q: What did the Romanian people light their houses with before they
used candles?

A: Electricity.

Paul Abraham, City University Computer Unit, London

29
Jul

You think dual airbags refers

You think dual airbags refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.

Your school dress code contains the line Shoes Optional.

29
Jul

Lie Detector

A professor invented a lie detecting chair. Whenever anybody sitting in it told a lie, the chair would open up and dump the liar on the floor. During an experiment, a brunette sat in the chair and the professor asked her to tell about herself.

She began, I think you are the best teacher Ive ever had.

The chair immediately dumped her on the floor.

After the brunette left in a snit, a blonde sat in the chair. The professor asked her to tell something of her life.

She began, I think –

The next thing she knew, she was sitting on the floor.

28
Jul

Clinton one-liner

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, I dont know. I never had one.