Old and New Jokes

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Una pareja de esposos discutía airadamente en la calle:

¡Te voy a demostrar que no vales nada!

El señor hace señas a un taxista que se detiene frente a ellos.

¿Cuanto me cobra hasta el aeropuerto?

Hasta allá… sobre 18 euros.

¿Y con mi mujer?

Lo mismo.

Ya ves… ¡no vales nada!

One morning two priests head to the showers. It isnt until they were already in the shower, that they realized they did not bring any soap. Father Bob decides hell run back for the soap.

Rather than get dressed, he peeks out into the hallway, and since no one is around, he decides to make a run for it. He gets the two bars of soap and checks the hall before heading back to the showers. All was clear, so he makes a break for it. Just as he turns the corner to the showers, he spots three nuns walking towards him. With nowhere to go, and hoping that the nuns will think he is a statue, he stands perfectly still, holding the two bars of soap.



The nuns approach and the first nun says, Oh my, look at that! Isnt that the most lifelike statue youve ever seen?



She steps up for a closer look, reaches out and gives a couple of tugs on the priests weenie. Startled, he drops the first bar of soap.



Oh Heavens, she exclaims, I got a bar of soap!



The second nun is also amazed at how realistic the statue looks, so she steps in for a closer look. She takes a couple of yanks on the priests weenie, and he drops the other bar of soap.



My goodness, I got a bar of soap also! The nuns cant believe it.



The third nun, overcome by the miracle statue, walks up to it and gives a couple of tugs to the priests weenie.



My God, this is amazing, she says, I got liquid soap!

Id rather have lobsters on my piano than crabs on my organ

Q: What
do you call a man with half a brain?

A: Gifted.
Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?

A: What Men Know About Women
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light
bulb?

A: One … men will screw anything.
Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?

A: He eats beans for dinner.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?

A: We dont know …. its never happened.
Q: What is a mans idea of helping with the housework?

A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q: Whats the difference between a man and E.T.?

A: E.T. phoned home.
Q: What did God say after creating man?

A: I can do better.
Q: What are the two reasons why men dont mind their
own business?

A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?

A: Because you dont know when its coming, how many inches youll get, and how long itll stay.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who
are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?

A: Filthy and Filthy but wearable
Q:

Husband: I dont know why you wear a bra, youve go nothing to put in it.

A: Wife: You wear briefs, dont you?

A Wisconsinite, a Minnesotan, and an Iowan were walking along the beach, when they spotted an old lamp half buried in the sand.

The Iowan bent over and picked it up, and began to rub the sand off of it.



As he did so, a genie popped out of the lamp, and said Ill give you three wishes, one for each of you.



The Iowan said, I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Iowa.



With a blink of the Genies eye, FOOM the land in Iowa was forever made fertile for farming.



The Wisconsinite was amazed, so he said, I want a wall around Wisconsin, so that no one can come into our precious state.



Again, with a blink of the genies eye, POOF, there was a huge wall around Wisconsin.



The Minnesotan says, Im very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.



The Genie explains, Well, its about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, and nothing can get in or out.



The Minnesotan says, Fill it up with water.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Noahs Ark…If it happened in 2000

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed.

But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark. And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, Okay, said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time. Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. Noah! shouted the Lord, where is the Ark?

Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnt let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.

They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, Im still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croations Im supposed to hire.

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, You mean youre not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked hopefully.

No, said the Lord sadly. The government already has!

What do you call someone in the White House who is honest, ethical, intellectual, law abiding, and truthful? A tourist.

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods…On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, thats the only time I have to work on my hair!)On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But its just a suggestion!)On Tescos Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Lets experiment.)On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldnt that save more time?)
(Whose body?)On Boots Childrens cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm…something must have gotten lost in the translation…)On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now Im curious.)On Sainsburys peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one…)On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if youve tried this…)On a childs Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! Thats right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)